It’s all a bit too much

[Ijustneedtogrowapear]

I am married with two young teens and one is particularly difficult at the moment due to puberty/ hormones etc
My husband works a lot and I do most of the parenting.
My husband can be utterly lovely one minute but also unkind to me another minute.
He is a great provider and for context I do not work due to MH illness.
My beautiful elderly Dad has recently been diagnosed with cancer. Treatment for this begins soon.
I will be a big support for my Dad and also for my Mum and will do everything that I can to help them practically as well as emotionally.

The situation makes me feel so sad and I don’t know what to do for the best with my marriage. Doing it all on my own feels too much and I am totally neglecting myself.
I know my husband loves us but I don’t feel any support from him and I deserve to have his support. I do everything for him and I feel that life is not just about work and making money. He has a great job and earns well. I realise that we are fortunate but he is constantly tired and our relationship is very strained. I feel resentful that he spends so little time with us, but especially the children.
Any advice please and I am sorry for the long post.

It’s difficult because the obvious answer is to get a full time job and leave, but you can’t.
If he’s spending so little time with you, what is he doing other than working?

He works six days a week. When he finishes he eats / sleeps.
I am thinking of perhaps even getting a pt job. Will my MH prevent me from doing so though ? I had so much time off my last job because I was so unwell and my contract wasn’t renewed. I haven’t worked since and that was three years ago.
I just feel so stuck and exhausted with everything. My marriage isn’t right - I know that .

I think you need to consider what would happen if he decided to divorce you, you’d be in a very poor financial position.

teens are not "particularly difficult due to puberty/hormones etc". That is one source of stress you can get on top of with strong boundaries and discipline. Do not tolerate a teen being "particularly difficult" to you

Could you afford for your husband to work less? It seems he has a pretty rough time too, working 6 days a week and presumably long hours if all he has time for is eating/sleeping. You getting a job would lift some of the financial burden from his shoulders.

He loves his job and he will not lessen the hours as he has worked his way up in his industry. I have talked about it casually with him. Not a chance of him budging.

Happy to get a job, yes, but not sure if I can do a FT job as well as everything else. And I mean everything else: home/ children/ my parents etc My marriage is falling apart and I don’t know what to do

In what way? Please can you explain as it will
give me more insight. I thought because we are married it would give me more financial
protection as such .

You should try to see a solicitor if you think there’s a risk you might separate to understand what financial position you’d be in. Being married offers more protection than not. It isn’t anywhere as generous as it used to be though. Your assets would be split but the % is negotiable. Child maintenance is paid based on a calculator. Some people are awarded spousal maintenance but that isn’t guaranteed & is very specific to individual circumstances. That’s in UK, likely to be different elsewhere.

Don't rush into anything OP. Your husband is supporting you. You don't work he works 6 days a week. In that situation you should be doing everything else. I think you need some marriage counseling if you can afford it. If not try to think of a few concrete things he could do to make you feel more appreciated. You also need to do the same. You sound like you take his contribution for granted.

I'm so sorry to hear about your dad OP, it must be very worrying for you and I think wanting emotional support from your husband is not unreasonable, it is completely separate from the financial support he provides.

I think you need to sit down with your husband and tell him exactly how you feel. It's all very well that he loves his work, but working 6 days a week may end up destroying his marriage. Is that what he really wants?

He is supporting me financially, yes, but everything else, no.
I have a pretty severe mental illness. I am trying my hardest to deal with that on top
of everything else.
I would happily get a job but need to be well. I also need to have some support- otherwise I am running a home, bringing up children , caring for my parents and doing everything.

That’s a lot for anyone, surely.
My husband chooses to be away from his family for long periods of time. He chooses his work over us . I understand he earns well but the quality of life is shit because we barely see him.
I need emotional support from him. I need my husband.

I have no legal knowledge, but you can expect 50% of the house if you own it, and his pension, that’s the starting point but everything is negotiable. But as pp said, spousal maintenance is not given very often, and in most cases you’d be expected to get a job.
Please don’t take my post as being critical in any way, it’s to help you see your potential position, and hopefully empower you.

I appreciate it , thank you.

I am so sorry to hear about your Dad. It sounds like you have so much going on. Could you have individual counselling and possibly couples counselling? I feel like your DH may not have the time or inclination to do the latter. Are you getting help for your mental heath and is there more you can access? A full time job doesn’t sound feasible for you. Possibly a part time job but that would only make sense to me if your DH were cutting back his hours (which you’ve said he won’t do) or you were trying to create some means of financing yourself partially should the worst happen.

Hi @Ijustneedtogrowapear

I am little bit confused, so I hope you don’t mind me asking… but what is it you want advice with? How to manage your mental health, how to find work? Spend more time with the family?

You do all the housework because your a SAHM and you do not contribute financially.

DH does all the earning because he goes out to work but does not contribute to the house hold chores.

If you’re doing everything and you get a job then personally I feel your husband will need to pick up some more housework.

If you feel over run could you a get a cleaner and or a babysitter? Spend Sundays as a family?

At one point my DH was out of work and he did everything around the house and I worked. That was how we split things fairly. He wouldn’t have dreamed of asking me to do both.

I don't think your life will suddenly become easier if you leave your husband op, quite the opposite in fact. I have walked in your shoes for most of my married life, I know it's not easy and I understand why you feel overwhelmed. My dh has always worked crazy hours, sometimes away from home and I had to keep the ship afloat at home on my own with 3 dc.
I would suggest talking to your dh, but be realistic about what he can and can't do.
I think you should get a part time job, or volunteer at your local food bank or similar. It will help with your self esteem, and give you a break from being 'everything to everyone' for a few hours.

Your kids are older and while they still need parenting, it isn't as hands on and exhausting

OP I don’t see anything wrong with the split of work. He brings home the money and you keep family life ticking over. If he’s doing 6 days a week he probably has very little, if any, emotional bandwidth left.

I think your dad’s diagnosis may have triggered a setback in your MH and you need to have your meds adjusted and/or see a therapist.

It does sound like you have a lot to deal with, however I'm not sure you'll have less to deal with or find life more manageable if your source of income, ie your husband, disappears.

You will then need to do everything you are doing in terms of managing your mental health, your teenage children (who you will need to support emotionally through the divorce on top of the usual teenage ups and downs), your parents, your household, plus provide an income.

Focus on your mental health and getting into the most robust and sustainable position you can with that before making any big moves, would be my advice, because without that everything is going to feel difficult regardless of the other circumstances. Finanical woes aren't something you need to add to your list of things to deal with right now.

OP I don't mean this to sound unkind but to offer some perspective. I'm divorced with kids aged from 10-15. I work full time. Presumable your young teens are at school all day, and if they are like mine they will want to hang out with friends, gaming, when home. They don't need 'looking after' as such. What do you with your days when they are at school? I have to be honest, if I had a spouse who was home all day when I worked 6 days a week I'd think them doing the majority of the household stuff was fair.

The problem with doing everything in the house and for the kids is that is a thankless task with zero time off. A 9-5 (or 8-6 or whatever) is in general time bound, with days off, financially and mentally rewarding, with lots of adult interaction and, if it's a decent job, praise, satisfaction, fun interaction etc.

One person working and one doing everything else does not work out as equal contribution. It also makes for a very unhappy marriage if it is poorly balanced as per the OP situation, as one person feels like the domestic drudge (and the other can feel the weight of financial responsibility of course).

Thank you for all of your replies. I appreciate your input.

Definitely food for thought.