Narcissistic Parents, No Contact, they aren’t getting it

[MistyMorningsAndHotTea]

Bare with me please I haven’t got a clue where to start with this but I’d really appreciate some insight or advice.

DH had an unusual upbringing. Very controlling father, sometimes physically abusive mostly controlling. He and his siblings kind of normalised there experiences but since having children of his own he realises it was not normal. We’ve had our issues with his parents since the beginning of our relationship but probably escalated when we bought 1st home. And again first baby etc any and again whenever something big happens for us.

We can visit his parents have nice ish time, as long as we don’t say or do anything that might provoke reactions. Then we often get home and receive a barrage of messages abusive phonecalls etc. drunk usually. I don’t really know how to articulate exactly how bizarre the relationship is. We stew for a few days wondering how to go forward and then pretend it’s never happened until the next time it happens again. usually because ‘well they’re family’ .. don’t want rifts etc.

last time this explosive behaviour and verbal drunken abuse was in front of our 3 year old in the middle of the day. Last straw. We cut ties completely (with one parent) The other parent swore blind they aren’t to blame and shouldn’t be ‘punished’. Often just turns a blind eye imo.

We were very clear we want nothing to do with this person, no contact at all. But the other parent seems to facilitate contact by passing info along etc and says things like ‘dad said this, ‘dad said that’

It’s been about a month or so now and when the remaining parent asked to visit (ten mins notice) I said I was out, tomorrow would be better. Next thing I see the no contact parent on our ring doorbell dropping presents at the front door.

I don’t really know how we get through to them. It’s exhausting.

I know I know ‘poor you getting doorstep gifts’ I feel like I’m going mad. But it’s really not like that. It’s bate/hoovering for a reaction. If we confront them they will just gaslight as usual make us think we’re in the wrong but it really isn’t the case. We cut ties for our own emotional wellbeing and self preservation and they’re blatantly disrespecting our wishes.

congratulations if you got this far. Please help me. I’ve never had a relationship like this. It’s been going on for at least 11 years. We both get one very very well with my parents and this of course is another source of conflict for the in laws. I just don’t know what to do.

You are not alone.

Lots of people come to a point in their lives when they realise their family dynamics are highly toxic. Whether it's parents, siblings, or the whole family set-up.

Sometimes the only solution is to go No Contact with them. It's the only way to break the cycle of madness and build a healthy family of your own.

The doorstep gifts are designed to bring you back into the relationship. Think of it like "bait" perhaps. They know they have overstepped with their terrible behaviour, so they try to hoover you back in.

Same goes for the other parent saying "your dad said this, your dad said that". This is part of the dynamic - and the person relaying information is known as a Flying Monkey (named after the wizard of oz film when the witch would send out her flying monkeys to do her business).

The whole "but it's your famileeeeee!!!" cry of woe is horse shit. Toxic people are to be avoided at all costs. It's not your fault that you're related by blood.

You can't get through to them because you cannot reason with unreasonable people.

Cut ties with them both. Completely no contact. Block them and if possible, move.

I am NC with my family. They would turn up if they could but they live abroad. But I got the abusive messages and the crazy stuff being sent by courier to my door. Went completely NC and moved house (not for this reason, but it was very convenient!). It’s been bliss. No more gifts for the kids (went right to charity shop but it was the mental energy it sucked out of me). No crazy boxes of crazy shit. No cards and letters. Couldn’t turn up if they wanted to. It’s wonderful and I’ve never had more peace.

Thank you this is really helpful, just knowing it’s not me and I’m not going mad lol
out of curiosity how do you then deal with siblings? It feels as thought we are the ones causing a rift. And If we were to move away, obviously you would tell other family members where you live, surely the parents would then find out? All we really want is for them to respect our wishes as people and as parents but it’s never going to happen

I cut my siblings off too because they were all part of the same messed-up dynamic. My highly Toxic Sister was the main reason I decided to go NC with them all in the first place.

None of my family know where I live now.