Am I being unreasonable?

[DAISYBELLAxx]

Hello everyone!

My partner and I have been great and things have been going really well. He is in the process of selling his flat so that we can buy a house together in the coming months.

We had a cinema date booked yesterday, of which I booked the tickets. He got home from work, and I ranted to him about the estate agents (I dont feel that they are doing a great job). I did rant, but felt that it was in a general conversational tone as I was getting ready. He shouted at me, saying it isnt his fault. I questioned how he interpreted me having a general rant about a service as being personal to him, but his voice got louder. I explained to him that I will not be shouted at and will talk to him when he lowers his voice.

We continued getting ready in silence, and then left for the cinema in silence. The argument then continued in the car. He was still shouting. I tried to remain calm and then ended up losing my temper and shouting back. He then called me a hypocrite. The argument just snowballed.

I did a U turn and drove back towards home. We got to a calm point later on in the evening but I feel sad that we missed the cinema. He said the film is something he really wanted to see and feels disappointed that I drove back home.

I am considering booking it again for this weekend but am reluctant to. I know it is tit for tat, but at Christmas he wrapped up a letter which said 'spa day', this hasnt materialised, even after me reminding him. He just says 'yes we need to sit down and book dates', but it never happens. I told him last night that I understand hes upset about the cinema, but I feel upset that I missed out on that spa experience, especially as I took him abroad for his 30th and planned everything as a surprise.

We are now on ok terms. Part of me wants to book the cinema again as I feel mean for yesterday, but the other half of me is saying no.

My DH would take me ranting at him about the estate agent as a direct criticism aimed at him personally for choosing that estate agent in the first place.

Wrapping up a letter which said 'spa day' is kind of thoughtless, unless he had only recently found out when your birthday was, of course?

You are more than entitled to rant to your partner. If we can't rant to our partner/best friend/parent, then who can we rant to? He needs to understand that you're not accusing him of doing a bad job. Without being rude, anyone with half a brain could realise you're complaining about the estate agent, not about him!

Assuming it’s his flat sale and he chose the estate agents, I can see why he has taken your rant about them as a direct criticism as well. And more often than not we may think we are being “conversational” when ranting when in reality we aren’t, we are all guilty of it, getting a bit animated/loud. I can see why he felt that way. It would upset me even more if I felt my husband was ranting at me and then when I tried to defend myself patronised me and basically told me to calm down.

I wouldn't be too impressed if I'd just come in from work and my husband came at me ranting about something that wasn't my fault either. Do you really not understand how he could've taken that badly or are you just stung he got pissed off with you about it instead of agreeing with you?

I also wouldn't be impressed with you bringing up something that happened 8 months ago to settle an argument today. That's not helpful and just feels like point scoring.

Sounds like your communication overall isn't very good (either of you, not just you!) (and he isn't very good at making an effort for gifts, an IOU, really? He might as well have written "I forgot to get you anything").

Friend of mine is a couples counsellor and she recommends all couples getting counselling before major changes in their relationship like moving in together, buying a home, getting married, having kids. Counselling doesn't mean there's anything wrong, it's just a good way to nail down communication if you find you have misunderstandings like this a lot. A lot of people don't utilise counselling until it's already too late and the horse has already bolted so to speak. Maybe give it a try?

I think I can understand why you're partner got upset here tbh. He probably took it as you attacking his choice of estate agent, but more importantly, your timing was awful. That conversation could have waited, or at least not had as soon as he got home from work!
He is absolutely crap at gifts it would seem, but that's another issue!

Thank you. Your comments have made me put things more into perspective from his side of things. Maybe it wasn't the best timing when he finished work, and maybe he did see it as an insult towards him and I should do better next time to be more considerable of his feelings.