Have you ever been ticking along in a good, long relationship and then boom! your feelings just dried up?

[Sugarnspicenallthingsnaice]

My partner and I don't live together but normally have a wonderful relationship, we've been together years and have solid plans for the future. We are 'mature aged' and know what we want from life and relationships.

The last few weeks have been very hard. First his health, then mine. I've been very unwell and reached a very low point mentally at the same time.

There's been been a real lack of comfort and care from him when I really needed it. I'm confident this is not him being an arsehole, more just a bit hapless and overwhelmed. I have been depressed and moody, to be fair.

But it hurt, really hurt, and I felt desperately lonely and unloved when it mattered most. I didn't speak up at the time, I wanted him to be the person I needed without being told.

I'm not sure I feel anything for him/us anymore other than a vague sense of disappointment. He's now pestering to see me (too little too late!) and I feel actual dread at the thought.

It's like someone flipped a switch in my brain and the love is dead, just like that. How can that be?

Any experience/insight would be very welcome!

You are angry with him and are ruminating about why his is not perfect, which is hardening and growing the negativity. You are enjoying this on some level and don’t want him to come along and spoil it for you.

If you see him, all that resentment could dry up in an instant as you realise he is a good guy, and if you’d spoken up, instead of expecting him to guess what you want, he would have done what you wanted, and that you are a massive wally, creating drama and sulking - probably because of a childhood wound/expectation.

He’s not a mind reader. You didn’t tell him how you felt and now you’re punishing him for not psychically knowing exactly what you needed. That’s both immature and unfair. Could it be you were unable to speak up because you struggle to assert yourself? If so, you should seek support to deal with that. Individual counselling would be good as you’ll be able to understand why you felt you couldn’t speak up and ask for what you wanted. I would suggest that you speak to your partner, in person, and tell him what’s been going on in your head. You should also apologise for taking out your mental health issues on him. Having mental health problems is fine and should be addressed but using them as an excuse to treat our loved ones poorly, is poor form.

The chips were down and he flaked out. You've seen a side of him that perhaps you never had the opportunity to see. Sometimes a switch really does get flipped.

Providing comfort and support to a long term partner when they are physically and mentally unwell is a relationship basic, not a difference of approach or personality... there might be additional context that's relevant but based on what OP has written here I don't think this comment is very fair.

OP - Sometimes people's feelings just change, it is possible for them to come back. But given this was triggered by something, this is worth taking a step back and looking at the bigger picture, and seeing if you want to try and resolve this issue for future rather than let it be death by 1000 cuts, as if you are already feeling this way, if it happens again it's likely you will end up feeling this way again.

I presume as his health issues came first, you showed him all the care and attention you expect when someone is ill. Then you became unwell and he just.... didn't?

I do agree with the pp's saying talk to him but I also agree with Aquamarine... he should've stepped up without being handheld and he's shown a side of himself that is very unattractive. The 'ick' is a real thing, even if you don't like the label.

“I'm confident this is not him being an arsehole, more just a bit hapless and overwhelmed. I have been depressed and moody, to be fair.”

OP states that he wasn’t trying to be a bad guy in her post. It doesn’t seem from what she’s said that their relationship has been a bad one before this. It’s often very difficult for someone to know how to help and support a loved one who’s experiencing mental health difficulties for fear of making things worse. OP also states that her partner had also been unwell, so perhaps he wasn’t capable of giving as much as he would’ve liked at the time. Regardless, if you don’t communicate your needs, you can’t expect your needs to be magically met.

Thanks everyone, except the first post full of insults. Lots to think about.

I'm not creating drama or enjoying this on any level. I've been spectacularly unwell with really horiible symptoms I won't go into, I've just had surgery, I'm waiting to find out if I have cancer. I'm normally mentally well, just now I'm exhausted, upset and terrified about what is happening. I have zero headspace for any kind of drama.

He is fully recovered btw.

Could it be that because of the severity of your symptoms you are actually pushing your partner away subconsciously? This does happen when people are very unwell. It’s a defence mechanism where they push away their loved ones for fear of becoming a burden to them or feeling weak in front of them and not wanting to be seen that way. Is that a possibility? I def think given everything that’s going on that counselling is a good idea. What you’re going through is potentially quite traumatic and you could benefit from having support with that.

Honestly, this sounds like menopause to me. I had a full hysterectomy in 2022 and - in the 8 weeks before I was allowed to start HRT - “lonely and unloved” was exactly how I felt.

I'm not saying your partner hasn’t been annoying, but your reaction made me think low oestrogen rather than LTB.

I think sometimes you can tick along fine until something comes along that makes you re-evaluate lots of things - not just your relationship. A bit like having a mid life crisis suddenly out of the blue...

It might be that it's a blip - we all have blips. Or it's you actually coming to realise something that has been coming longer than you think....

Edited to Add - the relationship might just be the thing copping for all your feelings now. It could have been your job perhaps, or where you live....

Unless it was a hysterectomy - hormones do strange things.

No hysterectomy. I'm not sure if the menopause suggestion came before reading my update, it felt extraordinarily flippant given the actual circumstances. But just to head any more of that off at the pass, I am post menopausal.

Sometimes a switch really does get flipped.

Yep. Happened to me. I'm better off out of it.

My answer to the OP's question is yes, though it was a slow drip feed of disappointments over many years.

Maybe it's because the op didn't write him a dissertation, detailing exactly what she needed, when and why, after all she forgot he isn't a mind reader, or maybe it's because of menopause which apparently nullifies any actual feelings you might have, or maybe it's because this is the first time shit has really hit the fan and therefore the first time the op has been able to witness how he handles a crisis point in their relationship.

He has let you down big time.

It's woken you up and you've realised your better off without him.

Trust yourself. Don't waste your life with someone capable of letting you down.

I am SO SORRY if I spoke out of turn. I read your OP then rushed to suggest menopause. I must have scrolled past your update in my haste. I’m really sorry. I’ll RTFT properly in future.