Starting over again at 35

[NC937]

I’m currently going through a break up after 12 years together and 5 years of marriage.

I’m pretty terrified about facing life alone. I have autism and don’t have many close friends as I struggle to build close bonds with people and let my guard down. The few friends I had were “couple” friends I saw with DH and are his friend’s partners and geographically spread out. I have a well paid, corporate job but it isn’t my passion or something I love and is quite stressful.

DH was pretty much the centre of my life. I love to travel and we travelled a lot together. Most weekends we’d do things just the two of us - bike rides, brunches, galleries, walks, dinner etc. or weekends away.

I want to have DC so I need to meet someone else pretty quickly. Before I met DH I was still a student and very confident with men, going on dates etc as I was in my early twenties, going on nights out and confident in how I looked. Since then I’ve naturally aged and I’ve gained quite a lot of weight (gone from an 8 when I met DH to a 14 now) and my face shape has changed so my bone structure isn’t as defined and I have a slight double chin. I can’t imagine going on dates now or letting a man see me naked for the first time. The fact I also don’t have much of a life without DH makes me feel even less of an attractive prospect but it will take me time to build a life up and make new friends.

I just feel so daunted by the future rn. I suppose I just want advice from anyone who has been through something similar and started again at this age or tips for how to get back out on the dating scene.

No advice, just bumping your post for anyone with advice x

Is it too late to repair with your DH? Have you tried couple therapy etc? If there's no possibility of making it work then I think you need to focus on yourself for a while not jumping into another relationship, despite your age and desire to have kids. You will need time to regroup, maybe focus on understanding yourself better (is autism diagnosis recent?), feeling healthier and happier in yourself, thinking carefully about what you value and if even children are right for you, what makes you happy and how can you find good quality friends etc. Good luck

You sound like you’re still very much in love with DH, is it beyond repair?

Aside from that you don’t sound super confident in yourself, try to focus on the positive attributes you have. None of us look like we did in our 20s that doesn’t make you unattractive or undesirable.

I had significant break ups at the age of 28 and then 42 … it was tough but all okay in the end.

Try to stick to a routine every day to give you some stability.

Hey OP - 35 is still young!

Having gone through this I’d advise that -

Put the idea of kids on ice for a bit or even freeze your eggs.

Take a year or so out to find out who the ‘new you’ is. If you jump straight in to a new relationship you will just drag all
the old baggage with you. I am totally different now than the person I was when I was married. Get to like being in your own company then when you do meet some one you won’t put so much pressure on it working out because you will be ok if it doesn’t. I’m the happiest I’ve ever been in my life and that’s because I took time out to work on myself,

OLD is not for the faint hearted and it’s actually a very small pool of fish. Only spend a couple of months on there then take a break as it can ruin your self esteem,

Build your friendship network back up again.

Join hobbies or clubs to meet new people.

Start exercising - I’m the fittest I’ve ever been and I’m 45 - this will give you confidence.

Focus on doing things that make you happy. Find enjoyment in life 💐