Just another in law moan

[Oohphelia]

In laws were always desperate for grandkids but then starting planning their move when we were TTC to be an hour away rather than 15 minutes. They had pound signs in their eyes, wanted to downsize but loved the idea of a lump sum too and so wanted to buy a house half the price of the one they sold and were willing to move far out to achieve that.
We tried to explore the practical realities of what it would be like before they made the leap and got dismissed out of hand.
Now they are stuck in a damp terrace in a naff suburb of a rough town that they mock, and constantly moan that they don't see grandchild enough- anything less than weekly visit results in huffing and emotional blackmail. Lump sum long since gone.
Just annoyed now as they are guilting for child to stay over but they have nowhere appropriate for him to sleep and the stairs are ridiculously steep. These are of course our problems to solve, as per.

And today we have got a text as we missed last weekend visiting as I was ill asking when we are coming this weekend as they miss DGC

Can’t they come to you?

And why can’t they visit you?

They made their bed - and somehow need to understand that they lie in it ( I don’t mean punish they need to adapt to the new situation)
They are free to make such life choices but you are not beholden to jump to.
Hold your nerve, you don’t need to apologise or make it easier for them ( and I do t mean get into a stand off)
’yeah sorry we don’t make it this weekend I had a nasty cough. You wouldn’t want it’
’No we can’t make it on Saturday DD has ballet classes/ swimming /big homework project’

We moved because life is for living and understand that the dynamic with kids and grandkids is different- we visit and stay in hotels and they are always welcome

Your family comes first

Are they messaging you or their son? If it’s you I would ignore or say oh I don’t know, you had better contact DH.

Do they not visit you?

Suggest a time you will all be home for them to visit you. Road goes both ways. Stand firm.

"We Miss the baby"

"we know, it must be so hard now you've moved so far away. You're very welcome next Saturday for lunch!"

We are all in a WhatsApp group. They will and have come to us but their time management is so poor they are often 2 hours late and it ends up becoming the whole day. They prefer us to go to them. We do go on days out and such but we always have to plan them- they say oh we are so chilled we will do anything but that actually means they don't plan, don't book, and end up wandering around aimlessly moaning. I know I sound bitter now but I begrudge spending half my weekend with them. They could have happily had DS for a day each week or for weeknight tea if they hadn't moved but they've made that impractical. DH would like to see less for them and have more freedom on our weekend for a bit of spontaneity, not to mention sorting some house stuff, but he caves when they either rain or give him silent treatment. It's like any free time we have they feel entitled to.

What's near you? Arrange a time to meet them there. If they don't show on time then leave.. Go elsewhere. If they ring tell them you assumed something came up and you have gone out with friends. Yabu to feel under their control.. Take it back. Be less available and tough shit if they twist.

If you go to them you can at least control the amount of time there. Why not say: let's meet at X pub' or 'Y park for a picnic'.