Lately all my spare thoughts are about my marriage to my DH. Things were really good for a while but we’re now in a cycle of everything being shit. We’re struggling financially and both work and have 2 DC, both young.
I can’t seem to stop thinking about/ obsessing about how bad our relationship is at the moment. I also don’t think that I can leave as I’m so frightened by it.
He is genuinely a great dad and has great attributes, he helps a lot at home and is mostly kind.
The things that make me feel like we’re incompatible are:
His new found right wing views, I say that are bordering on racism, he disputes this.
His lack of effort and empathy, he works a physically gruelling job so how dare I complain about my office job (he’s not rude but he doesn’t have much time for it)
No effort when it comes to romance, it’s either touchy feely for sex or nothing, he says I’m living in a fairytale
My need for excitement, he seems quite happy to plod along, and is very stable, which is something I admired when we met.
All of the mental load is on me, but work less so maybe that’s fair? I contribute financially but in relation to my earnings, which are a lot less than his.
I’m emotional and he’s just not, really at all
Hasnt done basic life admin like signing up to a dr surgery (which maybe sounds like I’m nitpicking) but is just a typical reflection of his character
Im in my 30s and met him in my 20s, around the time of a very pivotal and traumatic time, he was there for me and didn’t run for the hills,
We have done counselling together and now it’s all up to me to reinforce what we learnt, it’s like he’s irritated when I suggest putting anything into practise.
I feel like we’re growing further apart but the thought of making any lasting decisions gives me heart palpitations.
I have no savings, nor do I earn enough to even cover the mortgage.
This all sounds very much like he’s to blame but I know I’m equally not always easy (controlling, hyper vigilant and emotional)
If you’ve left, how much courage did it take? As I get closer to imagining it, the fear really kicks in. I think I’d be a bit lost without him him but I feel completely unhappy at the moment with him.