Have I ruined things?

[Tippletop]

Long story made short is I had a toxic relationship with a man for a year, we broke up over a year ago, he was possessive and controlling and filled me with anxiety but I really loved him at the time.
i then met a new man who was the opposite of this ex, kind and caring but a bit boring (that sounds awful writing it down) and I worried about our emotional connection. I don’t think I was used to having a stable secure relationship. I ended it with this man after 6 months.
once my first ex heard I was again single he came back with lavish gifts and promises of all the changes he has made. I was sceptical initially but we got into a bit of a love bombing scenario which is what he had done before. We ended up spending a few nights together but I called if off.
anyway man number 2 has been on my mind, I think I ended things too hastily and just wasn’t ready for the relationship after being in such a toxic one. I would love to try to reconcile with him but I know he will be so upset about my ‘fling’ with my first ex, he knows how bad he was to me and he was return to interfere in our relationship too. I wish I had never done it.
do you think I’ve totally ruined it? Or just be honest? If I’m totally honest with myself, my first ex just got his claws back into it and was very persistent. My feelings never came back for him thankfully but he just wouldn’t stop calling at my house etc

How would you feel if the shoe was on the other foot? Youre not allowed to toy with people’s emotions OP! Leave that man alone to meet someone else who will appreciate him as boring as he is.

Fair.
I haven’t been in a great headspace to be honest, he wasn’t perfect but I did take him for granted

Yes you've ruined it. Leave him alone. He's not there for you to pick up and make yourself feel better now you've realised he was a better option.

You’re not perfect either OP. No one is. Just leave this imperfect man alone please and get yourself right.

Well you can always ask. But if you found him boring then, why wouldn't you now?

Unfortunately, many women do seem to prefer the excitement of what they perceive to be the Alpha male, presumably all to do with instinctual biology on a primeval level. Obviously, not everyone of course!
Safe is often associated with boring.

If he was boring why go back? Believe me he will not get anymore interesting

I think best to move on from both exes. Neither worked out for good reason and you're better not rewriting history. You didn't 'ruin' anything. You didn't want him. Leave him be and be alone for a while until someone more fitting comes along. You going back to him could be framed as his ex getting his claws in him again, couldn't it? When you inevitably end things with him again because he's not right for you. And adding your toxic ex into the mix is only going to do his head in. Ditch that drama and move forward.

Neither are right for you. Safe and normal does not have to be boring. Exciting and fun does not have to be toxic. Keep looking, work on your boundaries.

have been in the toxic situation and tbh i'd say you need some time to be yourself, by yourself.
"we are who we are when no-one's watching" as said by the great philosopher that is jimmy carr (seriously)

I think it sounds like you need to be single for a while and just work on being happy for you.

It’s pretty normal when you’re single and want to be in a relationship to think back to previous partners and romanticise what it was like. At the end of the day, you ended it and if he was the one for you then it would have worked out back then.

I would say don’t be too harsh to yourself for dating the second man, you obviously didn’t deliberately set out to hurt him but I think onward and upward and fully healing from your first ex would be the best decision you could make right now for yourself.

Yes, I would reach out - see where that leads. Maybe you thought boring at the time but maybe thats changed. We all make mistakes.

Maybe it will work, maybe it wont, maybe he will just blank you. But maybe he is missing you and you will never know. You didnt toy with him, you got sidetracked and while not ideal it does happen (happened to me this year, she tempted by ex but I would have her back in a heartbeat despite that).