Lack of friendships, mid 30s

[RichTea90]

Hi,

I am in my mid thirties, engaged, have a dog and own a house… however, over the years, my friendships have become really distant and I’m coming to the realisation that I don’t have any particularly strong or close friends, and I just feel this horrible sense of loneliness that I cannot explain.

I am really close to my partner, and he is my best friend. He’s so supportive and understanding, I’m really lucky to have him.

i don’t have a group of friends from school, barely keep in touch with friends from uni, used to have a good friend from uni I became close to but she refused to come to my Dad’s funeral, and that hurt me so I drifted from her. I have two other friends from a postgrad course and I used to work with them but I had to relocate and whilst we remain in a joint WhatsApp group, they don’t make effort with me individually really. I am going to one of the girls wedding next month abroad, but I still feel this strange loneliness and detachment.

I work from home in an isolated role so it’s hard to make friends through work, though I befriended a male colleague who I’ve developed a friendship with. Also I joined a gym and made friends with a woman there…

how on earth do you develop friends, or better yet, friendship groups in your 30s? I don’t have kids, but lady from gym suggested that when I do, I’ll prob make loads of mum friends. However I’m not totally convinced that will definitely happen, they could just become acquaintances. Maybe what I’m really trying to ask is how do you cultivate deep & meaningful friendships? I have always found it quite difficult.

Do you think you have this "strange loneliness" because you think you should? Do you think you've convinced yourself that you need friends because you feel other people think you should have them? That was me. Then I realised I was perfectly fine and very happy the way I am. I have a wonderful husband, amazing kids, get along well with colleagues while at work, don't have any issues dealing with strangers in public and even have nice chats with randoms on occasion. I'm happy the way I am. I genuinely don't need anyone else in my life.

I can completely relate Richtea. I have a friend group from uni but I'm only really close to 1 girl in the group but we don't live in the same city. The others I'd meet rarely as we don't live close by abd really weve drifted over the years. So really it's just whatsapp messages.
Up until 2 years ago, I was in another 'friend' group for about 7/8 years but the Queen bee decided to oust me (as she'd done to others before. There was no specific reason or falling out) and the others just kinda went along with her. It was so hurtful. Even in middle age.
I feel the other people I'm friendly with all have closer friends. I feel like I'm always a tier 2 friend.
I also feel lonely and crave some closeness.
I am trying to cultivate acceptance and look at all I have not what I don't.

I made lots of friends when I had kids. Some I’ve stayed friends with as the kids have got older and some have drifted. I did make sure I did lots of baby groups with the kids and talked to people there and then when they were in school I chatted to people in the playground etc.
Before that it was mostly through work but that is harder with people working from home.
I do have some friends that I make all the effort with but that doesn’t bother me if we enjoy the time when we are together.

Yes, you’re so right to be honest. I often wonder this as well. I feel I need to do better at just being grateful & thankful at what I do have. I just have this horrible sense that life is passing me by and I’m missing out on things.

Yep, this is me. Sorry for your experiences.
tier 2 friend is how I feel too… it seems everyone always has closer friends than me. I sometimes wonder if there’s something wrong with me socially…

i have always managed to get along with people but really struggled making real friendships! I just seem to find it hard to keep in touch ect.. I’m not sure! Anyway just wanted to say you’re not alone in this x

Check this out: https://www.stylist.co.uk/relationships/family-friends/friendship-anxiety-comparison-social-media/483204

Is part of why you feel that way social pressure?

Sounds like at the moment life doesn't set you up to naturally have friendships. I'd suggest some in-person activities, a lot of women seem to find the local women's walking/social groups good as it's usually childfree women and they do more than just walk.

Pick up a sport, especially a team sport like softball cricket, hockey or football.

And/or volunteer for something where there are a group of people who could be your friends regularly doing an activity together

Even better, volunteer to become an organiser for the sport.

I think the secret sauce to friendships in later life is having something to DO together... I.e. play a sport, organise something or both. Places where you just turn up (gym, lots of evening type classes, even having DC at the same school) just don't seem to have the same social glue around them.

Well, what kind of people are you attracted to? When you imagine having friends, what are they like, what do you do together, how often do you see them, why do they like you?

Some people are friends people. I think it’s just accepting that’s part of life.

its best to have acquaintances and just do hobbies you enjoy. Making friends with people your age and poor track record is unlikely to change.

fight the loneliness with hobbies and acquaintance.

I think friendships are very important. But I wouldn't worry about long-term or really close friends; just try at first to keep your acquaintances on your radar, and actually interact with them. Even if you don't know them that well, offer to meet for a walk, or a Saturday coffee.

While I don't feel lonely, or am not over-dependent on my Dh, i sometimes feel a bit adrift. I do have a few close friends, but only one or two in my town. At one point in my life I had 3 close friends move away within a year, and I was very lonely.

I think the point is to join groups or sports, but then take a further step to invite one or more of those people over to your house, or out for a coffee/tea.

I have loads of friends but no DH or DP. In my opinion, when you're in a relationship, it's easy to let things slide, then you suddenly realise you only see each other. Try hard to get out there and meet some people, especially as you're working from home.

I made friends when my son went to school via birthday parties-I wasn't on the playground as I was a teacher myself-then, when he started playing football and cricket, a whole new social circle opened up. We're all still friends now even though the kids are 21!
More recently, I've got to know new people in a running club I've joined. We do lots of social stuff together.

At 29 I started a niche sport, having moved to a city where I knew very few people. It gave me an opportunity to make a whole load of new friends, several of whom I am still in regular contact with 20 years later. I eventually met my DH through the sport as well.

A couple of years later I wanted to try a different sport and immediately
Made a new crowd of friends. I didn't stick with it so long and am not in contact with them any more but it's definitely the way to go. There are so many sports or hobbies to do.

I just have this horrible sense that life is passing me by and I’m missing out on things.

Your life will be what you choose to make of it, with or without a big friendship circle.

OP, I'm 50 and I don't really have any friends. I know lots of people, I get on with people but I've only had one short period in life where I actually had friends and all but one of those has fallen by the wayside for various reasons. I have no one to go on a night out with, no one to meet for coffee, no one to text when I have good news and no one to invite to my wedding when I marry in a couple of years. Sometimes it bothers me, sometimes it doesn't.

One thing that jumped out at me from your lost was this - I don’t have kids, but lady from gym suggested that when I do, I’ll prob make loads of mum friends.

Now, I'm not saying you do do this but it might be worth reflecting on.

I had a boyfriend once who had very low self esteem and also struggled with friendships (we were early 20s so quite young). He developed a habit of meeting people, getting on well with them and very quickly telling them he had no friends, no one liked him or about some upset in his life. He told me he judged his friends on how kind and supportive they were. But I always felt he killed off early friendships by opening up too quickly about his sadness and loneliness so any friendship wasn't based on connection or shared interests etc but on how interested they were in his 'trauma' and how willing they were to take him on. He was hard work tbh.

So I wonder how close you are to the woman in the gym. Have you been friends with her for a while? Do you see her outside of the gym? Do you see her at the gym several times a week and go for coffee where you have shared your lives and got into deeper conversations?

Or do you chat between classes and machines but have somehow managed to tell her how lonely and friendless you are?
Like I say, no judgement from me, I'm in a very similar position but I've also avoided becoming friends with women who seem to 'need' me to be their friend rather than it evolving naturally. Does that make sense?

Thanks everyone for your replies, I really appreciate them.