When the spark dies can it ever come back?

[hazelnutty]

I really love my dp, he is the greatest boyfriend to me and dad to DD I could ever have imagined. We have been together for seven years and got engaged just before I got pg.

However...

Our sex life has slowed to a complete standstill and I just don't find him physically attractive at the moment, and I'm sure the feeling is mutual. I am feeling very despondent about it and am looking for any advice on how to get things going again...

There are a combination of factors going on..

1. He didn't want to have sex whilst I was pg because he was worried about harming baby, I did, but I had to accept it in the end, so by the time she was born we were already 9 months out of practice.

2. I used to be very slim and feel quite confident about my looks but I not only am a stone and a half heavier now, but also feel very aged by the whole thing, probably the tiredness too, and breastfeeding (which I love) just makes me feel all droopy and leaky when it comes to being a girlfriend rather than a mum.

3. Since DD was born my DP has put on loads of weight, and I know it is very shallow of me, but I just do not find him good looking with a floppy paunch and a big double chin (I have always had a paranoia of having a fat partner as my dad is enormous and his dieting neuroses dominated my childhood).

4. DD is still in our room at 6 months and she has a sixth sense about when would be the most inconvenient time to wake up. The few times we have had sex in there when she has been asleep I have felt very uncomfortable indeed. We can't move her out at the moment because we don't have another room and we can't go for a quickie in the sitting room because we live with about 8 other people in a big family house.

5. Recently, and for the first time in my life, I have found myself trying to think of ways to get round the possibility of having sex when we go to bed, and secretly hoping that DP is asleep by the time I get into bed. I never used to feel like this and we used to have sex a lot for the first six years of the relationship.

He came back from the gym on his way to work this morning and said his shirt was too tight and I said, 'well, you are really quite fat compared to before', and he said 'I feel really demoralised now' and went off to work with his tail between his legs. How much of a cow am I? I don't know why I say horrible things like this when it obviously just makes the situation much worse, I think it's because I feel crap about myself I take it out on him, which is of course very wrong (and he NEVER says anything critical to me about my appearance)....

Sorry for long post, but any advice? Will the spark ever come back?

am amazed you have sex at all with 6 month old baby and a house full of relatives! It took ages (easily a year ) for us to get the spark back, have the energy, not feel bad about flabby tummy and milky tits etc etc. Can anyone babysit and let you have an evening out?

Is there anyone who could take DD for the night so that you could have the bedroom to yourselves?

If you can't get out during the day due to no childminder, then invest in an exercise DVD and pop it on when it's nap time for DD, that way you'll be working on your own body hang ups and will regain your confidence.

As for putting DP down.. next time you think of his appearance negatively, or actually say something negative, think of the effect it would have on you hearing DP say those things to you. Focus on the positive, at least he is going to the gym and making some form of effort. Keep his morale up, not only will it push him forward in terms of getting rid of his belly and chin, but it will make him feel wanted and supported by you, which can only do your relationship good.

I can identify with this. I am only just feeling like sex now and baby no 2 is almost 3 !
I think breastfeeding does not help the libido - I fed both of mine for a year and it took another year to feel 'back to normal' (whatever that is after a baby)
Me and my dh hope things get more fun again before we retire......

I have a 5 month DD and we aren't having sex very often. In fact we tried after about 3 weeks and then did it very weeks or 2 for a while and then everything stopped for over 2 months. We had quite nice sex on the weekend but its definately different. I feel different flabby tum, leaky boobs, dry . It doesn't help that I feel tense and it hurts because I can't relax. I think its all normal but it is difficult. I want another DC soonish and can't imagine TTC at the moment.
Funnily enough I am more in love with DH than ever but hope I don't completely get out of touch with him.

I realise this doesn't help you but at least you know others are feeing a little sparkless as well.

Sorry you're feeling like this. I'd say don't get too hung up on the sex part of your relationship for now. Yes, it's important, but you need to feel good about yourselves and each other first and foremost. So, instead of beating yourself up about what was said this morning, think about how you can make him feel special when he gets home tonight. Make him a cuppa, make him his favourite tea, have candles on the tea table, write him an "i love you card" - whatever would work for you. In the early days, especially pre children, you don't have to work so hard at a relationship. The spark is just there. But it takes work to keep it going when the mundane elements of family life and tiredness take over.

Bump- want to know what others think