Am I to blame for this break up?

[Cobes]

I know it takes two when it comes to relationships but I'm driving myself crazy blaming myself for the end of our 9 year relationship but everyone else tells me it's not my fault.

We were together 9 years, we have a 12 month old DS (our only child), we split when he was 8 months old. A few weeks postpartum I became incredibly snappy and put it down to hormones. We have a smallish house, 2 hyper French bulldogs and I felt so overwhelmed when they were going anywhere near the baby and I was freaking out, the house suddenly feels messier and everything stands out, you're overtired and your life has just massively changed, it was a lot. I think I had postpartum anxiety looking back, but didn't know that at the time. Everything sent me in a spin, but rather than support me my ex would tell me I'm bipolar or 'just stop worrying' when I think all I really needed was a hug and some kindness, he made me feel like such a burden and the viscous cycle began. Everything that I said I just felt unheard as he rolled his eyes or shrugged at most things I said. But my mind keeps remembering all the times he was helpful and supportive when I was pregnant, we were so excited and closer than ever and I just feel so sad that this hasn't worked out. He was my best friend and things took such a turn when the baby arrived which sounds awful to say, he was very much planned for and he is my everything. We just couldn't work as a team no matter how hard we tried, but my family and friends all say he wants it his way or no way. I think for most of our relationship I've been very laidback and gone along with everything he's wanted to do, not out of fear or anything, but I've been an easygoing person and just went with the flow with everything. Whatever holiday he wanted to go on etc, I'd be like yeah let's do it. Since DS was born I of course changed and I was so so focused on being a good mother and I did panic about little things and wanted to do everything perfectly, which looking back I didn't need to do and I should have focused on my relationship too not just the baby 24/7 but it's what I did.

He's buying me out of our mortgage and I'm in the process of buying a new house. He wants 50/50 custody of the baby which I haven't agreed to as I think he's a bit young so I suggested a bit less to start with and now we're going to mediation which he's already saying 'is pointless because he's not changing his mind so we'll end up in court'.

Sorry for the rambling, but I guess I'm just thinking did I cause all this by being a bitch or was it just normal for a new mother to be so hormonal and just needed support I didn't get and I just got resentful? I need some sort of closure in my mind from this 😢 I have a 1 year old, work full time, am in the process of buying a house and now have to go to mediation aswell my life has just flipped on its head in the last year. DS is the only thing in this world keeping me together right now. Thank you if you got this far.

Not your fault. Your life was turned on its head and you needed support. Not judgement.

It wasn’t your fault. Sometimes life doesn’t go as planned. Sometimes people change and grow apart. You couldn’t have predicted this.

Not your fault, and he sounds difficult. But if he wants 50/50 it seems fair. You won't get to decide that 12 months old is too young for this, I'm afraid. If you can't agree at mediation then he's right, it will go to court.

I don’t think it’s either of your faults, sometimes having a baby changes the dynamic and it tests the relationship. Small things become big and with tiredness and the worry of having a little one to care for both of you get tired and snappy.
Are you both agreed it’s definitely beyond repair?

Yes I think fault is the wrong word because I don't want to put 'blame' on either of us I think I'm just reflecting on everything and beating myself up about it all. We tried for months to make it work but I was willing to keep trying but he just isn't. Even when I started the process of buying my house I told him I don't want to do this and I broke down about it but he said there's no going back for him and he doesn't feel the same way about me. It's the hardest thing I've ever been through, it's horrible thinking of what we could have been, a little family. Really hard to get my head around 😢

You needed support.

Is he aware that he could have been suffering post partum depression (or whatever the male version is called) too?

It's not just hormones that contribute, it's a massive life change having a baby and it can really affect both mums and dads.

Not to excuse him being an arsehole, but maybe acknowledging this would help him admit his was making mistakes?

I did actually bring this up with him a few months in as he's definitely shown signs but he got so defensive over it. I went about it in a sensitive way when he was particularly down one day I brought it up but he just wouldn't talk about it and got defensive. I do think there was definitely an element of that too. I suggested counselling before we split up but he wouldn't go. So many things led to this I think, it's just horrible to look back on things and wishing you did it differently. Hindsight is horrible sometimes because you can't go back and change things 😞

OP I do feel for you, but you will get through this. If he’s been honest and his feelings just aren’t there then you have done everything you could to save it by suggesting counselling and to keep trying. So at some point I hope you can reflect and realise you tried hard enough.

it will be devastating and heartbreaking at the moment but it will get easier. You do need some support juggling a baby and all this though, but if he’s suggesting 50/50 custody’s that may be a good thing. Babies are adaptable and it might be good to establish that routine early.

Os he doing any parenting already? He may well go off the idea of 50/50 once he sees how much work it is.