Family funeral help

poet93 · 2024-07-30T09:07:24+00:00

Hi I'm just after abit of advice/ reassurance. My Nan passed away 2 weeks ago. The funeral is now booked for the end of august. However on the lead up to booking the funeral I forgot to mention my husband is not available on a certain day as he's booked a non refundable trip for his friends 30th birthday. That date is now the funeral date. He has tried to see if it can be changed any way but it can't and I feel awful asking him to change it since I was the one who forgot in the first place.it’s also on the same day as the anniversary of his Grandad passing who he was very close to so was using this trip as a distraction. He's been so supportive of me since my Nan passing away and I know he will be on the lead up and after the funeral. So this makes me not be upset about him not being there. Plus I have my younger brother with me who has special needs who I know I will need to be a big support to on the day and that is my main role. I've already spoken to my parents about it they seem disappointed but I think they understand. Don’t really know what else to do to be honest

Dinoswearunderpants · 30/07/2024 10:08

Sorry for your loss but I'm not sure what your post is asking?

AnneLovesGilbert · 30/07/2024 10:09

You don’t need to do anything. I’m sorry your Nan died and glad DH has been supportive 💐

Girlmom35 · 30/07/2024 10:14

I'm sorry for your loss.
But you haven't really asked a question. What's the issue here?
Your husband is being loving and supportive. Plans have been made, they are what they are.

Original poster

poet93 · 30/07/2024 10:29

My parents just seemed disappointed when I told them and I’m just worried it’s going to cause some kind of fall out somewhere. I’m stuck in the middle of it and I’m just grieving so I think I just needed to voice how I’m feeling to people who aren’t involved (you guys). Sorry for not fully explaining

OP posts:

heldinadream · 30/07/2024 10:36

So it's too late to change the funeral date, which means your husband would rather not come. You are all right with that but you're worried that your parents will hold it against him. Is that it?
You need to explain to your parents that it's not that he's being disrespectful but that he needs the trip with his friends, and that he's upset too on that date because it's the anniversary of his own granddads death. Just tell them, clearly. If they continue to be in some way offended by it that's their problem really. But if it doesn't bother you just take his side. It doesn't have to be a big deal. Or it shouldn't be.
I'm very sorry for your loss. I'm sure you can smooth this out though, unless your parents are prone to be unreasonable people.

Girlmom35 · 30/07/2024 10:52

Is that the underlying problem then?
That your parents get too involved in your and your husbands business and argue with you when you don't do things their way?
Because to me that seems like their problem, not yours. They can have opinions all they want. If you're okay with your husband supporting you before and after, but missing the funeral, then your parents need to mind their own business.

Original poster

poet93 · 30/07/2024 10:54

heldinadream · 30/07/2024 10:36

So it's too late to change the funeral date, which means your husband would rather not come. You are all right with that but you're worried that your parents will hold it against him. Is that it?
You need to explain to your parents that it's not that he's being disrespectful but that he needs the trip with his friends, and that he's upset too on that date because it's the anniversary of his own granddads death. Just tell them, clearly. If they continue to be in some way offended by it that's their problem really. But if it doesn't bother you just take his side. It doesn't have to be a big deal. Or it shouldn't be.
I'm very sorry for your loss. I'm sure you can smooth this out though, unless your parents are prone to be unreasonable people.

Yeah that’s what’s going round in my head. I’m a massive overthinker anyway so when something like this happens I go into overdrive.
they aren’t normally unreasonable people so I think it may be the grief that’s heightening every emotion right now. I just needed to get everything I was thinking out of my head to people who aren’t involved in the situation so thank you for listening

OP posts:

Original poster

poet93 · 30/07/2024 10:57

Girlmom35 · 30/07/2024 10:52

Is that the underlying problem then?
That your parents get too involved in your and your husbands business and argue with you when you don't do things their way?
Because to me that seems like their problem, not yours. They can have opinions all they want. If you're okay with your husband supporting you before and after, but missing the funeral, then your parents need to mind their own business.

They aren’t normally involved like this so I feel like it’s the grief heightening their emotions. I think they probably are worried about what others will think too. I’m not though as it’s just a commitment he can’t get out of
Probably all just sounds ridiculous but I needed to get it out of my head to people who aren’t involved in the situation so thank you for listening and replying

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BikesIHaveLost · 30/07/2024 11:02

Are you worried on your own behalf? As in, do you think you need him at the funeral because you’ll be dealing with your own grief and your brother with special needs, and will want your husband by your side to help? If you genuinely need him, I wouldn’t hesitate to ask him to forgo the trip and attend the funeral. Things happen. I had to not go on a long-planned, mostly non-refundable trip to Japan because of a family event.

But if, on the other hand (which sounds more the case), you’re primarily worried in case your parents are judging your DH for not attending the funeral, I wouldn’t give it another thought. It’s not really their affair. If you’re ok with him not being there, they need to take their cue from you.

cupcaske123 · 30/07/2024 11:04

You have to make allowances for grief. People can act in very strange ways and focus on unusual things. I would just grin and bear it. Just say your husband's sorry he can't come and there's nothing more you can do. No one will think anything of him not being there, they'll be focused on their loss.

I'm sorry for your loss.💐

Original poster

poet93 · 30/07/2024 11:07

BikesIHaveLost · 30/07/2024 11:02

Are you worried on your own behalf? As in, do you think you need him at the funeral because you’ll be dealing with your own grief and your brother with special needs, and will want your husband by your side to help? If you genuinely need him, I wouldn’t hesitate to ask him to forgo the trip and attend the funeral. Things happen. I had to not go on a long-planned, mostly non-refundable trip to Japan because of a family event.

But if, on the other hand (which sounds more the case), you’re primarily worried in case your parents are judging your DH for not attending the funeral, I wouldn’t give it another thought. It’s not really their affair. If you’re ok with him not being there, they need to take their cue from you.

No I’m fine with myself I’m not worrying about me because I know I’ve got his support regardless. If I didn’t have his support then that would be a different story. To me support is being there in everyday life not just one day
My worry is my parents and their relationship with him after this. They’ve always got on well so I think maybe the grief is heightening their emotions right now?

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SummerInSun · 30/07/2024 11:26

Honestly - and I'm sorry because I know this isn't the answer you want - but I think people including your parents but also you Nan's friends and other family members will think it very odd if your DH goes off on a jolly on the day of your Nan's funeral. It is partly about disrespect for your Nan but mainly it gives weird vibes about your DH's commitment to supporting you and your wider family when sad or bad things happen. I completely understand where you are coming from but I don't think any one day jolly is worth the upset this will cause. As for it being non-refundable, people often take unpaid leave to attend funerals and lose a whole day's pay, so I think saying that as a justification just makes it sound line a mercenary decision.