New Relationship

[Elylife]

I'm in a new relationship. We've only been together three months. This is my first relationship after a divorce.
I'm finding that I'm just so insecure. He is away for a few days and hasnt replied to a message i sent yesterday, which the locical me is fine with, but the anxious, insecure part of me is worried sick that he doesn't like me!?
If I don't hear from him, or if he's busy I just can't seem to handle it.

I have such a busy, full, happy life so I know in my head that if this relationship ends, I'll be fine.
But the anxiety I feel around being dumped, him rejecting me is real.

I'm trying to keep telling myself that I'm a catch, I don't need him, I'll be fine without him - just relax. But the anxiety and worry keep coming back.
Has anyone else experienced this?

It's understandable & your feelings are valid.

Maybe though, you aren't quite ready to date again.... divorce knocks the socks off people despite who instigated it.

Thank you.
I agree that my anxiety will and probably is starting to scare him off.
Do you think it's a case of 'fake it till you make it'
And just try to not let on how I feel?

Having to repeatedly tell yourself that you're a catch means you don't actually believe it, doesn't it? I mean, your head knows it, but your heart is the bit with the insecurity.

I have been here but You have to watch it, you’ll scare him off as it’s a new relationship. Keep telling yourself you’re a catch, don’t check your phone for his texts and try not to double text. Hes away for work, so his routine has most probably changed.
let him miss you!

Part of me wants to text him and say - what's happening here, it's not ok to ignore me.
But another part understands that's he's away with his kids and will probably see it as me being a nag!?

I agree - 24hrs is rather long, no one is that busy unless they are going through some sort of crisis/emergency or are lazy. Don’t get too attached to this one.

He hasn't replied to your text in 24 hours? Three months in?

Sorry but that's a bit shit. Has he had his hands chopped off??

He's not a great texter but is usually better than this.
He's been rubbish while away. But texting him again will just send a message that I'm anxious I think, which is really off putting.
I'm struggling a lot with this and not sure why.

How long were you single between your divorce and the guy? It does take a long time for most people to be ready to date seriously again so it may just be that bit too soon

You don't want him to know the real you, then, because she's 'off putting'. However many times you tell yourself you're a catch, this is the belief that's holding you back.

What about looking at how his behaviour makes you feel, rather than judging and silencing yourself? Is his poor communication not 'off putting'?

Easier said than done but try to do something else and not focus on him. He's away with his kids so it is absolutely possible he has been distracted and just forgotten. 24 hours isn't a huge issue, it's only been 3 months.

Take a deep breath. Remind yourself he isn't the centre of the universe. The world won't end if he doesn't reply until tomorrow. Stressing and getting anxious about it will only make YOU feel worse. Never mind worrying it will scare him off if you mention it etc, this isn't making you feel good. Do something that does, that doesn't involve a man. Be kind to yourself.

Hes away with his kids. He’s concentrating on them. He’s busy.

Bottle your anxiety and keep busy.

There’s enough posts on here in “Relationships ” to help you and give you insight into men’s behaviour.

Don’t be clingy but brace yourself just in case it’s a negative outcome. I’m sure it’ll turn out well. Stay strong. It’s early days in your relationship.

Talking about how you feel is an essential part of every healthy relationship.
If you're feeling insecure and having to hide it from him not to scare him off, then he has no business being your boyfriend anyway.

I'm not saying it's his problem to solve. But being there for you while YOU try to work through your insecurity isn't really too much to ask. It's the bare minimum actually.
Pretending to be someone you're not for the sake of holding on to a relationship is a terrible idea.
If you talk to him about what's being triggered in this relationship and instead of being concerned and empathising with you he tells you you're a nag, then run the other way!

I do agree with others. It was probably too soon for you to start dating. Have you had any counseling yet?

To be honest, your insecurities aside, not replying to a message in 24 hours is pretty rubbish. This is early days, he should be showing you what a catch HE is, this is the best of what you will get. If a guy is into you, he will show it and the fact he hasnt messaged in 24 hours speaks volumes. No matter how busy he is with his kids, it takes 10 seconds to send a quick message saying hi darling, hope you're ok, be safe.

When my long marriage ended I so craved normality of a relationship I jumped into one after about four months.....I was nowhere near ready and it was an utter disaster. I would just concentrate on you for now, rather than bringing a relationship into the mix.

He's away with his kids, so he's probably busy. But he could likely manage at least one text a day to check in. Having said that, various members of my family have a penchant for going camping (and just living) in places with rubbish/no signal, so if he's gone somewhere remote, (or old buildings with thick stone walls,) it could be that.

It's the not knowing that's tricky. If he'd said, " I won't be able to message daily," or "signal here is rubbish," or something like that, you'd know why you weren't getting much contact. I don't know how you fix the insecurity though. Counselling, I guess, and maybe a discussion about managing expectations in future.

I think you need to have a discussion around expectations for communication/keeping in touch with anyone you are in a relationship with. So perhaps raise it gently when he is back and express it as a need for you to keep in touch even if it is a very brief message/only once a day. Then wait and see if your needs are met. My personal experience is that this is where a lot of post divorce/relationshios fail when one person is so subsumed in the other part of his life eg kids/family that there is no space for a relationship on the terms the other partner needs to feel secure. Counselling would also help but not if your communication needs are not being met.

I always feel everyone has at least 1-2 mins to text in a 24 hour period. First thing in the morning, right before bed, sitting on the toilet. At one point I was working 60+ hours a week and always had a few mins for a quick chat or a couple of texts. Of course if I don't like someone like that then I wont make the time to reply because they aren't a priority.

I'd let this incident slide by but would keep my radar up for any other signs

Bottle your anxiety and keep busy

'Bottle your feelings' is never going to be healthy advice, in any relationship.

Rightly or wrongly, I think I'll message and tell him that I'd like more communication. If that puts him off, then I can't help that. I do want more communication.
I don't think a quick message everyday is a lot to ask.
My only concern is that I need to ask. I'd usually think that men make more effort when they like someone.
I'm just not sure if he's stringing me along or if he's just a bit rubbish.

I also think I need to work on my insecurity though.
But maybe being more direct about my feelings is part of that. I've always been scared to say what I want for fear of upsetting people.
Being more direct feels better as at least I'll have an answer

You could get rid of anxiety by getting it in first and ending it. ' Not a great texter' should be put in the 'not good enough' category. So are you really all that anxious usually, or maybe he's making you that way.
Being bad at texting is only allowable if they prefer to ring, or maybe email instead. I don't see that he does that either, so he's plain lazy with communication as it's not a priority for him. Stop trying to be 'the cool GF' it leads to cognative dissonance - which is what I'd say you have.
Don't text him, see if he bothers the whole time he's away. Block and move on when he gets back, it sends a clear message that you know your worth.