I don't want my insecurities to ruin something great

[Unequivocallyblue]

I am looking for tips/advice/thoughts on how to help yourself with insecurities.

I have recognised in my current relationship I am insecure about the most ridiculous things..... Margot Robbie on TV for one - its ridiculous and one part of my brain is saying 'get over yourself' and the other part blurts out something stupid which cause a bit of a bicker between me and my DP.

We have been together 6 years, I was married before and had a terrible divorce (he was an aggressive difficult human to be around) I never suspected him playing away and the bombardment of verbal abuse from him and his family for ending the marriage never made me suspect he was up to something with anyone else - they wanted us to stay together. Then 8 months after he left he had a baby with a woman (who has the same name as me) which was a bit of a shock. He knew her for years.... had spoken about her in the past as a friend.

For some reason increasingly over the last 2 years I have become more and more insecure, about how I look, who my partner is looking at (I know we all have eyes and he cant 'unsee' a woman walking past in a little skirt) he is NOT drooling over them or lingering over them and mostly he probably isnt looking but my brain explodes with insecure fireworks and I dont want to feel like this any more! I want to shut this down and I dont know why its happening.

I dont think this has anything to do with anything but I dont actually think I am unattractive as such.... I am quite short and a little curvy... I just want to be happy in who I am and believe the one half of my brain at least 90% of the time that I am good enough!

OP it must be tough to leave like this. Have you been to therapy at all?
I’d recommend going to therapy to work through the betrayal you went through in your marriage. Not everyone needs it but it sounds like you do.

Also this might sound a bit cringe but some self-love work will definitely help boost your confidence to the point where you could care less if anyone is looking at another woman or not.

@chocobaby thank you. I have often wondered about therapy and its offered through my work but this sounds ridiculous but I feel like a fraud asking for it. I have such a good life really! I will enquire and pursue this.

I just dont get why when I started my new relationship with DP I was so confident and now he says things like 'you never used to be like this - whats going on' and the truth is I dont know why over the last few years the insecurities have now crept in. I havent had the best health and had a few operations which have left me with visible scars but I dont feel insecure about them as such....

I just want to switch the nasty little chimp chattering in the back of my head and stop it from taking over...

I think there might be some subconscious beliefs that therapy could help uncover. You never know the effect a divorce could have on you subconsciously.

If he’s also picked up on it, then please seek the help you might need. Good thing you get it through work. It’s expensive!

You definitely need therapy. I am not a therapist and even I can see that the trauma of discovering that after months of abuse for daring to stand up fo ryourself, you had been betrayed over a long time is likely to be causing you some upset. And of course it's coming out as your relationship gets more serious - you were in a relationship with a man who you were oblivious to the fact that he was, in fact, shagging around behind your back. You have lost complete faith in your own ability to spot signs of poor, deceitful behaviour.

This happened to me over the course of my marriage. I was never like it before. In fact I was always fairly confident in my attractiveness! But with my H I became exactly as you describe in your OP.

We're separating now, and I've realised that the relationship never felt secure to me because there was so much emotional turmoil (abuse). I always felt like it could get suddenly snatched away from me at any moment, and I think that translated in my brain as him cheating on me or having his head turned.

He also placed a LOT of focus and value on my appearance and finding me attractive, and I think that subconsciously made me think that if that's what he loves the most about me, what happens if an even more attractive woman comes into his life?

It's not a nice place to be OP, you have my sympathy. I would suggest trying to uncover what unconscious thoughts and beliefs you may have that's lead you to start feeling like this.

Therapist here...
Please don't minimise the burden that your insecurities have put on your life. You have happy external factors, yes. Good for you. Your inner world however is very much unhappy and you're just as entitled to help as the next person.
No one needs to live with such constant struggle, even when you feel like your own mind is causing the struggle. If you can get help, please do. I wish women like you would ask help sooner, and not wait until they've dug themselves a hole that's hard to come back from.

This. Don’t blame yourself, just get some help to work it through. There’s no shame in going to counselling or therapy.

thank you for all your comments they are really helpful and I really appreciate you taking the time to respond.

@Cryingatthegym something you said in your post really spoke to me. My current partner loves the way I look, very complimentary which is of course great. But at the same time its like you say, there is a lot of emphasis on this which my brain turns into what happens if I become less attractive to him etc... then the cycle begins. I want to counter this by saying he also loves the fact I crochet, grow vegetables, love a true crime documentary so its not all looks. My exH never commented on how I looked, if I wore make up would say things like 'who are you trying to look pretty for' etc...

@Girlmom35 @IdLikeToBeAFraser @Y0URSELF thank you I have found all the work details for the programme so just need to call. My partner and I are both WFH today but he is out tomorrow and I think I want to take the first step on my own just to make the call to the advice line service for a referral.

@Unequivocallyblue well done, it can be hard to take that first step.