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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

OMG!!! FURIOUS with dp's Mother........

46 replies

Zephyrcat · 04/01/2005 16:50

Will try to cut a long story short..... dp with ex when i met him they had a son who later turns out might not be his, i found her diaries she had plotted to leave dp from the moment her son was born and that dp was every name under the sun. Along comes me, she leaves. Blames me for him leaving her (she left him) dp and i have been together 5 years now and have dd and ds. DP's mother, Father and Sister shut us out and revolve their whole lives around his ex and the son. dp's father died in an accident last year. I was not allowed to go to the funeral with him - his mother turned up with his sister on one arm, his ex on the other and left him on his own. I have always sent her pics of our two and pushed dp to contact her and try to get her to see the children. DP started phoning her every week a few weeks before xmas and every time he asked if she'd like to see the children she said no. Neither of them have had so much as a birthday card from her. I told dp i didnt want our two knowing about the ex's son til they are old enough to understand as his ex causes a lot of trouble for us if he has anything to do with her. His mother thinks I'm doing it out of spite.
Anyway!! (that was cut very short!!) We celebrated dd's birthday yesterday as her real birthday was xmas day. We took the children to her house. I decided it was best for me to wait in the car and for dp to take the children in and talk to her without me in the way as it's obviously all my fault!?!. DP has just rung me and played a message from his mobile. It's his mother saying "Why did you come all this wayu for HER to sit in the car. Obviously this relationship is not going to work and I'm not happy with this"
Am I missing something?????????????

OP posts:

JudgeFlounce · 04/01/2005 20:06

Message deleted

Original poster

Zephyrcat · 04/01/2005 20:07

yet I'm the one whose portrayed to be the bad one in all this when all I'm doing is protecting our children from her crap - and her own son from her crap as well!!

OP posts:

JudgeFlounce · 04/01/2005 20:08

Message deleted

Gobbledigook · 04/01/2005 20:09

Zeph, fwiw, I honestly don't think you are being unreasonable. Regardless of anything else, your children are most definitely her grandchildren and she is being very childish and pathetic cutting them out of her life. Whatever she thinks of you, your children are her grandchildren, her son's children, and she should love and cherish them as much as any other grandchild. Whatever the circumstances, it's not the fault of your little ones is it? And they are so bloody gorgeous I don't know how anyone could not want to see them

I'm not sure there is anything you can do though tbh. I think you are best off forgetting about her and moving on with your life - focus on your dp and your children and just forget it. In some sick way she might enjoy your reaction, your desperation to include your children in her life. Don't let her - just ignore it. I've not been in your situation so can't pretend to know how hard it is, but from an outside point of view, I think that's what I'd try and do. Otherwise you are causing yourself more angst and your children will get caught up in it.

Let it go and if/when your MIL grows up enough to realise how ridiculous her behaviour is, then she can come to you.

Silly old witch.

Big hugs to you Zeph. xxx

Original poster

Zephyrcat · 04/01/2005 20:20

Thanks guys, you dont know how much it means to finally hear from someone that I'm not being unreasonable in this.
She told dp that she's not going to stop talking about his ex's son in front of our two because he's part of her life. My argument is that I'm not asking her to change that, just to not go on and on about him in front of them until we are ready to tell them. Do you think that's out of order on my part? I think that deep down dp thinks so. His mother also told dp tonight that his ex told her that he used to call her a pig and a dog. LOL Those arent names that he uses but in his mothers eyes she is like a daughter to her and everything she says about us is true.
I feel like doing something very nasty to his ex lol

OP posts:

Gobbledigook · 04/01/2005 20:22

No I don't think it's unreasonable and if she had half a brain she'd realise it too.

God she sounds wicked - why do you want your gorgeous kiddies to see the old bag?!

Original poster

Zephyrcat · 04/01/2005 20:25

tbh I couldn't care less any more. But I think dp would like his Mum to see them. He doesn't seem to get it lol I told him earlier that he needs to stop being scared to stand up to her and tell her what the score is for a change......we'll see!!! That's why I was going to write to her - so that she gets it straight from me and not his half version! Now I'm a little calmer I think MarsLady might be right to write a letter but burn it instead of sending it

OP posts:

Surfermum · 04/01/2005 20:27

Hi Zeph - Just ignore her. If you had gone in that would have been wrong too. It must be so hurtful for you to be blamed for everything. It sounds to me like you're the scapegoat for a lot of things that aren't your fault.

[[hugs]]

TheDragon · 04/01/2005 20:28

Write your letter, show it to DP and say "this is what I'd like to say to her" and then rip it up whilst he watches?

HappyMumOf2 · 04/01/2005 20:35

Message withdrawn

Original poster

Zephyrcat · 04/01/2005 20:44

HMO2 - this is why I feel guilty - or rather why they are all trying their best to make me feel guilty. His ex didnt want to be with dp at all. She just wanted the baby. She wrote it all down in black and white, all the way through their relationship how much she hated him, that he was a crap provider, how she was fantasizing about other men in the bar (he used to be a licencee) and about a plan she was devising to 'get out'. Unfortunately dp was completely oblivious to any of this so of course in his and his mum and dad's eyes they were a happy family. In truth she just wanted the kid and his parents money and permanent offers of babysitting etc. When they split up she ran to dp's parents playing the victim and saying that he had cheated etc and they believe every bloody word of it - so from day one I have been 'the bad one' because I was what - in their eyes - stopped dp running after her. In the real world I was finding out exactly what a malicious evil cow she is.
Sorry went into one again!!!! Going back to her son, surely its better from all sides that we just stay away - I'm sure it will do the son more harm having a 'dad' around one week and not the next as opposed to him not seeing him and living with her and her boyfriend? Says further down the thread what happened to him the first time she started messing him around

OP posts:

Fimbo · 04/01/2005 20:56

Z-Does DP's mother think that you split them up?

Original poster

Zephyrcat · 04/01/2005 20:58

yep. His ex used that as her 'excuse' to leave him once and for all - although in reality she had been planning something for months

OP posts:

Fimbo · 04/01/2005 21:03

IMO and its only my opinion, the woman needs told the truth of the situation by your dp and also your reasons why you don't want your children involved with a potential half sibling at the moment.

Hugs to you Zephyrcat - it sounds awful and I can't even begin to imagine how I would feel in your shoes
xx

HappyMumOf2 · 04/01/2005 21:09

Message withdrawn

Original poster

Zephyrcat · 04/01/2005 21:15

Her son is 7. She left when he was 2. Our first wasn't born until a year after she had left. The awkward thing is that she doesn't want dp in her life or the boys. BUT in order to keep in with his mum she plays the victim and says that she would never do anything to stop him seeing his son etc etc and that it's only me stopping him. But when it comes down to it she just messes everyone about and bribes the boy to not go with dp when he gets there which is distressing for them both and then has a ripple effect on us when he gets home. Because his mother thinks that the sun shines from her behind she believes everything the ex says and wont have it when we try to tell her what she's like.
DP finds it all harder to understand than me because his parents were always together but my mum and dad divorced when i was about 6 and i had a similar thing with my dad's mum being around as and when it suited them all. Also I see my 13 year old sister going through it with her dad too which is why I'm so desperate not to get ours involved in it all

OP posts:

HappyMumOf2 · 04/01/2005 21:26

Message withdrawn

charleypops · 04/01/2005 22:45

Have you considered getting a private paternity test that only you and your dp will know about? That way, if the boy is dp's you can work out access, and try to involve him more in your lives. From personal experience I think he probably won't be too interested in dp anyway until he's older, but at least you can make sure he knows he's welcome and make sure you send him birthday pressies etc or set up a savings account for when he's 18 if the ex won't give him them? He will become curious when he's a bit older and will come round of his own accord.

If the boy isn't dp's then you could just let the ex know that you have the proof and that might put an end to her putting your dp down to his mum (I imagine she won't tell dp's mum about the paternity test, or indeed her son). You don't have to tell MIL that the boy isn't dp's - it sounds to me that MIL is an important figure in the boy's life - he probably needs her - his mum sounds very problematic and he might need all the support he can get from his "gran" who obviously adores him. It won't be too long before the boy is 16 then you can explain everything then directly to him if his mum's still not told him.

Do write a very detailed letter to your MIL (just don't send it). Sounds a bit hippy-dippy I guess, but I did this recently (to my mum) when I was left feeling incredibly guilty about a row I had with her that brought up a lot of issues from my past. I never sent it and never will, but it really helped me to understand why I felt like I did about this particular situation (involving my step father). I stopped feeling guilty, and I've managed to "let it go" in my head without causing the massive amount of pain sending the letter would've caused which she'd never have recovered from. This will really help you be strong and well-placed to let them get on with it without feeling frustrated. It is she who is missing out and you should feel sorry for her really. It will also help you rise above all the mess and deal with what needs to be dealt with if the boy is dp's.

HTH x

MunchedTooManyMarsLady · 04/01/2005 23:06

Zephyr, listen to happymum and charleypops. Rise above it! You'll do well darling.

Original poster

Zephyrcat · 04/01/2005 23:11

I really hope so Mars. Its so difficult to know if i'm doing the right thing. I've been battling this same thing over and over for 3 years now and to be honest I'm tired of it all!

OP posts:

MunchedTooManyMarsLady · 04/01/2005 23:30

took us 10 to get through it, but we got through it and so will you.

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