How to be tolerant?

[rosiethenplease]

I am so intolerant. I am introverted and I hate people bothering me. I guess I need to become more tolerant,

I struggle with my old neighbours, they are louder than I'd like and in my opinion inconsiderate, but DH claims they aren't bad neighbours.

How to be more tolerant of other people?! What do you do that works?

Hopeful bump

Think about the reasons why they may be doing what they're doing that annoys you, and try to have empathy for them. Someone bumps past you in a shop? Maybe they've suffered a loss and they're not really with it today. Someone doesn't make space for you on the pavement? Maybe they're really worried about how they're going to pay the bills this month and they're just distracted. Neighbours are really loud? Maybe they're a bit deaf and have no intention of being thoughtless. Etc.

Thanks that's some useful advice.

Try and see the best in people and give the benefit of the doubt.

For example, your neighbours are louder than you’d like but are they actually being inconsiderate or do they just have children (who are difficult to keep quiet all the time)? Or are they simply using their home (toilet flushing, dishwasher running etc) without realising that the acoustics of the houses are amplifying that for you? Have you politely mentioned specific things that are loud to give them a chance to be mortified and stop doing them?

As to being annoyed when people “bother” you, I don’t think I understand what you mean? Obviously your introversion is not something others can see so maybe come up with some polite but clear responses for when people try and make small talk with you in public places or when friends text or call to chat and you don’t have the capacity to deal with it in that moment?

Well done for your self awareness and wanting to become more tolerant though, that’s a super positive first step!

Have you considered how you may inadvertently annoy others? Could your neighbours have cause to complain? Then reflect on why you are so annoying and you will realise what a pp was saying above about people not going out of their way to annoy you and it just being a symptom of living in society!!!

One technique I learnt is shifting perspectives. When your neighbours are loud, you may subconsciously generalise this individual flaw into their overall character eg. they are inconsiderate, which is why you get annoyed. What you may try is to meet them and know them more, so you can see them holistically eg. They may be loud, but they are also good parents, maintain a nice garden, concerned with the tidiness of the neighborhood etc. You will be able to tolerate people more if you like them.

... Of course, there is also a chance you will discover they are indeed cows, just like my neighbours. But even in that case, I still felt much better because I no longer feel guilty when I raise my voice to object to their bad behaviours.

I have an example of @Octonaut4Life advice above.

my friend was diagnosed with cancer in her 30s and we went shopping as a treat before she went in for major surgery. As we were walking through a shop, she got slightly in the way of a woman and this woman huffed and made eye-rolls to her friend.

She may have been having a bad day or had a million other things going on, but her quick temper and ability to have been so visibly irritated by a 3 second delay to her day was just so unnecessary. We just let it go by thinking ‘well, she has no idea what we’re dealing with I suppose we have no idea what she’s dealing with.’

Years ago i read seven habits of very successful people.

The author talked about being on a subway station and three children running around making nuisance of themselves. He approached the father and pointed out the children were being a nuisance and he was just sat there, doing nothing. The man replied that their mother had just died in hospital and he was trying to find the words to tell them.

That story has stuck with me for years and years. To me it was a lesson in giving folk the benefit of the doubt. Their appearance may suggest one thing, their emotional state may explain their behaviour in very different lights.

I think I get what you mean by bothered. I'm a bit of an introvert and if I'm concentrating on something, in my own or head or whatever, and someone wants to talk to me it's the MOST irritating thing to me. Takes all my strength to not growl at them.

But I know this is MY issue, if they're being polite about talking to me and not just interrupting to be rude then I just have to take a breath and a beat to respond.

Deep breaths and like others have said see the nice in people, and own the responsibility that it isn't up to others to tip toe round us

Thanks everyone that's some really useful advice. And @Okigen thanks for taking the time to write that. It is very good advice and it is totally true to what I've been feeling.

I decided not long after we moved in that I didn't really love them, the thing is they are very nice people and want to help anyone (so that makes me sound awful), but they are a little bit unaware (and set in their ways) with the way they live their lives.
But I seem to focus purely on them being inconsiderate (I'm my opinion anyway) and I guess I forget they're actually people who are living lives and I am just another person living my life. I lose perspective a little and get hooked on when someone irritates me.

Also as a PP has said I need to appreciate why they're doing what they're doing, it's not to annoy me, they're just going about their day.

look at the spaces you could go to reenergise. If you’re an introvert who is starting to run on empty and come home to any noise you will hate it. It does not mean your neighbours are doing anything wrong but introverts give out their energy and resilience when they interact with others whereas extroverts gain energy and resilience by interacting with others. My neighbours are raving extroverts who love hosting friends and family. I know they damp all the noise down at 9.30pm and it’s quiet in the morning till lunchtime. BLISS. If it’s getting a bit loud I head off for a walk or go somewhere I love that is quiet to recharge.

My neighbours know I am a deep introvert so let me know if they are having any work done or a noisy gathering so I can choose what I would prefer to do.

Get creative and think how you could decompress before heading home or what you could do once at home that boosts your get up and go so you can cope.

I think you need to be self aware and know your own bad habits and things you aren't so perfect at and accept others also are mostly just doing their best but are not perfect. Try and see the best and assume others have other things on their mind or things they are dealing with.

You don't suppose the father might have made it up to annoy a busybody? Or the author made the whole thing up?

@SeeSeeRider maybe both, maybe neither. But I've always thought I'd sooner treat 100 bad people well, than risk treating one good person badly.

You may think that delusional, but in my life, I've come across more people who wanted to do good than those who wanted to do bad. I always recognises, or try to, bad actors in a situation. But I always give the benefit of the doubt.

I must say, I totally agree. I always say 'it costs the same to be nice as it does to be nasty, and it makes you feel better'.

Could it be a self esteem issue?

No judgement, I also sometimes suffer low self esteem myself.

But it can lead to patterns of thought where you sometimes see yourself as hard done by, as a victim of, for example, others lack of consideration. Where people "should" be treating you better. Which can be distressing.

But the reality can be that, as you say, they are just living their lives, and not really thinking about you, to a perfectly normal degree.

Working on self esteem - if this is something that would help here - would also have many other benefits too.

I tend to let everything go unless it crosses my boundaries and then I either remove myself or say politely 'Would you mind very much if....?