Holidays with boyfriend & children

[Kazzy76]

I've been going out with my boyfriend for nearly 4 years. He has 2 boys (16 & 13) with his ex wife. He goes away once or twice a year with them but I'm still not invited to join. My boyfriend & I have never been away on holiday together apart from a weekend away. The holidays are usually quite local, to the coast, camping, etc. which I would love. He is now planning a trip abroad and asked if I would be interested but is now coming up with excuses about costs & having to pay for an extra room for me and because he's left it too late, I may not be able to get leave from work at such short notice. They are currently away on their regular holiday which he only told me about 2 days before they left. Am I right to feel a bit left out/upset? I love that he’s a great dad & he spends every day with his kids which I absolutely encourage. Just feel sad as I would love to go away with him on a proper holiday. Would appreciate any advice.

Why don't you ask him to go away for a holiday with just you or you and his kids? If he refuses you'll have to decide if he's the one for you or not.

Not clear from your post if he goes on holiday with just his kids or with his ex wife too?

It’s just him and his sons. Although last year the ex wife was going as well. I said I didn't think that was fair, so they split the time.
I have said before I would accept any invite to join them.

You're putting yourself in a passive position.
You've told him you'd like to be invited. You're waiting for him to include you. You're waiting for him to let you know the dates so you can get time off work... Passive. Which isn't bad when you have a boyfriend who actually takes the hints and directions you give him. That's obviously not him.

Why not be clear, direct and up-front?
Hey, it's been 4 years and we've never been on a vacation together. That's not acceptable to me in a long-term relationship. I really expect to be included next summer, both in planning, setting dates, choosing a location and then going with you and your sons. We can talk about financial contribution and who does what, and you can have a separate vacation with you and your boys for some quality time. But at least once a year, I expect to be part of your life and your family on vacation.

This can go really well, or horribly wrong, in which case you know to stop waiting for him to include you. He never will. And then maybe this relationship has sailed its course.

Have you met the children? Is he definitely separated?

Yes I’ve met his children many times. He is divorced over 5 years now.

I have a long term partner we don't live together, we don't share holidays as that's just not what my children want. Do you live together?

Accommodation would take a big increase from one room to two and the whole vibe would change. I don't see the issue as this appears to be his boundary, you are free to have yours.

With the best will in the world, it's not about what you want.

At no point have you said how the DC would feel about you gate crashing their holiday with their dad; have they even invited you?

If he has shared custody with his ex, I'm sure you get plenty of time one-on-one with your BF, let his kids have the same.

You go on holiday with your friends, family, DC if you have them and BF when his kids are with their mum, you don't have to impose yourself on their time with their dad; if they wanted you to be there, they'd ask.

Let the boys have a holiday with their dad. However much they may like you, it’s pretty clear they would rather you didn’t join them.

Can you afford a separate holiday if you didn't do weekends away with him?

The kids might like going away with their dad and I think that's fair enough too.

Just plan a holiday for you and your BF when the boys are with their mum. Leave the boys to their boys holiday and enjoy the best of both worlds.

Yes I’m not sure why you need to push to be included . Can’t you have your own holiday with him? The truth is step children situations are complicated and I don’t think agitating is helpful. Be ready to be friendly if they want to include you if you’d like to go. But I don’t see what pushing achieves . It’s like when spoiled girls at school got their Mum to phone and insist they come to the party. They came, but it was awkward.