Thinking of Going NC With My Mum

[WickedWitchOfTheEast87]

There's a massive backstory to this that's too long to post so I'll try to keep this as short as possible happy to answer any questions that won't be outing and I have changed some details to avoid being outing as I don't know if my sisters or other family are on MN.

I've had a difficult relationship with my mum since she left my dad over 20 years ago due to domestic violence. Whilst she did the right thing in leaving him she also changed and not for the good in my opinion. She basically left me and my older middle sister (my eldest sister stayed with our dad) to fend for ourselves and my sister ended up being a surrogate mum to me as our mum was always out drinking in pubs until midnight or later. My mum whenever this gets brought up minimises it and says she went a bit off the rails when to me she basically checked out of parenting and did the bare basics i.e. we were fed and clothed and physically safe but were traumatised due to what my dad did and she never once thought about our emotional needs or the trauma we also suffered and my sister was the one who took on the parent role to me which caused issues in our relationship but we've managed to sort that out and do have a much better relationship now we are adults.

My mum has always played favourites with me and my older sisters examples they get treated with respect, like adults, never get called out on any bad behaviour and can do no wrong and my my mum will always excuse it. But with me my mum constantly criticises, judges and nit picks at me for any slight thing and has done for years and when I stand up for myself turns on me and says I pick fights, I'm wrong and need to change my attitude. My mum would then tell my sisters and other family members she doesn't know why I am so angry at her and what she has done wrong leaving out her part in our many bust ups denies it or says she doesn't remember so it never happened.

Now to latest problem. We had an argument about a month ago she started criticising me over something I got for her when I was shopping and how it wasn't enough I should have bought 2 of said item (she asked for only one of those items) I was already feeling fed up as I constantly have to listen to her complaining so I asked her why she always complains and her constant negativity is getting me down she of course turned on me told me I was getting upset/annoyed over nothing and she was just saying I tried staying calm to discuss it but she told me to fuck off and put the phone down. I was pisssd off and sent her a text basically saying she's nasty and this why I speak to her badly. We didn't speak for weeks no apology from her (she never apologises unless someone else tells her she is wrong) but she then got in touch to ask if I was still looking after her dog and cats whilst she was on holiday which I did for 2 weeks.

She got back 3 days ago and within minutes was checking things and commenting on housework I hadn't done and then asked me if I had taken some money she left in the draw in her coffee table. I hadn't even known it was there in the first place because I don't go down other people's things and I would never take something that doesn't belong to me. I am really pissed off about this because I feel she was basically accusing me of thieving and whilst I have always felt she hates me and has a low opinion of me I never would have imagined she thought I was capable of stealing money!

I have now had enough of her and want to go NC but have always been reluctant because I'm already NC with my dad and she is the only parent I have and I've always felt bad because I know what a hard life she has had but I'm now seeing she isn't a victim like I always thought. I do a lot for her and she does for me but she always dismisses what I do and sometimes doesn't even remember the things I've done to help her but she can recall everything she has done for me.

So from reading all this am I right to just cut her off and not bother anymore? I don't plan to confront her because there is no point she will deny every horrible thing she has said and done to me over the years so I don't want to waste my time.

She had her chance to carve out a loving relationship with you. She doesn’t need another chance. She has confused you for your dad and taking out all her anger on you. Distance yourself from her. Get therapy and counselling for yourself and move on.

Hi there's a good thread on here for support for this type of thing its called we took you to stately homes

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/site_stuff/5084157-lost-thread?reply=135587966&utm_campaign=reply&utm_medium=share

@Floppyelf yes I've been thinking that, I've given her more chances than I ever gave my dad. Every time I think we've turned a corner and finally I'm getting treated the same as my sisters my mum does something that shows me otherwise and I always get hooked back in. Her favourite thing to say to me when I lose my temper is "your just like your dad" despite being told so many times by me, my sisters and other family not to do it because I'm not abusive like him (I'm far from perfect) and it upsets me she says "oh I didn't realise I won't do it again" then she does it again. I actually called her a bad and horrible mum to her face once and she was so hurt I could think that of her yet she doesn't think twice about being nasty to me, I actually think she enjoys picking at me. I've had 12 years of therapy to undo the damage her and my dad have done.

@Dollyparot200 Thank you I will read that thread amd see if it relates to me.

Yes do it. But do it for yourself. Do it to move on. Do not do it thinking its going to change her or sort things. Do not do it out of anger. Do it out of self protection.
Make sure you really mean it and are going to block her on all channels. You have to be strong. She is harming you.
Most of all stop giving head space to how sue is thinking and feeling.. work on yourself. Do not get drawn back in.
Good luck.

And remember she's not going to suddenly turn around and have insight into herself and how she treats you. She will always have some narrative of why she hasn't done anything wrong or how you are oversensitive or ungrateful or abusive. That won't change when you cut her off. She probably almost always truly believes that you are in the wrong and she's totally justified to do or sat whatever.
That's why you need to distance yourself because it's so hard when you deal with someone like that... you won't know your own mind at all. You'll feel her expectations and emotions as though they were your own. Because that's how you've been raised. By someone who couldn't prioritise any of your needs or emotions and always put herself first. And totally justified this to herself in her head. Probably sees herself as a perpetual victim of everyone elses nastiness. So that's all you know.

Thank you. You're 100% spot on I give her too much headspace and wondering why she picks at me so much when my eldest sister basically doesn't bother with her, blames our mum for how her life turned out (our dad used her as a weapon when my mum left) my mum won't say a word or dare tell her not to speak to her that way.

I have no self esteem thanks to my mum, when I was a teenager and gained weight after a bad injury (my mum thought I was making it up for attention badly dislocated my knee and was told no physical exercise until further notice) she kept telling me I need to diet so I don't gain anymore weight and once told me "you shouldn't be so f*cking fat" when I said my clothes don't fit I was about 15 at the time she denies ever saying this to me and said she would never be so nasty this is one of many examples of nasty things she has said and done to me over the years I'd be here for days if I listed it all.

I used to not bother with her for months at a time years ago because I was so fed up with her but my sisters said it wasn't right and tried to help us rebuild our relationship she agreed to stop her behaviour and make an effort it lasted a few weeks/months, best behaviour then she'd start again this is the pattern with her. My middle sister lives at the other end of the country my eldest sister is a 40 miniute drive away so a lot stuff my mum needs doing fall to me but I'm so tired of it because she isn't grateful or even appreciative of my help.

I just feel so angry and resentful at her for the damage she has inflicted on me and still does, but accusing me of thieving money from her has really made me snap and think about going NC. I know I can do it as I did with my dad and I've never once given him another chance but I also know when my mum realises I have cut her off my sisters will be sent in as the flying monkey's and I don't want it to effect my relationship with my middle sister as we have now managed to have a good relationship and get on really well, I'm not bothered about my eldest sister as she's basically a carbon copy of both my parents and has their worst traits down to their selfisness so I won't care if she decides to cut me off as we barely speak anyway.