I am learning that my husband has, in the past, acted in a way that many people would consider emotionally abusive. Things like explosive anger, self harm, threatening suicide, etc. Anger was his default emotion for everything. When he felt insecure, criticised, unsafe, anxious, stressed, in pain…and so on. He could be pretty cruel and a bit scary (never anything physical). I always put this down to mental health issues, he has depression, anxiety, stints of insomnia, likely childhood issues that he won’t address. But lately I have realised that none of this is excusable.
Earlier this year I plucked up the courage to discuss this with him. I explained that I felt unsafe to express myself, I was deeply unhappy, I didn’t feel I loved him anymore and was coming close to considering separation. Since then, he really seems to have turned over a new leaf. He has controlled his anger, there have been no arguments, no allusions to self harm. He is being so kind and empathetic towards me. Life is peaceful and he is making a lot of effort around the home, trying to be a better dad, better husband. I really can’t fault him, and its too early to say whether this is a permanent change.
This leaves me so confused. Because I still feel like the love is gone (on my part at least). I’ve shouldered so much over the years…trying to support him through mental health issues, parenting 2 young children, there has also been cheating to forgive…. I feel kind of broken. So even though he is now being the person I needed and wanted him to be, I’m worried it is too late and that bond and connection might never come back. But I feel terrible, because he’s doing everything I asked.
Life on the face of it is good. Mainly – our children are happy. It would feel so needlessly damaging to put them through the divorce process when I could probably just hunker down and get through the next 10 years with a decent, comfortable and harmonious life.
What would you do?