What to do?

[Kelwar]

Hi guys, I’ve got a dilemma, I’ve been married for 16 years, together 22 years. Two children of 17 and 11. Our 17 year old has autism.
My husband and I are in a bit of a rut. All of our married lives his parents have been controlling and my FIL put me in my place very early on in our marriage shortly after having our first child and told me how his family work and that I would have to conform.. which meant do as I’m told regarding us all helping one another when asked. Rather than stick up for me, my husband dutifully did as he was told by them and I just had to suck it up.
fast forward 17 years and we still have my MiL who is still incredibly demanding, calling most days to get my husband to go down there to do things for her. She’s often at our house having dinner and she’s the type to get moody if we ever said no to any of her demands.. if I miss a call from her I can hear in her tone she has the knock. We’ve been on the receiving end of her moods a couple of times and my husband knows she will cut him off if he dares stand up to her. He has confirmed to me he knows this. She has form for cutting family members off. Her own parents and siblings and my late FIL’s sister after he passed away.
My husbands sister puts her marriage first and has managed to get a healthy balance with their mum, but my husband is still very much a yes man. She is elderly but in no way frail or fragile and she’s out and about all the time.
Hubby isn’t the greatest communicator and that’s become harder as our marriage has progressed and our children are growing up. I’ve started to wonder if we have what it takes to last the distance.
Because our marriage is in crisis at the moment we did have a chat last night as we are due to go for couple counselling next week and thought we’d bring some issues to the table before our session. I bought up his parents controlling behaviour over the years and how he still treats his mum like the priority in his life over me and the kids, he’s even called her the queen of the family.
After voicing my irritation he pushed it back on me because I have a difficult relationship with my own mother.. although we do, my
mum and I have always been honest with one another and if we are upset we are able to tell one another without a huge blow up. Unlike his relationship with his own mum where he is dutiful and almost scared of not doing as he’s told.
she lives down the road and the demands are getting ridiculous, such as re attaching a hose head she could have done herself.
I’ll take some of the blame for the break down of our relationship but when I mentioned he communicates with his mother and tells her more than he tells me resulting in her telling me gleefully bits of info about my husbands work etc, he didn’t seem to see this as a problem and once again it was my issue.. every time I spoke to him about something that was upsetting me, he pushed it back on me as having the issue and pretty much said nothing will ever change as he didn’t see a problem with any of his behaviour..
I feel like he gaslights me all the time about historical facts.. things he has said that he now denies.
I’ve no idea whether to even bother with counselling or whether to just cut my losses. I do still love him, but I can’t say I’m excited by our relationship anymore due to his total lack of empathy around anything concerning me about our relationship.
I have given my life to him, raising our children as a stay at home mum and doing everything in the home from cleaning/gardening to decorating. I work part time now in a school so I can be around for the kids in the holidays but I feel trapped as I don’t earn enough and having taken years off to take care of the family, I wonder what jobs I can do to get back out there.. and also be financially independent should our marriage completely break down.. I did some courses while at home with the children but when it came to taking the official qualifications to gain a proper job, he didn’t support me in this and has ignored all my desires and dreams of perusing a career.
I think I’ve been a relatively good wife over the years, but whenever I’ve raised concerns I’ve been shot down and nothing has ever changed.
AIBU? What should I do? Continue with the counselling.. or give up?

I wouldn't waste time or money on a councillor to sort this all out,there's too much to unpack mainly centred around the in laws ,your husband has said he won't change how he is towards them therefore it will never get better,as they age they will be more demanding and you will become a single parent more or less as he gives more time to them. Start looking for another job ,save and get yourself out of all this misery,unless by some miracle he grows a backbone and puts you and his children first.

I wonder how aware your DH is that you’re nearing the end of your tether? Let’s face it, the way he has prioritised his family over the years to the detriment of your relationship has not ended up a problem for him or your in-laws. Why would he change? Why would he adopt any change in behaviour when it comes to his mother?

However, now that the shit could possibly hit the fan you may see a little realisation. I think he will need to see you’re ready to walk.
On a practical level, where do you see yourself in 5 years @Kelwar ? If nothing changes I mean. What do YOU want from your life?

Honestly, why do some men ignore their wives until it’s too late and the hurt is too deep?

Ironically, I’d quite like to be a counsellor.. but the diploma is a good few thousand..
Ive said to him this morning following our conversation last night that I have serious concerns now and think maybe in view of the fact he doesn’t see anything wrong with anything, perhaps we shouldn’t bother with counselling and just part ways.. he’s now in a mood and can’t make eye contact with me. This is quite typical of him trying to get his own way, and I mostly back down as I can’t stand the atmosphere.
I m really tired of this and it’s affecting my mental health.. he won’t see my point of view at all.. he says he doesn’t have a list of things to come at me with it all me coming for him with gripes.. but they are things that have been going on our whole married life and I’m getting too old to want them for the rest of my life..

He’s not going to find that backbone.. he’s either terrified of his mother or he genuinely rates her above me and always has.. it’s exhausting. None of my close friends have MiL that live so close so they don’t have the constant battle on their hands..

I’ll give you an example of what my MIL is like.. she called me the other day because her dog was hiding in a bush and wouldn’t come out and she had to go to play bridge.. so she asked me to go down there and perhaps the sound of my car would entice him out.. so I dutifully went down.. dog came out briefly to say hi and then ran back into the bush.. she left me there trying to get her dog out and off she went to bridge.. like her dog was my problem .. doesn’t matter that I have two kids at home and a busy life..

Sounds like a mummies boy.

Don't think counselling is going to help here I'm afraid. Of he is not taking any responsibility for any of it then your not going to get anywhere. Instead of living a unhappy life and being stuck in a marriage that clearly is not working get out of it for your own sake.

Life is too short, yes you have kids together, yes you've been married and together a long time but at the end of the day he's clearly not going to change habits and ways in regards to his mum which is making you unhappy. 🤷🏼‍♀️

Yeah fuck that. I would tell her to fuck off 🤷🏼‍♀️🤦🏼‍♀️ as you said her dog not yours you have kids and home to run, don't need to be going there to sort her own dog out when she's not even there anyway! 🙄

Exactly… my husband didn’t see the problem with her doing that.. he just laughed!!

OP I can imagine as a skittish newly married, how you'd comply with all this bullshit but what are you doing now as a grown woman and a mother?

Confrontation is part of life, you have to stand your ground and take it on the chin because you'll get pushback. Who cares about the cantankerous old bats mood? Let her get annoyed and cut you off. Life will be better for it.

Your husband is not going to change so I would start sticking up for yourself because no one else is going to. Stop letting your husband domineer and control you. He doesn't get to have his own way all the time.

Yeah fuck that alright. Start by not answering the phone and off loading all MIL admin work onto your DH. He’s enjoying being a spineless twit, you’re not.

Unless you change it up, nothing will change. Maybe completely alter how you do things and if you don’t jolt them all into rethinking how they treat you and impact you, then personally I’d give up and chuck the towel in.

You’ve reached your limit and, it appears, the fog has lifted and you can see this is really not right.

Don't waste money on counselling, just start the divorce. There's no need to keep begging this man to care about you, just tell him it's over. Nothing to argue about.
Your kids deserve to live in a happy home.

You’re absolutely right.. they do.. I love my children more than anything.. I’m not sure how to split.. I don’t want to leave our home and neither does he.. I’m not leaving my kids

The home can be sorted in the divorce. It will be sold or one of you can buy the other out. Kids that age can choose where they want to live.
Wikivorce and a solicitor can provide details, and the divorce forms are online.

Thank you! X

What do you WANT to do, what is your gut telling you?

ideally I’d like to stay married.. but I can’t keep giving in to someone who won’t meet me half way..

Perhaps you have your answer then. It's very difficult, good luck whatever you decide.

I'm surprised you've lasted this long op. What a nightmare! She sounds very much like my MIL. It didnt end well! My MIL now has 4 DIL's/SIL's who want nothing to do with her because she simply could not accept taking a back seat. Her loss! As per another pp, stop taking calls from your MIL, don't go round to hers or answer any of her demands. If she rocks up, tell her straight, you are not at her beck and call anymore. Your dh can sort her out. She has treated you badly and ruined your marriage. She is not the matriarch of your household, YOU ARE! If she can't respect that, she can feck off!
Your husband will be horrified, but what have you got to lose! Start living life how YOU want it to be, if your husband can't get on board, then it's over. Be clear with him that he is losing his family because he cannot stand up to his mother. If he does get on board with the new you (I doubt he will) then I would look at moving house so you are further away from your witch in law.

So nice to hear from someone who has similar experiences to me.. she is not the bloody matriarch.. you are right! She thinks she is and my husband lets her think she is.. went for a drink with a gf tonight and she was round having dinner at mine.. drinking Sauvignon my husband had bought her.. talking about the face lift she wants at 85 and I’m the one with the problem.. ffs.. I give up! Lol

I bet you felt like pouring the wine over her 😂.
I tried with my MIL, I honestly tried so hard but she just kept moving the goal posts and she absolutely would not respect that she was in MY home, not an extension of hers. My dh dithered at first and kept trying to please us both, but eventually I just snapped! I'm not proud of it but I gave her both barrels when she turned up one evening, unannounced, expecting to bath my 3 very over tired dc. My dh was working away and she hadn't bothered with the kids for 2 months! I didn't even let her through the door 🙈. Me getting to that stage seemed to shock my dh into taking action. He actually applauded me once he'd got over the shock. She had a choice, start behaving, or feck off! She couldn't bring herself to show me any respect so that was it! I don't regret it at all. That was 15 years ago now, she still hasnt shown any contrition and has now had the same result from all of her kids in law. My dh and dc still see her obviously but I don't and it's bliss!

That does sound bliss.. if I thought my husband was on my side slightly I would love to tell her to bugger off..

I've just noticed you said she's 85 op. You may be approaching the end of your sentence if you decide to hang in there 😉. Good luck

No chance.. she’s the most Spriteky 85 yo I know.. she’s here to stay.. and that thing that really irks me.. is if I do leave him, she’ll be off and the new woman will get him without the crap I’ve put up with for 22 years..

It doesn't sound like your dh wants to change your situation so I don't think counselling will help. He obviously thinks that you are the problem for not accepting the status quo. Your options are to stay and grit your teeth, or leave and build a new life for you and your dc. The house would be split in the divorce settlement and you would be free. You may be eligible for financial help to retrain as a counsellor, at least up to a level 3 course. As others have said, you can start the divorce online, and most solicitors will offer 30 minutes or so free.

Yes I agree.. I’ve spoken to my husband on numerous occasions about the situation and nothing has ever changed… I doubt it will now.
I’ve done all the levels of the counselling courses, I’ve just the diploma to do to qualify.. but it’s so expensive.
Thank you, i’ll have a look at the online legal help..