Just been really triggered. So so upset and does anyone ever feel the same (mentions emotional abuse)

[Imsodamaged]

I was SO badly abused as a child and teen. Mostly emotionally very occasionally physical . Sometimes it felt like for every 10 awful acts against me my mother would then be amazingly lovely and loving to me (to confuse me ? Because she felt bad?)

Anyway a main theme was making fun of me, all the time. How I walked, talked, sang, played , ate, drank, answered the phone. It was so bad I developed twitches and couldn’t walk in front of her if we went out I also developed selective mutism . Also severe blushing which she would ridicule and make it worse.

For some reason I’ve just been triggered by myself . I tripped over and immediately felt that shame that someone had seen (dh) I’ve totally lost it crying shouting ran away to the car drive off. Sobbing ignoring phone. Feel as if I hate myself feeling so so embarrassed and sweating. Now it’s an hour later and I’m absolutely shocked at my reaction. He’s messaged to say he understands but he would never laugh at me he wanted to check I was ok but I ran off.

Why so many years later am I still so damaged it was such a knee jerk reaction too it took over everything

Gosh I feel this so much. Very similar childhood and any embarrassment gives me the absolute rage :( It's so hard to deal with

It wasn’t even a split second to think as soon as I tripped and saw he had seen my mind went into sheer panic and severe embarrassment and then defensive . It’s awful it’s like there’s a connection made in my mind that just instantly fired off I feel absolutely exhausted now. To think I had this multiple times a day as a child as well

I'm so sorry to hear about the abuse you suffered as a child, OP. Does your husband know the full extent of it? From what you've said, he sounds supportive, but sometimes that's not enough. Would you consider speaking to a therapist? I'm currently encouraging a significant person in my life who suffered similar treatment to do so, but appreciate it takes time to work up to the idea. Hope you feel less overwhelmed soon.

Yes he’s fully aware (he was my next door neighbour growing up so saw and heard a lot). I’m having counselling already which is helping but I think also bringing it to the surface especially judging by my reaction today

Glad to hear you have the full support of your DH. Therapy can be a bit of a paradox can't it. You have to dig up all the skeletons in the aim of recovery, but in the process suffer from their resurfacing. Totally trite saying, but please be kind to yourself - none of this is your fault, and your flight reaction is understandable.

Yes I think I’ve been trying and failing to leave it all in the counselling sessions , I wish I could but the more I talk about it the more I just feel so wronged and angry then this today has just shown me I still have damage there causing me to react in a way that I don’t want to ? But it was instant it was like I had to just run , escape ? I had to go

So sorry you were treated like that OP and I hope you feel better soon. I'm another one who resonates with your post, my childhood and teen years were similar, although not nearly as bad. Please remember neither the abuse nor your instinctive reaction are your fault

It’s making me so sad because I look at my children and I can see how these things of done to them would make them crumble into pieces and it makes me sad to even think of that id never ever do that to them . I can’t understand how my mother could do that to me. She dressed it up . Making me stronger apparently telling me to learn to take it and not to say it was bullying as you can’t be bullied unless you let yourself be? But she crushed and hurt daily. I was on edge all the time why do that to a child.

And now I feel embarrassed of my reaction not just to tripping but to running off too !

Ah OP, that sounds so awful.
Do you still see her?

I'm so pleased you are recieving counselling and have a kind DH who understands.

Try to see this not as anything to be embarrassed or sad about, but as a step forward?
Rather than them being buried, you're feeling these feelings & this will let you find ways to examine them, find ways to deal with them & heal.

No I haven’t seen her in a very long time as she still tried to make fun of me if I saw her that I decided it wasn’t good for me so I stopped a few years ago.

maybe I can somehow rewire those bad mind connections by using today in a good way although it felt awful but if I can be in a safe space with dh and work though my reactions and feel reassured it’ll somehow change how I react ?

I’m so sorry about your childhood but please try and look at the positives of this situation.

you were able to identify that you were triggered and understand it.

secondly your husband also understands and is supportive.

do you have the funds for therapy?

@Imsodamaged my dm did it to me but not to that extent.
However I learned very young to make myself scarce. You sound more like my dsis who was timid and naive and fell into dm’s traps every time.
She has chronic mh issues.

I’m not surprised you’re triggered.
Those who have loving, caring parents have no idea what it’s like to be ridiculed and bullied by the person who is supposed to protect and love you.

What I realised as an adult is that she herself is extremely damaged
( alcoholic df who beat her dm up regularly and also her siblings, my dm was the youngest so although she witnessed a lot didn’t get hit).
It’s not an excuse but it did help me to realise it wasn’t me it was her.
In my case my dm still says very hurtful things, during covid she made fun of my sticky out ears (with a mask on).
Told me nobody likes me. Says I’m a snob.
Like many bullies she can dish it out but not take it.
One day she said something about my dd and I told her never to f#####g start on my dc.
Since then she’s been more careful.

I never had therapy, I should have done.
My biggest issue is I’m hypersensitive to any perceived criticism and I don’t think that will ever leave me.
I’m retired now and find it a lot easier. I also live v. far away.
My dh is also v. supportive.

Yes I’ve been accessing low cost counselling at a local charity which is really helpful

Yes I think I’m hypersensitive Too I will always worry about how people will judge me etc and I’m so harsh on myself

What helped me was someone a few years ago saying be a warrior not a worrier.
I try to remember that when I’m wondering what impression I’ve made.

Please of all things don't beat yourself up about this. You're recovering after years - the years when your personality was still forming itself - of emotional abuse. You're getting counselling, which is excellent. These things take time, just as much as a major physical injury.

I hate being caught even slightly on the face. Doesn't happen very often but two recent examples were a woman in a shop reaching up to a shelf without bloody looking and just slightly csught side of my face with the back of her hand. I lost it with her disproportionately even though she apologised. Other example was my little step DGD playing with lego caught my cheekbone quite hard but not enough to cause more than a slight bruise. I ran upstairs in floods of tears. My exh used to hit me on the face regularly.

You are not hypersensitive.

You have PTSD.

I’m so sorry that happened to you . I felt the exact same today that immediate urge to run away and terrible sobbing it’s just awful

@Imsodamaged
You might want to look into/try EMDR.

It's really recommended for dealing with trauma, and for taking extreme reactions (caused by trauma) down in intensity.

So say that your reaction to tripping today was a 10/10, with a few sessions of EMDR, you might find that you could look at it with more distance, and it would only be a 2/10 trigger/ reaction/ sense of embarrassment.

The UK EMDR association website has a list of fully qualified and accredited therapists, and they require members to be properly registered/accredited professionals in one of several mental or physical health modalities before they will accept people onto training, so they should be reputable practitioners.