Tips for OLD

[Liliesrus]

Finally bit the bullet and signed up.
feel dreadful swiping left, but getting used to it.
what not to do?
your successes
Finding it utterly bizarre.
so many bad photos!!

What site are you using OP? I was on hinge and found that the majority of guys were pretty nice and normal, but I know people who have (unfortunately) had to have these sort of conversations but they're typically on sites like Tinder. Hope your luck improves but as you've quite rightly said, taking it with a pinch of salt is definitely the best way to be!

Oh yes me and my friends have plenty of great (if that’s the right word) stories about dreadful dates and we share the worst messages we’ve had 🤣

Im in my 50’s so it’s possibly an age thing but the pickings out there are slimmer than Victoria Beckham. Anyone meeting a good partner online has one the lottery - they’re that rare to to find

I must be one of the very few then!

I am a bit older than most on here I suspect, and met my partner online almost 3 years ago; I also had about 12 other dates, mostly with pleasant people, just not right for me. I know plenty of younger people who met their partners on dating apps - this is their normal!

I agree with most of the advice above except the bit about not messaging first - I've definitely done that with absolutely zero problems.

One thing I used to do was to speak on the phone before meeting - a couple of potential dates were noticeably slurring at about 7pm so they were quickly binned off!! Also one guy who was apparently 60 from Sussex was - from his voice - in his 20s and a completely different nationality... some sort of scam going on there I think.

Definitely don't get too carried away by lovely messages and chats - wait till you've met someone at least a couple of times before you allow yourself to feel hopeful!!

Good luck

Meet quickly. A week if possible. You don't want to be gassing on to a stranger indefinitely. It's very time consuming

Do not engage imagination. No feelings for anyone you haven't met or barely know

One phone call before meeting, so you know who they are and that you can hold a conversation (once I filtered out an enthusiastic racist this way). Some men love blethering on every night then never meet so don't waste your time on more than one call.

Don't entertain any sex talk in early chats. You're not a prude, don't doubt yourself, you know exactly how shagging works. It's not a good sign if they do this, particularly before meeting. If it's mild, and you suspect it's a misguided attempt at flirting don't banter along, say something good humoured but clear like 'not on a first date, Barry!'. If he realises his mistake, ok. If he persists, put him in the same category as Old Farmer Bumsex and block.

Flakiness or being late early doors has never boded well for me unless a broken down train or something. If it's just 'sorreee running late from work!' I'd probably give them 15 and leave these days.

Generally I think you can tell whether you'll get on as people by the chat, I'm not really in the 'give him a chance' camp if the chat is dry and you're not sure if someone is for you just because they look right 'on paper'. My DP, maybes and good dates have always had interesting and engaging conversation. The 'hi how's work' ones, nothing has ever come of.

Take breaks. It can become tedious

It's ok to say yes to a second date if put on the spot, you don't need to turn someone down to their face (also fine to do so) but put them straight later, don't ghost.

Absolutely not a moral point, do as you please. However, I'd say nothing was ever harmed by waiting a couple of dates for sex when meeting, as strangers online especially. It can be very easy come easy go with no context (pre meeting chat doesn't count for much) and I think there's value in building up the anticipation a bit.

Just keep your standards high and expectations low.

That's all really good advice ⬆️

Oh and I'd say decide your travel limits and stick to them. Keep it quite tight

@Catandsquirrel has more great advice!!

This is so true Don't entertain any sex talk in early chats. You're not a prude, don't doubt yourself,

Don't match with anyone who has BDSM or ethically monogamous in their bio. Even if you are into that.

There are special sites for those and if they can't match on them, there is obviously something seriously wrong with them.

I'm just reiterating any message that contains innuendos or sex chat or asks for pictures just delete immediately.

My favourite app is/was Tinder, because only people I matched with could contact me, and is far more popular than Hinge and Bumble. Although to be honest you will see the same faces on all of them.

I don't mind if someone initiates a conversation with just "Hi" as it must be so disheartening to send a nice interesting message and have it just ignored.

Well wanker boy is still on POF so it’s not working that well for him I’d say.

He actually messaged me after I hung up saying he thinks we got cut off - WTAF???

And btw he’s 54

I’d also say be wary of anyone only posting 1 photo.

Any man calling you dear is probably a scammer

It’s difficult until you meet to know but be aware a lot of men lie about their age and height. I’ve arrived to meet a man and he’s at least 3/4 inches shorter and several years older than he claims.

So much good advice already. Here are my top tips.

Remember these are TOTAL strangers.

Be hard-headed, remember these are strangers and could be complete wankers with a wife. They could also be really nice, decent, genuine people but they need to show you that.

Time is your friend.

Do not think that some messages mean you have any kind of connection.

Meet people quickly.

Meet for a coffee or a drink, never a meal. Do not invest your time in strangers.

Actions speak clearly. Let people show you who they are. Don't ever believe words.

Avoid anyone who has a long list of negatives in their profile, i.e "I don't date people with tattoos, people with fillers, people with more than 1 brain cell, blah, blah, blah." These are not happy people.

Do whatever due diligence you can behind the scenes. Ignore anyone who says this makes you a psychopath stalker. No, it doesn't. Companies don't invest in a business proposition without checking out the proposition very carefully. You do whatever you can to find out about someone you meet. Dig deep on the internet to see what you can find. This is how you stay safe.

Invest in yourself behind the scenes. Do stuff for you. No other human can fix you or make you happy and vice versa. We have to be content with ourselves to offer any kind of prospect to anyone else.

I probably should have said I did OLD on and off for 14 years. I made all the mistakes that you possibly can and more! I doubt I could have been a bigger fool about it when I first started.

The most important thing I did was work on myself, get some counselling, stopped searching for 'Mr Right' and started seeing OLD as a bit of a pastime. I put into practice all the advice I've given above and I've been with my partner, who I met on OLD for just over 3 years. I would say that the most important thing is probably your own mindset. Good luck @Liliesrus

I made rules when I started OLD - existing activities- exercise and evening classes - and friends come first. They are not cancelled in favour of a date. Friends and hobbies will last longer than most men on OLD.

Most men don't read profiles, but should realise women do. The ones who do read them tend to be better dates IME, so it's a useful filter. I swipe no on the ones who can't be arsed to fill in even the barest details, or put "no one reads this just ask," or similar.

You have to decide what you want. Sex is important to me, so I like it to happen early on, as I don't want to get emotionally invested in someone who is shit in bed. But lots of people hold off - that's fine too. Just know what works for you and don't feel pressured into anything.

I know lots of people say OLD is the pits, but I've had fun. I've had some lovely dates, even if some of them were clear there wasn't a spark. Still chat to a couple, mostly about work. (There are a lot of men in IT.) Have had a few flings, one not-very-serious relationship and one where he is very important to me, and fingers crossed. I've also had some bad ones, including being stood up on my very first date, but I can just laugh about it.

Don't take it too seriously, do take breaks if it's pissing you off. There are decent blokes on there, but there's an awful lot of shit ones. (And what is with the crap photos? It's not like you have to take the film into Boots and wait a week these days - just take another that's better positioned, in focus, not in front of an unmade bed or toilet...)

I’ve just found the guy who’s been sending me songs about dreaming of me. On Instagram, he’s a Mormon influencer. That is, it’s not him at all.
why all this effort for someone you obviously have no intention of ever meeting, cos you’ve shown completely fake photos????
so do I just block him or tell him I’ve caught him out?!

@Liliesrus you've been catfished, block! (and report if you're still matched in the app)

This is the 4th one I’ve caught out and reported!

Go in with the intention of fun nothing else
never chase
give yourself space from the apps and take breaks
know what your looking for physically and emotionally
have boundaries in place for what you will or won’t tolerate
Don’t let men rush you
I have had plenty of first dates some disappointing some great.
After 12 first dates I found connection/spark with one still going on dates and getting to know each other gradually
fun dates/activity types are probably my favourite than a chat over a coffee
always suss them out before meeting, call etc

@Liliesrus 4th?! Where do you find them 🤣

Video calls are good before a date

They’ve been too handsome, so I reverse image searched them and found they’d stolen the photos

I've not OLD'd yet, but of the folks I know, if the couples haven't been together for like 20 odd yrs or more, then the vast majority all met OLD.

2 good mates are 10 years in & one with 2 kids in & another 3 kids in respectively, at work of the 8 staff, mix of ages 25-50 of them 5 met partners OLD, in another social group it's similar I know of at least 4 who met OLD.

Actually thinking about it I don't know many folks who are 40+ & have a newer, so say sub 5 yr relationship & who didn't actually meet OLD.

I actually disagree. Sometimes it's hard to judge someone based on their profile, how they are in messages. I've met people who were great in messages and awful in real life and vice versa.

I also prefer something like coffee for the first date just to meet them and make sure they're normal with no pressure. I've been on longer first dates where men have insisted on paying for dinner, drinks etc. Then the men have taken the hump about spending the better part of £100 when I say i don't want to meet again.

I find that really interesting.

I've just remembered that I know of a 59 year old man who met his girlfriend of one year online.

I'm 50 and my partner is 60. We've been together for 3 years and met irl at a hobby. Both of us met our previous partners in real life too (within the last 10 years). Thinking of people I know who got together in the past 5-10 years who are over 40, no one else met online. They all met through hobbies, mutual friends or work.

My 26yo son has met all of his girlfriends irl and my 18yo daughter has no interest in dating apps.

How does reverse image search work, does it need to be that exact pictures or does it also look for likeness of the person?

I've just run a reverse image search on myself using pictures not published online and nothing useful comes up - apart from hairdressing pictures of strangers! 😃

i count 5 of my very close circle have successful relationships which started. Online.now early 50’s in the last 10-18 years

anyway, he’s blocked now, I did confront him briefly.
”I’m not fake, I can’t believe you say fake”
so I posted the pic of the instagrammer. Then silence

It’s a bit hit and miss
think it’s an exact picture
I tried a few of his, but only one showed up