Help me on how to give my husband ultimatum about his drinking

[Watermelon8]

Been married 12 years, 3 great kids, 13, 9 & 7. My husband a great father, adores the kids and is very good to them. Not such a great husband though. He’s not bad to me but totally just takes me for granted. He is self-employed & works long hours. The business making no fortune, we just about pay the bills etc without much left over. I work part time. As I work less hours I’m expected to do 100% of household chores, he does nothing. I do all the cooking cleaning. He’ll phone me & just ask what’s for dinner. Never any thanks.

The main problem however is his drinking. He drinks every sat evening/night & every Sunday! He has a wee den/bar which he made for himself & spends most of his weekend there! This weekend past he invited few single friends who live their life to party! They drank all day! Really pissed me off! Kids didn’t like these guys either! In fairness he rarely does this but doing it this weekend has really pissed me off & got me thinking! Iv obviously been a complete mug for to long! I need to tell him how I am feeling. He knows from the silent treatment I give him when he’s drinking that I hate it, & iv told him before, don't expect me to be happy when your drinking but feel I need to give him an ultimatum now! Can’t go on any longer. I would like our marriage to work but I can’t/don’t love him like this!

I would like to be able to have a conversation with him about how his drinking is a major problem & that if he wants our marriage to work he needs to address it! How do I start this conversation without it turning into a row?

And advice appreciated.

Your message needs to be a calm statement of the effects of his drinking on you and the household, not an exclamatory rant ending on an if you don’t x then I’ll y. And then you will have to accept that he might still choose drink. You won’t change him unless he’s ready. Think about what that means before you start the conversation. Good luck.

Op, please don't make the mistake of issuing an ultimatum when you really have no intentions on following through with it. You lose all credibility and your husband will just continue to walk all over you.

An ultimatum means this is it, never ever again, or the marriage is 100% over. There are no second chances after an ultimatum. If you mean this, then go ahead.

He’s not so good to the children though, if he ignores them all weekend to get pissed. You will have to be ready for an argument, you know this, but that’s on him, not you. Just tell him he’s setting a dreadful example for the whole family and treating you as the help- if he doesn’t change the marriage is over. Then walk away and leave him to his den.

Whats his business, if it makes so little money would it be better if he got a job instead?

He is not a great father, is he? Not if he is getting pissed with his mates at every available opportunity.

Wouldn't you just be better off single? If he hasn't worked out that spending time with his wife and kids on one of the few lovely weekends of the year rather than getting pissed up with his single mates...then you giving him an ultimatum probably isn't going to do much...

sorry.

I know it's not that easy but if you can work out a way financially to be on your own that gives any ultimatum more bite really.

Don't bother with 'silent treatment ' nonsense & the rest, have an adult conversation about your concerns. If your concerns are serious about his drinking it's likely he is going to need a major lifestyle overhaul, major consistent effort from him & likely professional intervention. None of which will happen unless he is willing to change.
I'd leave someone who sat in ' his den' getting pissed at the weekend but if you think the relationship is salvageable get some very clear boundaries in place. It's not going to be easy. Btw the bit about you telling him don't expect you to be happy etc with his drinking will be largely irrelevant to him unless he's willing to really invest in the relationship and make changes. I also wouldn't want to expose children to adult drinking patterns like this.

The main problem isn't his drinking, the main problem is his lack of respect. He doesn't pull his weight at home then when he has down time, spends it getting drunk.

I would make it clear that he sobers up and starts pulling his weight or he leaves.

Just leaving someone who does this to me. His has gone from weekend drinking to daily drinking, although does hold down a job (for now). Swears blind he doesn’t have a problem with alcohol. Does fuck all around the house and either sits watching tv drinking or in the garden drinking. I also work full time, keep the house, parent the kids and do things with them on weekend. Drinking sadly means more to him. So ive given him enough chances, ive filed for divorce

Watermelon

re your comment:
"I would like to be able to have a conversation with him about how his drinking is a major problem & that if he wants our marriage to work he needs to address it! How do I start this conversation without it turning into a row?"

He does not want to address his drinking with himself, let alone you. His primary relationship is with drink, not you and its never been with you either. Leave him to his "den" and drinking buddies, these types tend to stick together.

Do not issue an ultimatum unless you are fully prepared to follow it through.

Forget having a conversation with him about his drinking; you talking to your alcoholic H about his drinking is a complete waste of time. Like so very many posts of this type, its mainly about the alcoholic and not the poster writing. He is also not a good father to his children if he treats you and in turn they like this; putting drink first.

Your energies would be better employed removing yourself and your kids from such a toxic environment i.e this marriage where you are fire fighting all the time. It does you and they no favours to stay with him. What do you want to teach them about relationships and what are they learning here from you both?.

I would also presume his alcoholism is having a detrimental effect on his self employment as well. How much longer do you think his business can actually keep going?.

How many times have you excused and or otherwise covered for him?. How many family occasions e.g birthdays and Christmas has he spoilt due to his drinking?.

Your own recovery from his alcoholism will only properly start when you and he are apart. Divorce is not failure here OP.

You did not cause this
You cannot control this
You cannot cure this

You need support for your own self and to this end I would suggest you attend al-anon meetings. At the very least read their literature. Do consider seeking legal advice too; knowledge here is power.

Do you never drink with him? Go out together? Do you not meet up with friends for a drink at the weekends? If he was getting drunk every night I get it but that's not the case right?...

If he's working long hours and his only quality time at home is the weekends which he spends in his bar/den drinking when is he being a good father???? Not abusive does not equal good father 🤷‍♀️