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Original poster

Partners Ex Being Spiteful

27 replies

VixSponge · 30/07/2024 14:53

Hello Ladies and Gents,

Im looking for some advice. My partner and his ex are on less than speaking terms and recently my partner has started to become ill through stress which is affecting him both mentally and physically he is working two jobs just to make ends meet paying without fail his ex each month (rightly so) to pay for his children. He has them five days every two weeks which was agreed between them. Recently his ex has been speaking with a mediator but wont disclose to him what about? She has also requested a divorce and has gathered all the information from him but is refusing to show proof that she has actually put in the application? She has a new partner and has moved on so it very confusing. Last year they arranged for him to not have the kids this weekend as we had planned and prepaid for something but today she has said that she was not willing to have the children and he is now unable to go. There is no court order and as said this had been prearranged (a year ago)

What advice do you have he really needed this weekend to recharge and see his friends and now he wont be able to go. It seems quite spiteful on her part.

OP posts:
PurpleBugz · 30/07/2024 17:16

If he had a years notice could he not have arranged a babysitter? I expect the ex just forgot and has plans herself- did he remind her?

Original poster
VixSponge · 30/07/2024 17:18

Yes he did and Im sure that she wouldnt allow her children to stay with a baby sitter... His parents are his only close by family and his mum is scheduled to have an operation this weekend so would be unable to step in.

OP posts:
EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 30/07/2024 17:49

Assuming your partner has PR, it's his choice to arrange a babysitter during his contact time. She can do fuck all about it.

DWK123 · 30/07/2024 19:40

She might be bluffing but he needs to stop sharing info with her.

Unfortunately there's no easy options here. He could go down the more formal route of court etc but then he definitely wouldn't get flexibility.

You probably just need to let this one go and plan accordingly in future.

Emmz1510 · 03/08/2024 09:51

She may well be being spiteful, but ultimately it’s his responsibility to arrange childcare if he needs it on his time. Whether she wants them to be with a babysitter or not is irrelevant.

TinyFlamingo · 03/08/2024 10:49

There are three things.
If she's spoken to a mediatior (if) she could have changed her mind as she didn't hear what she wanted, she could to the MIAM and mediator doesn't believe mediation is appropriate and sign off straight to court, or can go ahead the mediator would be the one to contact ex.

But, if this is going round in circles why doesn't BF go to a mediatior and invite her?
Stop her being in control and face it? By taking some control, the stress will come down as he won't feel so in limbo.

He gets to decide who looks after children in his care, irregardless of ex's wishes, irregardless of a cao or not. Can you not look after the kids while he has his weekend away? If he's that bad and needs the break I'd offer at least and mean it (unless you're away too).

I think both would benefit from a mediator and agree a parenting (co-parenting) plan and for his ex to hear some truths from a mediator that he can use as boundaries for himself with her at the very least.

Separation is so stressful, emotional, exhausting for all involved. Sorry he's struggling. I'm sure she is too and none of this is ultimately helping the children. Sounds like he's involved which is a great thing.

We parents don't usually get breaks! I did a full time job, parented and divorce so 3 FT jobs it's was so so hard and I definitely had wobbles but it's better the other side with things settled and clarity. The nonsense doesn't stop, but it does rachet down with time. I things get easier with time.

Sinderalla · 03/08/2024 10:54

If she takes them for him he will need to do the same for her.
Or find a child minder which I'm sure she has to do on his week off.

Sinderalla · 03/08/2024 10:55

To be fair if it's not court ordered that he take them, he doesn't have to!!

Waitformetoarrive · 03/08/2024 13:19

There is nothing he can do if this is the weekend he is due to have his children and the mother can’t or won’t have them. Unfortunately, things don’t always go the way you want when children are involved, it is part and parcel of being a parent. For all you know the mum might need to recharge and see mates.

NannyDawn · 03/08/2024 13:35

Is it her or the new partner she s moved in with pulling the strings

Bargainacious · 03/08/2024 13:38

If it’s not Court ordered, your partner can remind her of their previous agreement and simply refuse to take them and there’s not a lot she can do. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Mumoftwins78 · 03/08/2024 13:44

Waitformetoarrive · 03/08/2024 13:19

There is nothing he can do if this is the weekend he is due to have his children and the mother can’t or won’t have them. Unfortunately, things don’t always go the way you want when children are involved, it is part and parcel of being a parent. For all you know the mum might need to recharge and see mates.

Actually yes there is. There is no written agreement for when he has the kids and they agreed a year ago that he wouldn't have them this weekend as he's going away so she's went back on the agreement

Meadowfinch · 03/08/2024 13:46

'he really needed this weekend to recharge and see his friends and now he wont be able to go'

Oh please !! Really !!

As a single mum, I've looked after my ds from 2 to 16 without any family help, 345 nights a year. I've worked full time all the way through and dealt with a breast cancer diagnosis along the way, plus surgery, chemo, radiotherapy etc. I've never once not parented my child.

You're telling me he's a grown man and he can't find the energy to look after his own children for a weekend. It's a minor irritation, that's all.

Bumcake · 03/08/2024 13:51

Meadowfinch · 03/08/2024 13:46

'he really needed this weekend to recharge and see his friends and now he wont be able to go'

Oh please !! Really !!

As a single mum, I've looked after my ds from 2 to 16 without any family help, 345 nights a year. I've worked full time all the way through and dealt with a breast cancer diagnosis along the way, plus surgery, chemo, radiotherapy etc. I've never once not parented my child.

You're telling me he's a grown man and he can't find the energy to look after his own children for a weekend. It's a minor irritation, that's all.

Edited

Just because you have it tough that means we all should?

it’s not a minor irritation have have some maliciously mess with your plans and spoil a weekend away for no good reason.

RoachFish · 03/08/2024 13:51

He only has his kids 1/3 of the time, can’t he just recharge on any of the other 20 days a month he’s childfree and not precisely when he’s due to have his kids?

Also, why didn’t he initiate the divorce ages ago? I assume they have been separated more than a year now. He also need to get the contact time in writing.

Meadowfinch · 03/08/2024 13:54

@Bumcake the poor lamb has his children a whole 5 days in every 14 and he 'really needs a break' 🙄

I'm not saying it isn't annoying, but it's hardly nervous breakdown territory is it?

Waitformetoarrive · 03/08/2024 13:55

RoachFish · 03/08/2024 13:51

He only has his kids 1/3 of the time, can’t he just recharge on any of the other 20 days a month he’s childfree and not precisely when he’s due to have his kids?

Also, why didn’t he initiate the divorce ages ago? I assume they have been separated more than a year now. He also need to get the contact time in writing.

Exactly! It is always the mums fault, how dare she live a life which does not revolve around the kids dad and his recharging time.

Nanny0gg · 03/08/2024 14:28

Meadowfinch · 03/08/2024 13:54

@Bumcake the poor lamb has his children a whole 5 days in every 14 and he 'really needs a break' 🙄

I'm not saying it isn't annoying, but it's hardly nervous breakdown territory is it?

You don't know any other circumstances

Clearly you've not had it easy but that's no reason to expect/wish everyone else to be in the same position

Getonwitit · 03/08/2024 14:46

Next time the mum wants to change dates because she has plans just say no.

Dinkydo12 · 03/08/2024 14:56

Your partner needs to take control. He should see a solicitor regarding a divorce which in turn would arrange for mediation regarding the children. Would just tell her he is not having the children as she was aware of his pre booked break. She cannot force him to have them so I don't see the problem.

Coldfinch · 03/08/2024 15:08

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 30/07/2024 17:49

Assuming your partner has PR, it's his choice to arrange a babysitter during his contact time. She can do fuck all about it.

As PP said. His time, his choice of care. His ex can’t do anything about it.

Noseybookworm · 03/08/2024 15:10

If your partner and his ex are not on speaking terms, he is foolish to rely on her good will to have the children so he can have a weekend away. It sounds like it would be a good idea for them to formalise their childcare arrangements through the courts and then there will be no ambiguity. Unfortunately having children means we sometimes have to cancel plans when they are ill or childcare falls through. That's life and that's being a parent. Hopefully he will have a lovely weekend with his children anyway!

Mrsgus · 03/08/2024 16:59

As it was pre-arranged and agreed by the ex, I would simply say he isn't having them as he is going away. As soon as you are back he should then be contacting a solicitor and sorting out the divorce himself!!

Boomer55 · 03/08/2024 17:03

Ex’s, either sex, can be full of spite and bile. If he’s not arranged for the children this weekend, then she needs to sort it out.🤷‍♀️

bongers49 · 03/08/2024 22:37

I disagree with people saying he should have hired a babysitter. They had agreed she would have the kids, and he reminded her. She left him in the lurch. She is being very short-sighted as one day she might need him to step in to have the kids for some extra time, and she may find he is less than accommodating as a result. You have to be grown-up about sharing parental responsibility and a bit of flexibility on both sides is needed