16yo DS going NC with stbexh

[finallyaskedfordivorce]

I've been separated from stbexh for 6 weeks now. 16yo DS has not seen or spoken to his father since he moved out and continues to refuse to engage with him.

He has seen his paternal grandparents about 3 times over the 6 weeks and they have tried to intervene on behalf of stbexh, to no avail.

I tried to convince him to see his father quite early in the separation but after the 1st week or so decided to give it a break.

I'm not discouraging him from maintaining a relationship with his father (despite my own feelings of resentment toward him), and have actively told him that he doesn't need to worry about me/upsetting me. He's entirely free to have a relationship with his father, completely separate from me. He's till doesn't want to see him.

Stbexh is now messaging me asking me to ask DS if he will meet with him for a coffee because DS won't respond to his texts and has blocked him on WhatsApp.

I'm caught in the middle! I can't actually force DS to see his father, and part of me thinks why should I even try to convince him to see him, stbexh certainly isn't doing me any favours since the separation!

What would you do? Should I keep trying to encourage him to see him? Should I tell DS to grow up and at least respond to his father's texts himself so I don't get pulled into this? Or do I tell stbexh to leave me out of it, DS will get in touch with him when he's ready? I really don't know......

more detail

what was the relationship like before?

what were the circumstances of the separation?

You can ask, but you can’t make him. Is it because of your ex’s behaviour towards you/him that he doesn’t want to see him? I don’t see how you can force him if he’s made the decision to not see him. What does your ex expect you to do? He’s 16, not 6!

The best advice anyone gave me about parenting post divorce is that you are not responsible for the quality of your STBEXH's relationship with his children. He is.

By asking you to intervene with a 16 year old, he is making it your issue. If this was a 4 year old, then fine, a small child can't make arrangements to see their Dad themselves. But a 16 year old can make a choice, your DS has done that. You are not your STBXH's flying monkey.

If your marriage ended for a reason that your DS might rightly judge your STBXH for, then that is between them, even if your ex doesn't like it.

He basically thinks his father is an utter twat (and he's not wrong).

The relationship has been going down the toilet for a while, although not openly hostile to one another, I checked out a while ago due to a build up of resentment from lack of support/teamwork/input with the kids, house etc.

DS has basically watched his father treat me like shit for years, has been subjected to stbexh's constant negativity etc. there was also a "final straw" incident where stbexh showed us all his true homophobic colours and I simply couldn't justify staying a minute longer.

When stbexh lived with us, DS would spend the majority of his time in his room when stbexh was home. He basically avoided him a lot! And stbexh was utterly oblivious!

I should also point out that I haven't been telling DS all the ins and outs of the separation and things that have been said by stbexh since (which would only make him even angrier with his father). DS has made this decision entirely based on events up to and including the separation and "final straw" incident.

It's 6 weeks though. Very early days. He may think differently when things are not so raw. I would say this to ExH. He may need a few months to come to terms with it all.

so presumably… their relationship has been shite for years and it should come as no surprise to you or his father whatsoever

They weren't close before, but I must admit, even I hadn't realised just how much he disliked his father until we separated.

So… absolutely no need to encourage this

and when messages by ex… you simply say, i am stepping away from YOUR relationship with your son, but i get the impression his mind is made up.

'Ex, I'm not your secretary, so I won't be passing on any messages to ds. He is aware you are trying to contact him and I am no bringing it up with him as it's futile. I suggest you give him some space and try again in the future when things are more settled.'

I would tell your exh that his relationship with his son is not your responsibility. You will not intervene in any way. He can contact his son (or not) himself. If his son chooses not to respond, that is up to him. You will not get involved.
My son never spoke to his father again after he left the family. He was 14. His sister dors have a sort of relationship with her dad.
It puts you in the firing line if you get involved. Your son may be resentful if you try. In addition he's old enough to know his own mind. You don't owe your exh anything.

Thank you for responses. I think my gut instinct is to stay out of it like you all suggest. My priority is supporting DS, not stbexh!

It's your STBXH's responsibility to mend the fractured relationship with his son. He'll have a lot of hard work to do. He has to earn it. Don't push your DS into contact he doesn't want. When I split with my late husband my DDs were 15 and 17 and they wanted no contact - he tried to push it, bombarded DD1 with texts to the point where it was upsetting her. I told her it was OK to block him. I also told him to give them space and that it would take time (he threatened to kill me, we had the police at our house, DDs witnessed it all). He didn't listen. He died having seen them exactly once since leaving the family home.

We have no regrets.

Your son is old enough to fight for his country so he’s old enough to know that he doesn’t want any contact with his utter twat of a father. Why would he?

STBXH’s relationship with your son is not your problem. What he wants to happen is for you to make your son see him, your DS to then fall into line and go and see STBXH when he wants to see him and for DS to be a jolly, happy Disney child. It’s basically a way to not accept that his appalling parenting has resulted in his son not wanting anything to do with him. You reap what you sow 🤷🏻‍♀️