AIBU to be annoyed about mismatched libidos?

[raspberry100]

Apologies if this belongs on another thread, happy for it to be moved if so!

Basically, my long term partner and I have been having issues in the bedroom. Been together 12 years.

However, one thing we are both butting heads on is doing the deed! We don’t have any kids, I work a standard 9-5, but he works for a big 4 and the hours are long and he’s constantly stressed and whenever I initiate he always says he’s too tired or stressed. The first year together it was constant, but the last 11 years it has tailed off.

I can understand that happens but a fumble after a bottle of wine once every 6 weeks just isn’t doing it for me anymore. We are both mid 30s, both could do with being a bit healthier but I still find him attractive. I’m larger than I was when I met him, he says the problems not me. He does have phimosis which he refuses to go to a doctor about, but says sex isn’t painful if he uses a condom - fine by me.

I tried talking about it with him tonight, I’d consider myself to be very sex positive, nothings taboo, nothings a big deal, but he shut down and it was like trying to get blood out of a stone. He’s also terrible for turning everything into a big joke to skirt around having to answer (not just sex but anything he finds awkward or doesn’t like) I asked him to take me out of the picture, and imagine he was filling in a form just about his views, and he rated our sex life 5/10. When I asked him what could be better, he said it’s fine he just wishes we had it more often.

Tried explaining to him this is so frustrating though as we are both having the same issue, but I’m also sick of throwing myself at him and being rejected - after years of it, I know it’s affecting my self confidence. He just says he can’t help when he’s stressed, and gets more stressed about sitting on his laptop working at night and that he’s got more work to do. He admits he’s a total workaholic but won’t do anything about it.

Everything else is great, we laugh a lot, socialise a lot, love our house etc, it’s just this. I don’t want to split up but I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t panicking a bit thinking is this it for the rest of my life? The worst we had was a few years ago where we didn’t do it for 6 months.

AIBU for needing more? It’s not just the sex but the intimacy around it. We barely kiss and cuddle anymore, he’s always the first to pull away. I feel bad as I know how much his work affects him but he doesn’t see how much the lack of intimacy affects me!

sorry for the essay!

From experience, it certainly won’t get any better so you are going to have a choice to make at some point.

It definitely won't get better unless his attitude either to work/balance or his commitment to addressing this issue in your relationship changes.

What likelihood do you think there is that either will change?

You're very young, and the tiredness issue gets markedly worse in 40s (esp if you do later have children with him). You have to ask yourself how much you value the rest of what he offers, and is it enough to give up your sexual self.

Perimenopause might rob you of your libido in 8 or 9 years. Or it might send it into hyper space... Only you know what you can handle

11 years of crap sex?! Save yourself from 11 more. He won’t give you what you want and he can see if his precious work keeps him warm at night. Stop flogging a dead horse love. Move on and find a man who’s on your wave length.

Sorry OP but you're going to have to MAKE HIM LISTEN, and realise just how much this is upsetting you! Even if it means telling him that unless he sorts it out, he can't expect you to remain faithful! Obviously I realise that that may not be what's on your mind at all, but it might just make him take you seriously, instead of just brushing your concerns away as if they don't matter. I would also be telling him that if his work is behind his stress and tiredness, he needs to think about either changing his job, or taking a step back, as life isn't all about work! He admits to being a workaholic, well you have to make him realise that that's not working for you, and you got married in order to share your lives, not for you to have to compete with his job for attention. Why is he still working in the evenings on his laptop, is this REALLY necessary, or just a habit he's got into? I think you need to wait for a time when you can literally make him sit down and talk to you, whether that's at the weekend, or not, will depend on his work and your commitments, but try and choose a time when neither of you have to rush out to go somewhere. Then tell him that you need to talk, and that trying to make a joke out of it, is only going to make the talk take longer, because he's going to listen whether he likes it or not, and then lay it all out. If he still won't listen, then you have to decided if in your mid 30's you're prepared to accept that, but I certainly couldn't.

See the thing is when we do it, it’s great, no real complaints from me! Once every 6 weeks has been maybe the last 2 years, apart from my dry spell it was maybe 2-3 times a month.

I’m not after long sessions either, would be much happier with more regular quickies. Everything else is good but I feel this is too big a thing for me, and I hate how it makes me come across as sex crazed when I’m not!

it has really affected my self esteem over the years, and only recently realised just how much

Gosh, 11 years is a long time - you have my sympathies! One thing that really helped in my last relationship was separating out affection from sex. If one partner is off sex they can start avoiding physical touch if they think it’s got strings attached. So we set it up so either of us could ask for a cuddle on the bed with no expectation of sex - Gave it a name ‘cuddle time’ or some such.

Wrt sex, we agreed that if one of us wanted sex they would verbally ask rather than making a physical pass. It didn’t mean that we didn’t then do all the seduction-y bits if there was a green light but it honestly saves the effort and after the first couple of rebuttals it becomes less hurtful being turned down - actually even better, was that we went on to become more relaxed about discussing when we preferred to have sex. Turned out that he would be totally up for a quickie before work but because he had to get up earlier than me he assumed I’d rather not - whereas it turned out to be quite fun getting frisky then having another half an hour before my alarm went off.

Obviously this requires being able to talk about sex, which is a whole other kettle of fish. Could you arrange a quiet time at the weekend to talk to him, evenings sound like a fail for him being able to focus on you (!)

Does he only have sex with you when he's had a few drinks? That's a red flag.

Kudos to you. You sound really smart and reasonable. You definitely went about the chat in a great way - well done.
I think the reality is you’ll start to resent him, and feel bad about yourself.
To me no sex is ok, not perfect, but perfectly doable. Having no kisses and cuddles I couldn’t live with.
You may have to be quite straight talking and say that you don’t want this going forward, that things have to change.
I think it’s important to focus on general affection first. I know when my H has ever commented on lack of sex during a brief dry spell it’s made me instantly shut down, even if I’d actually wanted it!
Our libidos haven’t always matched (both ways around), but we did work hard to maintain affection.

you're going to have to MAKE HIM LISTEN, and realise just how much this is upsetting you! Even if it means telling him that unless he sorts it out, he can't expect you to remain faithful!

I wonder what MN would say if the sexs were reversed on this?

I would have no problem with it either sex saying this. It's important to have your voice heard and your feelings acknowledged. This isn't a new mother who's exhausted from having a man's child and the man is badgering her for sex constantly threatening to be unfaithful if she doesn't give in to his demands. This is a partner who for 11 years has been ignored or laughed at when they have raised their concerns. Male or female that's not on.

OP you've got mismatched libidos. Relationships tend to go through peaks and troughs but yours has been pretty consistent for years. It's not going to change so either accept every six weeks or move on.

If he’s stressed in the evenings and busy working still, what about mornings? What about weekends? If you have no children plenty of time when he’s not working you could dedicate to sex! Maybe try scheduling in some sex, not very spontaneous and sexy but more sex leads to more sex so you could agree that you need to schedule it in every week, or every 2wks and see how that goes. You need to make him listen that you’re really unhappy about the frequency, and the lack of cuddles etc and something needs to change. If it doesn’t then I do think you need fo consider the relationship given you’re young. As like everyone has said, as the years go by it’s going to get worse not better. Good luck

I'm sorry you're experiencing this. I could write a long more carefully worded reply but I'm not sure it would be more useful, because it would come down to the same unpalatable thing: leave.

This will only get worse, and it will erode the relationship and your confidence and, if you decide you want to have children, will make it very hard to conceive.

You are young enough to have time still for a whole new act in your life, including a man who finds you incredibly sexy and wants to DTD all the time and, if you want, a family. But you would need (as you know) to get a move on for that, especially if mid 30s is more 36 /37 than 33/34.

So the solution to.my 20 year sexless marriage is an affair?

When I asked him what could be better, he said it’s fine he just wishes we had it more often.

He's lying to you, telling you what he thinks you want to hear. If he genuinely wanted it more often he'd put in more effort/try to initiate. I'm presuming you try to initiate more often yourself, but he's rejecting?

He does sound like a workaholic though, and that's unlikely to ever change unfortunately. Your relationship will probably always play second fiddle to his job.