Son (9) and partner argue constantly

[Anon444]

Ds 9 is going through a very difficult period. Constantly complaining and demanding things and particularly playing up at bedtime. We are currently on holiday and I am stuck in the middle of him and his dad who are arguing non stop. Ds is being very negative about everything and yes it is draining. However his dad has decided to bark at him and every single thing he says is also negative or critical. So we are now stuck in a cycle of the two of them battling and I am done with it, it’s like being on holiday with two bickering children. I am getting increasingly cross with my partner who can’t see that he needs to pull his socks up and be the one to break the cycle. Instead he goes off in a huff and leaves me to deal with both children. DS tried to talk to him tonight and he just went off on one again. I don’t know what to do. I am on the verge of massively blowing up on my other half for his part in this behaviour. AIBU expecting him to behave like the adult he is?!

Massively blowup at the adult for behaving like a child.

I feel for your husband. He’s trying (ok not successfully, but trying) to deal with your son’s behaviour which is the right thing to do. Why aren’t you supporting him and trying to get your son to behave?

Your DP sounds like he can't cope and is emotionally immature and is making it worse

What do you mean by DS tried to talk to DP and DP blew up again

It's actually DP behaviour that's causing DS to feel out of sorts and play up

This is what it's starting to look like

It sounds stressful for all.

Has anyone actually sat your son down and asked if anything is upsetting him at the moment? Is he bullied or anything.

I would seriously suggest seeking out family counselling. With a neutral person there, it will be a safe space to hash it out and give you some back up.

No your partner shouldn't be arguing with him all the time but I guess he could be fed up too. Something might be upsetting your boy and he is acting out.

Counselling might be good to learn heslthy boundaries for you all, in particular your partner.

Good luck to you all.

I think you need to get your DS to talk to someone on welfare at his school to drill deep down into his thoughts and feelings about your DP and anything else on his mind

Lots can be going on behind your back that you're not aware of at all

Your DP sounds like he's out of control

This is is the main issue not your DS

Well you can't let a 9 year old rule the roost, so "demanding things and playing up at bed time" does require some push back from the parents. The first rule of parenting is that both parents put on a united front and have each other's backs. If you don't agree with dp's approach, speak to them about it later in private. My kids don't argue with me (they don't always do as I ask them either, but still). What are you doing while your dp struggles to handle an out of control 9 yo?

So your dp has decided to out child his child’s behaviour?

your dp needs to lead by example step away disengage and agree a strategy. But arguing with a 9 year old isn’t parenting.

I've had the same issue OP for many years now and while it is improving it's still there. It has caused serious damage to our relationship if I'm honest. Ds is difficult and argumentative and for reasons I don't understand seems to intentionally provoke DP but like a fool he falls for it every time. They seem to recover quickly but I'm left really stressed and upset and it affects younger DS. They had a massive public screaming match a week ago and I'm still shook over it.

You need strategies, consistence and immediate consequences for bad behaviour. It's the only thing that works. If your voice is raised you've lost. I have handed DP books, sent links, opened discussions a million times and some has filtered through but then he forgets because he 'can't help it if he feels angry'. I pointed out recently that he needs to work on his emotional regulation, my youngest has done a better job of this than DP. A sit down discussion away from the kids is best, maybe family counselling? Sorry I'm not terribly helpful but I totally understand.

We’ve a similar thing in our house. With argumentative boys of around the same age. Unfortunately I fall for it too sometimes and not just DP 🙈.

I would love to hear more about your ‘immediate consequences for bad behaviour’ @Alalalalalongalalalalalonglonglilong as they don’t seem to care about consequences here! And also how you communicate these, as when mine are in that mood, they’re completely past the stage of listening.

@Anon444 I do feel for you. I think living with that personality type is hard. I hate it when my kids argue and when they argue with their dad and I hate myself more when I somehow get dragged in! All kids are different and if you don’t have a stubborn, argumentative one I’m not sure the same techniques work. What works for me is intervening early and calmly, changing the subject and distracting with something new, but it’s hard work.

Thanks. Always one judgemental person on here 🙄 yes my son tried to break the ice last night and partner just had another go at him. How is that helpful?!. Partner then went to bed sulking like a child. We do have consequences - he has lost his PlayStation and iPad but agree with another poster that they don’t really care about consequences at this age when they get into these moods. I do pull my son up on his behaviour and I do call it out. I get partner might be fed up but so am I. have spent ages looking for different strategies to try and break the cycle but don’t really see it’s going to be effective if partner just carries on shouting at him - and it is non stop.

yes my son tried to break the ice last night and partner just had another go at him. How is that helpful?!. Partner then went to bed sulking like a child. We do have consequences - he has lost his PlayStation and iPad
i hope it was your arsehole childish husband who lost his playstation and iPad for this.