I was introduced to my ex by a mutual friend and they had known each other for 5+ years (they worked together). I wasn’t interested at first but I gave him the benefit of the doubt and actually started to quite like him. He was 32 at the time and told me his last relationship was long distance with a girl who lived overseas (never mets to begin with I think its called but they would see each other three or four times a year) and they broke up due to Covid (which I thought was odd as Covid won’t last forever).
I cannot explain it in any other way in that the man was crazy avoidant – he said he was suffering with mental health and struggled with intimacy and that he needed to go away and ‘do better’. I put this down to the fact he’d never really done close distance seriously. In the year we were together, I met his parents once, never met any of his friends (on reflection I’m not sure he actually has any), he kept me at arm’s length and gave me just enough to keep me there, then when I would demand more would switch up for a brief spell. After a year I had had enough and now MY mental health was shot and I broke up with him. I really struggled with this break up – I’d been with someone for 7 years prior to this and I ended that – this was way harder for some weird reason.
For the next 2 years this man always kept me around, I even moved to another city to get over him as it was just too much. I know I should’ve blocked him but I felt so bad for him. We continued to see each other intermittently and of course were intimate on a couple of occasions when I’d go back to my home city to work and even had phone sex a mere 6 weeks ago.
Anyway, fast forward to a few weeks ago. We were due to meet for coffee and were texting quite a bit and he told me he was on vacation. Turns out he was on vacation with his family and his ex he told me I had absolutely nothing to worry about throughout whole relationship (the long distance ex). This was all exposed via instagram - I have great detective friends! This man had lied to me for nearly a year and a half and had gotten back with her, all while continuing to speak to me. I messaged her to tell her and was so upset that I was made ‘the other woman’ without my consent and offered to send her all of the evidence but she didn’t want to see and refused. I told my friends who set us up and they had absolutely no idea this girl even existed and were shocked.
I feel so betrayed, stupid. Perhaps naive, but this is something you read about in a magazine and never did I ever think something like this could happen to me. To make matters worse we’re all in our mid 30’s! I think I’m fairly attractive, workout, have an amazing job (used to) be confident, always try and do right by others, own my own home and have my life together and I’m honestly mortified – I’ spent 2 years waiting for a guy who played the mental health card to make me wait for him who has completely lead me on. I know I should take accountability to some degree but I cannot count the number of times he had the opportunity to tell me. Of course I would’ve been upset but there would’ve been nothing I could do. If she really was the love of his life and he was so happy. Surely he would’ve told me?
She eventually reached out and wanted a few more details which I agreed to. He completely downplayed our relationship and said I was toxic - which was horrible to hear. It turns out he had lied quite a lot to her too and she was very upset. I did reach out a couple of days later to apologise again and hoped she was okay but I had no response. I’ve later learnt that she has decided to take him back and it’s almost like finding out all over again - this man has behaved so terribly and is suffering no consequences for his actions. It seems bizarre that I’m the one here picking up the pieces? It seems so unjust that I’ve been made out to be this evil temptress; and yes I shouldn’t care but unfortunately despite my usual resilience this isn’t happening! Their whole relationship seems incredibly juvenile - they’ve been long distance for approximately 7 years (excluding the year we were together) which to me is insane!
I'm wondering if anyone has experienced anything similar? Am
I overreacting? I feel like I want to be single forever - this all happened a year ago and I’m really struggling to trust others. I know I was stupid but the betrayal is huge.