Hi all, this is my first post (although I’ve lurked for a while 😊), and could do with some other views on this. One of my best friends has got herself a new bloke, which is great and I’m genuinely happy for her as she’s been on her own for a while. It’s a bit complex though as the bloke is about 25 years younger and she met him through her daughter who had a relationship with the same chap some years ago, and after they recently met up again the daughter was keen to see if it would work again. However he decided he was interested in my friend. Very awkward. It all got very messy and after a party she and him got together in front of the family and so you can guess the outcome. Both her daughters refused to speak to her for a while and they were really upset at what they felt was a betrayal. My friend promised she wouldn’t see him again but after a few weeks when she and I had a spa night I asked her directly as I could tell there was something going on and she came clean and they’d never stopped seeing each other. I told her I wasn’t judging and that she had my support as long as he made her happy but said she needed to come clean with the family. Suffice to say she didn’t for over a year and kept seeing him. I suspect the illicitness made it more exciting. I kept saying it was better for her to manage the message than to be found out and eventually (and only cos they were going away for a week together) she told them. Basically the day before they went away.
Moving forwards now by 6months it’s out in the open which is great. BUT he hasn’t introduced her to his family even though they know about the relationship and I know it’s something which my friend finds difficult. She also hasn’t taken him to any family things of hers, although for the time being that’s maybe no bad thing. Also, she’s doing that thing that lots of folks do in a new relationship and has stopped seeing her friends much. She and I were also big travel buddies and did a lot of travel abroad 2-3 times a year as well as the odd spa night here and there. I’m married with adult kids so it’s not like I’m on my own, but I miss our friendship time together as now it’s almost impossible to pin her down and if I suggest something well in advance she’ll say that she’ll go but it’ll depend on what the chap wants to do. I do realise this is a bit of jealousy from me in that it’s impacting on things I want to do and that she wants to put time and energy into her new chap, but I can’t help feeling hurt about being almost dumped for a relationship that from the outside looks like it’s not going to have longevity. When we are doing stuff together she is either constantly messaging him or wandering off to leave him a voice note. It’s very very annoying. She is nearly 60 whereas he is early 30’s. She says she hasn’t actually asked his age but considering he’s a similar age to her daughter it’s not hard to guess. She says he hasn’t asked how old she is and she hasn’t told him. Age differences don’t really bother me as my brother and his wife have a lovely happy and successful marriage with a 20 year age gap, and my sister in law is lovely. I totally get how flattering it is to be pursued by a much younger man, and my friend has always been honest about her vanity (it’s something she’s very up front about) and I can see how she’s throwing herself into this relationship but I’m really worried about her, especially as he doesn’t seem to want to integrate her into his family. To me that seems like he’s not serious about her, or he’s worried what his family will say about him seeing someone the same age as his mum.
So, I finally get to my questions - how do I sensitively let her know how hurt I feel without sounding like a complete cow? Do I talk to her about my worries for her with the new chap ? I have tried this in the past but I don’t think she was in the right headspace.
sorry - reading this back it’s a bit of a rant !! 🙂