Constant rejection while online dating and after dates.. how did you cope?

[Overthinker89]

Hi all, just looking for some positive stories and thoughts really. Since downloading a few dating apps a year ago I am struggling with seemingly constant rejection. I know part of it is having thick skin but it is tricky. It usually goes like this: I chat to a man online for a bit, go on one or two dates and then either get ghosted, have them tell me they don't feel a romantic connection or have them say they do then do a U-turn after a few weeks. I know you can't take these things too personally but did anyone else struggle with this? Tell me it won't be like this forever. Did anyone face lots of rejection before finding a successful relationship? Also how did you work to maintain your self esteem while dating and handling rejection? Would love your thought/stories loves x

It’s about knowing that you’d be ok with or without a relationship. I started off feeling like you are but apart from the thick skin I also developed a rock solid confidence in myself.
You need to know that it’s not about you. In many ways thankful I didn’t end up with all those people who ghosted me, though they all come back at one point or the other after circling the block.
I don’t know your behaviour in dating, but do you come off as really needy etc? I know that men aren’t really into that sort of thing.

Take a break once in a while to ‘re-centre’ yourself too if you need it.
OLD can be brutal, take it easy, be kind to yourself and know that it’s not you, it’s them.

My utterly gorgeous friend is facing exactly the same currently on the apps, and she is beautiful Inside and out, so it's not just you and no comment on you I am certain.

The apps are now full of fuck-boyz, catfish, pen-pals, adulterers, ghosts, pervs and other wastes of space. There are still some genuine guys for sure, but they take more finding.

Just four years ago it was different, and I met the love of my life on Tinder with relative ease..... That would be no mean feat now.....

But just remember it's not you, take it all with a pinch of salt, and try to see the funny side if you can . And when the dating fun stops, stop. Please don't let it make you feel bad about yourself. There is nothing about you that is causing this!

It sounds like you are looking for a relationship rather than a hook up. Are you really clear about that on your profile?
My friend had a similar experience to you but she was attracting people who wanted hook ups then after they got what they wanted on the first date they disappeared. I followed the 3 date rule as didn’t want this situation.
like pp, I found I had to take breaks from OLD as it is too all consuming. Try to have hope, I got lucky I think but I’ve had two over 1 year relationships as a result of OLD. The first I ended as it had run its course & I’m still in the 2nd.

I wasn’t in OLD pre covid but my friends who were say it’s got much much worse since 2020.

My experience is just as you describe - men not far off their pension convinced they’re Brad Pitt’s better looking brother and acting like 20 something fuckboys thinking women want to see a photo of their shrivelled cock.

Honestly OP it’s not you - OLD is full of total fuckwits

How do you deal with it? Look up the Sasha Fierce concept.

You're the main character, you have your own great life, and being on apps/going on dates is just a little side show in it. Don't get sucked in and make it a priority. I know, easier said than done when you're feeling lonely and bored in your room and start swiping, but...

You can only be you, so if it doesn't progress past a couple of dates, it just wasn't a match. It wasn't the case that you could have done something differently. It was never going to work and good to establish that early on.

I realised very quickly the entire concept of scoping out strangers for a possible relationship didn't agree with me at all, my attachment style is probably avoidant so I always find a million excuses why it wouldn't work with a guy. So don't be afraid to go against the grain and not be on them if you don't like this way of meeting people.

I only spent about a month on them and didn't have any bad experiences but they're not for everyone at all. Life is so much better now and don't think I'd revisit.

ElleintheWoods

This is a great concept and pretty much how I approached online dating when I did it about 10 years ago.

OP, I didn't get any real relationships out of online dating - several dates, a few flings but nothing more. I don't know if I could have done because I was the one saying no to second dates or ending short flings if it wasn't right for me. Can you honestly say that all of these men were right for you? That there were no 'red flags'? Were they all potentially relationship material? I very much doubt it!

People talk about online dating being a numbers game and I suppose it is to an extent but if you are dating lots of men and also feeling rejected by them when it doesnt work out (presumably you reject some too?) Then I'd wonder if you're approaching it with the right attitude. Just because you've matched one dating app and gone on a date, doesn't mean you're what each other is looking for in another person.

You need to make sure your life is full and fulfilling in other ways - work, friends, hobbies and then OLD is just another hobby you pick up when it suits you.

I always think that one of the dangers of OLD is that it lowers your standards somewhat. For some people, 'being in a relationship' is the goal; for others, it's the opportunity to meet different people and work out what their must haves and deal breakers are; for others, they're happy to be selective and keep an open mind and, if they meet someone - great, if not, it doesn't matter because their lives are full already. Some people overlook obvious problems with a person thinking, they were better than some of the others or that they don't want to be too picky and are happy to give someone a chance when they really probably shouldn't.

Your complaint is that they ghost, end it after a few dates or a couple of weeks. But surely you do that too (well, maybe not ghost) because not everyone you go for a coffee with is going to be compatible with you.

And, finally, as others have said, there are some absolute losers doing online dating. There will be some decent men on there but they will also be attractive to lots of women and be able to choose someone who is perfect for them. Be yourself but make sure you are the best version of yourself. Don't be too quick to progress with someone just because they seem interested. Think about whether they're really who you want too.

On line dating. The way to meet your future ex husband.

Have a look at the Burned Haystack Method. The founder suggests that 99.9% of the profiles need to be blocked and burned- you are looking for a needle in a haystack- she says that you can tell a huge amount from what they write (or don't write) in their profiles and early messages. She has a PhD in Rhetoric and has some wise words on OLD.

You'll find her on Instagram and Facebook.

Apparently many of the men on OLD have no intention of ever meeting, they get their kicks from getting the likes.

If they don't ask you any questions on a date- block them, they are not worthy of another date- they are simply not interested.

If they open a message by commenting on your looks- block them, they are shallow (and think you are too).

I have given up after years of trying to find a good man via OLD. But if I were to try again I'd be following the Burned Haystack Method.

www.facebook.com/share/g/2tP89gdCzJkeEozX/?mibextid=K35XfP

I was you a few years ago. I was in the world of OLD and it was a revolving door of meh. I don't remember any ghosters, but I had many dates with men I didn't spark with, men that didn't particularly look like their profile pics, men clearly only looking for hookups and not stating it on their profile (sometimes it took several dates to realise this), men who were not going to be in the UK forever/much longer (in a big university city so this is common), men who just haven't grown up yet, two men who I suspect were gay and just couldn't accept it, men with weird fetishes, one guy who was really nice but got pipped to the post by another woman he had been dating longer (a quick stalk shows that they're married now so it worked out!), and a couple of complete tossers. Oh, and a couple of people that message to say that they didn't feel a spark which I hated at the time but now I look back and realise that they had done the decent thing so kudos to them.

I had a big break from it as it's very draining. Make sure you do as well OP if your MH is starting to struggle because of it. I ended up going on a holiday on my own where it seemed I was the only person my age in this town I was staying in. Felt a bit lonely after a few days so I started up Tinder again just to see if I could go for a drink with anyone on the proviso that I deleted the app when I got back home a couple of days later. Didn't manage to meet up with anyone (everyone was minimum of 30 miles away), went back home, had two swipes right of tinder and left it at that. Went on a date with one of those swipes. Four years later, now married with a child with him. Moral of the story when it comes to OLD is, it's hard, you need a thick skin, you need to know when to take a break from it, but mainly, it can and does work!

You need to turn to focus back to you. Ask yourself - do you actually want a second date with this person, or is it just a second date with anyone?

make it about what and who you want, don’t give the men all the choices here

If dating is attached to your self esteem, you need to not be dating; you're too vulnerable. Self esteem is how you esteem yourself and is totally distinct from the opinions of people you've only met a handful of times.

What do you do, actively, to keep your self esteem healthy when you're not dating?

Realistically you cannot expect every man to be interested. Online, dating is exposing yourself to literally thousands of people. The majority of whom won't be interested.
I'd reassess whether app dating is for you.

I’d come off the free sites and get on a premium one. People who are prepared to pay a significant amount are usually more ready for a proper grown up relationship.

I’m lucky: I met my DH through online dating, but even then (this was when OLD was in its infancy) I had to kiss a few frogs! What I discovered was: be sure you and they are on the same page. If you want a relationship with a view to marriage, make it plain. There are all too many who just want a hook up, or a mistress. Don’t date anyone who is only separated - they are not looking for a long term relationship and will use it as an excuse to stop things progressing, if it’s got to a point where they’re comfortable, but you want more. And be realistic - if someone has a very different lifestyle, are they really for you? Perhaps yes, but just take care to look all around. And be patient. I would be the first to say I got lucky - and I gather it’s much harder now than it was then. Just as IRL, you’re not going to be attracted to every man you meet, nor they to you. Be happy in yourself - dating should be fun, even if it doesn’t go anywhere.

Make sure your profile accurately reflects what you are looking for.

Good luck.