Powerless in marriage

[Qwerty654321]

I want to scream. I just can’t go on anymore. I don’t even know what to write here. The story is so huge. My husband controls everything. He makes decisions about us and our family all the time. I gave up money and my career when we had children. His career took off and he’s banked loads of money. Just under £1m in his pension for instance. He makes all the financial decisions. I have always worked but just part time jobs to fit around childcare. I have no power. Family holidays are being lined up next year with all of his family. But the holidays with my family are apparently too expensive and he won’t agree to us going away with them. I can’t approach him with this because he shouts and screams with any challenge. I can’t breathe I’m so suffocated. If I argue with him, he just ignores me for weeks and cosies up close to our children being to fun happy parent while I’m ostracised. I’m losing everything.

This post was supposed to be about the holidays but they just feel like the straw that’s broken this camels back. I’m so scared to divorce him. What if he takes our children. He’s decided to take a break from work so he has no income. How would I even get any support from him for the children? If he’s out of work, is he a better parent from a custody perspective?

Thia is all so awful. I’m so scared. I’m so alone.

That all sounds absolute shit, I’m so sorry.

You know you need to divorce him, and I can’t say it’s going to be an easy ride in the short term. BUT you are married with children so can reasonably expect a 50:50 split of assets including “his” (actually your joint) pensions. He can’t “take” the children either - they are your children too and you have an equal responsibility towards them.

So breathe. No need to rush, you can invest a bit of time in getting this right for you. Maybe consider some solo counselling or invest in some time with a solicitor to talk things through.

Speaking as a survivor of divorce from a controlling man myself here. Short term it was rough, but long term it was the best thing I’ve ever done for myself.

I'm so sorry for what you're going through. I hope you'll get lots of detailed advice from other posters.

I would say contact women's aid and talk over your situation and your options. Knowledge is power.

You deserve so much more. You deserve to be happy.

How old are you and DH? How old are the children, OP?

I am 47, he is 48. Our children are 7 and 9

I think he has finished working so that he can at least go for 50/50 custody to avoid having to pay child maintenance. If I thought that would be in the best interest of our children, I would find a way to accept that. But he hasn’t wanted to help or be a part of their lives since they were born. It’s always been me and them. Now “they’re easier” and now that he knows joint custody is better for him financially, he is manipulating them into favouring him. It’s all so awful. I’ve left it all too late.

I’m so sorry you’re going through this.
Men who do this - use women - are the pits.

If you aren’t in immediate danger, you need to play this cool until you have more info. Speak to a GOOD solicitor asap and get yourself some advice on what you might be entitled to.

QUIETLY gather asset evidence. Bank statements, pension statements and see what you're entitled to. That will inform your next steps.

if you’re in danger, leave now. Report to the police.

@Qwerty654321 as he us taking a break from work can you start working more? It might be worth worth trying to earn abit of your own money and squirreling it away. In terms if the kids preferring him, that will not happen,if you were the primary caregiver they'll feel this in their bones, they are just being fun with dad as they're enjoying this new attention from them. Family holidays, if they are fully paid for enjoy them but maybe you could suggest that you and the kids just go on holiday with your family if he doesn't feel up to it, say you feel bad saying no to your family, or maybe suggest you join your family for part of a holiday. If he is paying for it all then that's prob why he doesn't want to go unless he really gets on with your family. I would defo try to increase your income, that will increase your feeling of power maybe. In terms of being scared are you scared for your safety? If so you must leave. If you are scared about being alone with no choices, try to earn more now kids are older and he's at-home more, that will increase your self esteem and give you choices if you eventually want to leave. You're not alone, you have yourself, your family, and your two children who as they get older will be such a support to you, a little gang, and you have us 💗 good luck xx

I would get as much advice as possible re where you stand financially and gather as much financial information as you can.

He won't take the children and sharing them equally is not feasible as he will go back to work and I doubt he'll bother or have the time.

You should contact your local domestic abuse organisation for advice and support.

He won't be able to manipulate them into favouring him. He's deeply controlling and as those children grow they will see that. He rages and shouts at you when you question him? He will do that to them also. And they will be preteens soon.. how do you think that will play out?
Please don't be afraid. The best thing you can do is leave this man so that you can set up a safe loving home for them away from him. Yes he may have them some of the time but that is better than him being there ALL the time.. and it's better than them seeing you putting up with being controlled and having that as their model of a relationship.
I think you should ring women's aid for advice. They are often busy so keep trying until you get through. Keep a diary of things he does and ways he tries to control or intimidate you. Keep important documents like your passport, somewhere safe that he doesn't know about.