Am I kidding myself?

[Notsoluckylucy]

DP and I have been together 8 years and I'm worried that we're not compatible long term and I'm worried about my fertility if I leave and have to find someone else.

Pros:

• very smart
• very loving (hugs, nice messages etc)
• I've never felt compared to anyone/never worried about cheating etc
• similar interests and hobbies
• supportive (currently he is paying bigger share of bills so I could go part time to do a course)

Cons:

• doesn't pull his weight around the house (the classic my standards are too high)
• doesn't take a leading role with his family (no fall out, he gets on brilliantly while they're here but he rarely visits them or calls etc despite his mum getting older)
• comes across rude sometimes (goes on his phone in the middle of a conversation, gets himself a drink and won't offer others etc)
• doesn't put effort into us (hasn't organised a date since year 1, doesn't buy bday/Xmas gifts reliably)

I should mention he has ADHD and is medicated so this may be having an impact.

Overall, I'm beginning to feel like the only adult in the Relationship. Some of the things he does comes across immature and at times, selfish. But in general, we get by day to day with no arguments or upset. We're early 30s and starting to think about kids. I've held off because I don't know that he'd be a great dad.

Am I sticking my head in the sand? Or is this a case of noones perfect?

You can find endless posts on MN about dad's not pulling their weight or showing interest in family life. You don't even have kids yet and your DP is already there...

I was in a similar situation to you, been with this guy nearly 6 years and loved him very, very much. He was very affectionate with me, made me feel good all the time, supported my ambitions etc however he was very immature and wouldn't show up for me when I needed him to act his age and be a grown up. He would run at the first sign of stuff that happens in the adult world and I knew then that sadly he was never going to be able to give me the life that I wanted with someone. It was hard splitting from him but I met my now husband a few months later and I can't tell you what a difference it was being with somebody so incredibly mature. We also went on to have two children.

Hope you find the answer OP, it's tough when you've invested so much time with somebody x

If he won’t do housework now he won’t change nappies or get up with the baby. If you think you’re cleaning up after his lazy arse now imagine the rage it’ll give you when you’re heavily pregnant and achy or recovering from birth and have a baby who won’t be put down. You’ll start to hate him.

He won’t change. They never ever ever change if they think they’re too important to deal with their own mess beforehand.

I don't know that he'd be a great dad

That's all you need to know, OP. Also, he's not kind, is he? He might be kind financially, but he's not really kind towards his mum, and he's not thoughtful, eg the drinks. It's tough having children and to do it with someone who can't be an adult and who isn't kind would be awful.

Thank you. Its really difficult because sometimes he'll do the most thoughtful things then there's just all this low level stuff that I'm really beginning to resent. And it adds up.

I think we don't argue because I don't hold him to account but I don't want to have to do that for a grown man. In other ways, he's great. We can talk about philosophy and politics, he knows and listens about my family and problems, he will do "projects" Around the house that I can't e.g. replacing taps etc.

Unfortunately, I think the cons you’ve listed are things that he is unlikely to be able to change (especially if you’ve already discussed it and he hasn’t made any changes).

Some people just don’t think of offering others a drink or calling their family and will not start to think to do those things if told to because it just isn’t in their nature. Similarly with the mess, if he doesn’t clean up after himself now then he likely just does not see the mess as a problem that needs to be sorted because he’s happy living in that level of mess.

You also can’t stay with someone because they are good at fixing taps and chat about politics or family problems - these are not features unique to your DP and others will possess those qualities as well as the ones you’re craving that your DP lacks.

Really think to yourself if this will get better or worse after children because if you’re already rocky, children will NOT fix your issues and leaving after kids is horrible and heartbreaking. Someone who struggles to empathise with family and check in doesn’t strike me as someone who would be present and thoughtful to you when you’re heavily pregnant and recovering from birth and struggling with a newborn. The mess will likely also triple with a baby and you’ll have way less time to tackle it with a clingy newborn and then a tornado toddler so your resentment in that area will grow. As will your resentment that he doesn’t keep in touch with his parents which will impact your DC seeing their grandparents on that side.

You need to remember that nobody else needs to think you broke up for a “good” reason. Any reason that it’s important enough to you is a good reason and you don’t have to wait for a catastrophic cheating/affair/violence incident to feel you can leave. Not being as happy as you could be with someone else IS a good enough reason.

Know your value

Thanks for your post @Lmnop22

I feel like I'm almost being unfair "springing" this on him. We've had discussions in the past about the house stuff and I've encouraged him to engage with his parents more but I haven't specifically had the "this is all adding up to a difficult picture" conversation.

But I can't see him changing any of it either. I think it's either a) I decide I can put up with it or b) I decide I can't.

I definitely wouldn't have a baby without this all out and discussed and Double up on my contraception to make sure!

I'm thinking about whether it's worth trying to have the conversation or whether that's just me trying to make myself feel better.

Now that I've written it down, I can't stop thinking about it and I'm a little upset that my very loose plans to have a kid soon-ish are basically dead in the water.

Has anyone had experience having a similar conversation? How did you start it? And did it make a difference?

You can pay someone to listen you to talk and fix your taps. Do you want to pay someone to clear up after him

Definitely not. But the chats and taps aren't the reason I'm with him. It's all the pros in my OP and I don't know that I can pay for any of that.

It's difficult because there's nothing super wrong with the relationship and I almost feel like a dick pointing this stuff out but the realisation today that I feel like I'm the adult in the relationship has really upset me.

Now I've seen it, I can't stop seeing examples.

I tried to broach the subject of social cues today and failed miserably.

"Hey DP. I've been thinking about our relationship and I've realised that you aren't there in the ways that count. I can't see a future for us, building a life and family together when I'm the only one doing the heavy lifting. All the housework falls to me and I'm not here to serve you. It has really started to bother me and I am terrified of a life where I am nothing more than an incubator and a domestic appliance. That is not a life.
The fact that you've happily gone along with this inequality in our relationship now, confirms that you won't be doing it when I'm vulnerable and trapped with a child. So I'm sorry, but this relationship is over."

OP, that is some list of negatives.

If he has adhd, there is a strong chance your children will too.

Having children with a clean tidy man who pills his weight is still a shock for a woman, having one with a lazy messy selfish man is unbearable.
It ruins the experience and often contributes to PND.

The not doing date nights etc., is the least of your worries on your list.

Your resentment pre children will be tenfold afterwards because having children is hard work and stressful.
Love and respect don't half fade if you feel like a single parent living with a lazy selfish teenager.
It gets old so quickly.
Whatever about his family relationships, how he is with you, how he lives, how he contributes, are things to look at so closely.
Many, many women deeply regret glossing over these deficits after having children.
Be honest and brave.

Why would you stay with a man just to have kids.. How horrible for the kids???

Get a new fella or a donor. Mad how many women worry about fertility on here. You have years!!

The pros on your list are all excellent and not always easy qualities to find.

His relationship with his family is his to manage and if it's fine but they're just not a terribly close family, pressuring him to change that is actually kind of controlling on your part.

Everyone is thoughtless/self-absorbed sometimes, the more important thing is how he responds when you gently point out that he's being a little rude.

Not pulling his weight may be a serious issue, but are his standards basically acceptable, just not as high as yours? There's a big difference between someone who leaves clean clothes on a chair for a few days before putting them away and someone who lives with a full-time floordrobe.

The last issue sounds like the only serious one IMO. Have you had a talk with him about how you need to see him making an effort to prioritise the relationship, and has he made any effort to change?

I am sorry you are going through doubts like this - I know it can be horrible.

Kindly, telling us your list of pros and cons as you see them, is, to a large extent, irrelevant, as they won't necessarily even BE pros/cons to us.

For example, I can't imagine being especially bothered about whether or not a partner was good at keeping in touch with his own family - it would certainly NEVER feature on a list of possible reasons I might leave him. But, it matters a great deal to you, and that is totally valid.

Similarly, to me your lists sounded more like somebody's job spec for a companion, than for a romantic partner - no reference to whether you are attracted to him, whether you are in love, whether the sex is good/exciting. And again, that is totally fair enough - these things may not be things you strongly look for in a life partner, and that's totally valid. For me, that passion and attraction is more important than 90% of the other stuff in making a life partnership work (I have had a couple of failed ones, as well as my current one which touch wood is working).

You see, my gut instinct is to say that, by the time you have started making lists, the relationship is done anyway. If I found out my partner had written a list like yours and put it on the internet for discussion, I would be straight out the door - not because you are wrong to do so, but because I believe I deserve someone who loves me and desires to be with me with passion and certainty. And my instinct is to say your partner deserves the same. And that you deserve someone you love with passion and certainty yourself!

Good luck.

I was wondering if he was ND by your description, then you said he has ADHD, so it fits with the behaviour. It's unlikely to change, so it does come down to can you live with it? If its getting hard now, you are right to be concerned about how effective he'd be as a parent and how annoyed would that make you. It's also quite possible that your DC could have ADHD too, making it even more difficult- there is a hereditary link. Lots to consider, especially as time is not on your side.

Wow, what a dilemma 😢 You sound so very compatible as people - though you didn't mention sex; is all good there? And, as you say, worryingly incompatible as spouses and potential co-parents.

If you could outsource a fair chunk of your home and parenting duties, would that lift enough of the burden so you'd feel free to enjoy his good points and overlook the lack of consideration? Do you have enough spare funds to be able to, now and in the future when child-wrangling comes into it?

You do need to force the discussion, yes. I'm sure it's going to be tough. But do bear in mind you can end a relationship for any reason you see fit, there's no judge and jury!

Wishing you luck.

Hello OP. I thought I’d reply as I had a boyfriend in my late 20s just like that and broke up with him on the cusp of settling down.

I had come to feel like I was the only adult in the relationship at times too, and I can remember feeling my bf had at atmosphere of naïveté and selfishness about him often. He didn’t understand social cues, but was very clever and loving and loyal. I often suspected he was ND.

At some points I have bitterly regretted not having kids with him (had them with a real wanker instead, but that’s another story), but never on account of my emotional connection to him, if you see what I mean. These guys are sort of very decent in a way that feels suspiciously blank sometimes.

What not to do is rush into a next relationship with someone who seems to have the totally opposite feel. I did and ended up with a charming abuser. You want almost the same qualities but with that missing spark, a kind of intuitiveness that your current guy misses.

The list of positives sounds great, I understand the cons but am not sure they are insurmountable?

You will never find someone who is 100% your ideal person, if they are 80% then that’s a great position to be in.

Perhaps some joint counselling would help?