After marriage separation, stay in the family home or move?

[Pickledpistachio]

Hi, just wondering if anyone had been in a similar situation and had any advice.

I separated from my exDH a few months ago. He moved out and is now renting a place in the same town I live in. We have three dc, all teenagers. I am still in the family home, and exDH and I share custody of the dc, it pretty much works out to be around a 60/40 split (me 60, him 40).

My dilemma is - I just don't know if I want to stay in the family home or move. We originally bought this house as a renovation project, and there is still so much to do. Unfinished bathrooms, damp in a couple of the rooms, carpets need replacing, walls need painting - the list goes on. There is also a massive garden which is basically wild and running riot. We don't have much spare cash for this, our initial plan was for this to be our "forever home" and we would renovate it slowly over the years but obviously this plan has now changed.

Even though my ex and I jointly own the house, he won't do anything to help sort it out. He is chronically anxious and just can't (or won't) face it. He was also a bit of a hoarder and I have been left with a huge amount of his stuff in various rooms that I need to sort out and take to the tip.

I just feel overwhelmed with everything. The initial plan was that I would stay in the family home for a few more years until all the dc have finished A levels. Then we would sell and split the equity between my ex and I. But I am now thinking it would be so nice to live somewhere that didn't need constant maintenance and work. And I don't even know what I am doing it for as it doesn't really feel like a family home any more as the dc aren't here half the time. Plus there are so many bittersweet memories everywhere and reminders of my marriage.

I would love to be in a much smaller place, which was easier to maintain, with a small garden or patio. But I don't know if this would be fair on the dc, as it would be another big change for them. My ds in particular has struggled with my ex and I separating, and he really doesn't like having to move between homes (he's on the autistic spectrum). He would probably feel even worse if we left the family home that he knows and loves and he had to move to a new house.

Also I feel so mentally and physically exhausted by everything, I don't know if I have the energy to move house at the moment!

Just not sure what the best option would be?!

We sold. We gave the children who were both over 18 the choice whether they wanted to live there and one decided to move away with me and the other moved away herself. We didn't rush it though, it was 3 years from splitting up to selling. Initially he moved out but I decided to move away so he moved back in.

If I was in your situation I would move. The children will adapt to a new home and you will be much happier and more comfortable in a house that doesn’t come with an endless to do list. Moving is stressful but it’s a short term stress and after it’s done you can settle, in your current home it sounds like it will be one job after another and so the stress and jobs will go on for years. A reno is lovely if it’s a passion project for a beautiful family home but it is really hard work, stressful, expensive and time consuming, it’s a team effort and it sounds as if you’d be doing it as a one man show. I’d be putting the house on the market and finding a lovely house ready to move into x

Do not underestimate how much stress and unhappiness is caused by living in a messy, depressing, unfinished home.

If I were you, I would steal myself, find my resolve, buckle down and for the next few months, get the house cleaned out, and then put it on the market. I would be getting out of there. The effort you put it will be so worth it, and your kids will be just fine.

My ex left the family home and I bought him out. Like yours it needed renovating over time - a lot I did myself - painting, basic DIY stuff (the biggest job was sorting the hall stairs and landing - I've still not finished it lol) I learnt as I went and it gave me a sense of making the house 'mine' rather than 'ours'. He has no financial interest in the property so I can choose to stay or sell if I choose to. Like yours, my ex left a lot of stuff and junk as well, again over time I worked through it bit by bit - this included tip runs and handing him a box or 3 every time we did the kids handover ;)

Before I agreed to buy him out, I met with a mortgage broker to make sure I could afford to buy him out. I couldn't move forward until I did this step. Maybe start there OP, if you know you can't afford to buy him out as part of your financial settlement, then the decision is made for you.

Big hugs - this is a huge period of upheaval but I promise, it settles down again.

Move. It's much easier to make a fresh start in a new place unencumbered with memories/dreams and someone else's crap.

I’d break down the jobs into stuff you can do - you can paint a wall.

You can clear the garden - TBF all gardens are crap this yea the amount of rain we’ve had.

You’d get more money if it’s decent than not finished - either keep the receipts or ash Ex for half the cost.

Any extra you provide should be a % of the sale price

I stayed to give the kids consistency. Now they are older they have said they don’t want me to move till they leave home. It is too big and I haven’t had the money to do anything and everything is now looking tired and breaking. I don’t know whether it was the right thing to stay or not. I felt like it was too much to move as well but my house was finished so I can really see that appeal for you. Only you can know the impact on your son. It’s not an easy decision as there probably are pros and cons of both options.

Thank you all for your views - they are greatly appreciated!

@Aquamarine1029 "Do not underestimate how much stress and unhappiness is caused by living in a messy, depressing, unfinished home." You are so right. I went away on holiday a few weeks ago and felt so free and relaxed when I was out there. When I came back to this unfinished, messy house I actually cried. I am realising just how stressed it makes me.

For the last few months I have been grieving the end of my marriage and my head has been all over the place, but I think I'm gradually realising that a fresh start in a new place would be best. It's going to be harder in the short term but I think definitely better in the long term. @Mrsttcno1 "Moving is stressful but it’s a short term stress and after it’s done you can settle, in your current home it sounds like it will be one job after another and so the stress and jobs will go on for years." - that definitely resonates with me!

It reminds me of the decision I made to push for the separation in the first place - I knew that if I stayed in the marriage it would be chronic, long term stress, whereas if we separated it would be short term high level of stress but eventually much better.

@QueenBakingBee "Big hugs - this is a huge period of upheaval but I promise, it settles down again."

Thanks, that's good to hear. I'm definitely looking forward to a hopefully much more peaceful future when everything is finally sorted and has settled down! 🤞😵‍💫

@UKposter I totally understand your decision to stay in your house to give your children consistency. I really get as well the feeling that it's too big and not having the money to sort everything out. As you say, there are pros and cons of each option, it's really not an easy decision, but it sounds like your dc have appreciated you staying.

The housing market may improve in a few months. After cost of living squeeze few people are interested in doer uppers. Could DC be roped in to do the DIY and develop skills? Lots of people looking for help with home improvements

@Pickledpistachio I’ve been reflecting on this and although I can never know, I think my kids would have been fine moving at the time it’s just now years on they don’t want to as it’s all they’ve known. I didn’t want to move then as it was another thing to cope with.
I think in your situation I would move as the house needs work now & moving is actually the easier option for you than staying put probably.