Husband walked out christmas 2023 after I found him cheating .... need advice

[Singlemotherof3]

Hi all,

I'm in need of advice and any useful contact information.

Here's my story in a nutshell.....

I'm 31yrs old and my husband is 32, we have been together since we we're 15 and finally got married in July 2022. We have 3 girls, an 8yr old, 5 yr old and 1yr old. In October of 2023 I discovered a set of text messages from an unknown name / number who turned out to be a woman he worked with. They were very flirtatious and sexually explicit. I woke him up and confronted him with the messages, he was mortified and explained he was being stupid be there was nothing to it and it was just a silly mistake. He finally admitted who the woman was and that he worked with her. He also admitted that he had met up with her after work and kissed. I was obviously heartbroken and angry to say the least.

We agreed we would try to speak more and spend more family time at home (he was always at work) - of course he was! He kept saying there was nothing wrong, I was the best wife and mum anyone could ask for and he was just extremely stupid for doing what he had done. The odd row then materialized as I just started to question everything he did and it was just difficult to adjust but we seemed to be managing.

Come December 27th 2023 around 9pm, he stands up and says he's leaving and needs time away...... then proceeds to back two cases, fills his clothes and drives (supposedly to his parents) The time he needs away turns into months and finally in February 2023 he tells me hes moved on and is now in a relationship with the woman from work......

Now this is where i need some help / advice.

He picks the children up from our house every Tuesday and Thursday around 5pm and drops them back to mine around 7:30pm. Yes this girl he cheated on with me is normally sat in the car with him....

He will then either have the girls on a Saturday or Sunday for the day, collecting them at 9am and dropping them home around 6pm , yes the new woman again is in the car..... often blowing kisses to the girls and they come back into the house......

It has been a month since he introduced all three of our children to this woman and they have been going back to the house he shares with her. He has recently bought the 8yr old a mobile phone to which I've now found out the woman is in as a contact!!!! He has bought clothes for all three of them which he keeps round their new place. The new girl has even bought the 8yr old and 5yr old and bikini each.... delightful.......

Money wise, we have a mortgage which he pays for, and he pays a small amount towards the other bills etc, I receive no money for food, clothes etc for the girls. He is extremely tight with money always has, but I've been told since he is paying the mortgage I should keep quiet.....

What would you recommend I should do or should have done already? Specifically about divorcing, money I'm receiving from him, the amount of times a week he see's the girls, the amount of contact this woman has with my girls (and directly with the mobile phone situation) . Any useful contacts I can speak to...... any help would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks.

Assuming he isn’t a very high earner, the fact he pays the full mortgage and some bills sounds like he pays more than he would have to if you went to CMS.
He GF, I agree it is far too soon for the kids to spend time with her, however I’m afraid it is his decision for when they are with him, and though it might not be right, there isn’t much you can do about it.

First, I am so sorry you’re going through this. What he’s done to you is awful and to his children. However, let me answer your questions specifically. In terms of this woman being in your children’s lives, legally there is nothing you can do about that. Because he has parental rights he is allowed to introduce them to anyone he deems suitable and fit and that includes spending time with her at her house and having her as a contact in the phone. As much as you may hate it, that’s what a court would say so you have to make your peace with that and just be glad that she treats the children well when they are with her. Always remain child focused.
Go on to the child maintenance website and put in the details to check how much money you would be entitled to. That way you will know. Just be aware that many men get nasty when you try to get money out of them, especially if they are tight fisted. Also, CMS are notoriously bad at enforcing payments and the money isn’t great either. Still, it will be helpful for you to know exactly what you’d be entitled to.
Speak to a lawyer about your property. Whilst he’s paying the mortgage atm, there’s nothing to stop him from doing so at any point. You might want to consider getting something in writing that protects you and the children. Also, if the property is in both names, find out if he has to keep paying his half or buy you out. Could you manage the payments on your own? Are you working atm or due to return to work from maternity leave? If not, you may have to consider looking for work so you’re not financially reliant on him.
Focus on the children. They will be struggling with such big changes. Pour all your energy and love into them and as much as it might be difficult, F him. He’s not worth your hurt. He’s a scumbag. I would consider getting yourself into therapy to deal with the trauma and hurt this will have undoubtedly caused you. Not just for your own mental health and wellbeing but so that you can move forward with the children in a healthy way. I wish you all the best.

Yes, I have to agree with @Notamum12345577 it's likely the mortgage is more than you would get from CMS. However, he could change his mind about this arrangement at any time, so I would make an appointment with a solicitor to talk through a separation agreement or divorce - I think Wikivorce is a good resource too.

As the parent, you would expect to have full access to your DD's phone, so you can monitor it for contact from the OW.

The bikinis would bother me - but I would just remind him that they will need a lot more sunscreen as a result and just breezily say 'I put them in one-pieces to make it easier'.

I notice he's not doing any overnights and thus is doing the absolute bare minimum of parenting. What a champion. However, given his behaviour and that of the OW you may prefer that he not have overnight contact.

Are you claiming UC or any other benefits you might need? (You don't mention your work situation.) Do that first.

If you're happy not to claim CM while he's paying the mortgage, fine.

You can't legally stop the OW being present whenever he has access. I would just grey rock the whole issue of her involvement. She's obviously being syrupy and OTT with the children to try to impress him. The novelty will wear off and it'll all calm down.

Mobile phone is different and you have every right to object to primary school children having phones if you're not happy. He can keep them at his. Or you can lock them away while they're at yours.

What access pattern do you actually want?

Other big issue is what will happen with the house long term.

As above

• nothing you can do about how he parents the children when he is with them unless its abusive. However, you can refuse to have his parenting choices at your home (ie the phones, the bikinis).
• While you currently have a very good deal, he could stop paying at a moment’s notice - he’s probably already taking advice on his long term options and your financial settlement. I think you need to focus on this for your own protection and to protect the girls. Gather up all the financial information you have, have a think about reasonable access/living arrangements for the children, and see a solicitor.

Agree with @LiterallyOnFire on the mobile phone front. Just because he gave them a phone doesn't mean they have access to my it when they're with you. Phones stay at dad's house or are turned off and put away when at yours and just given back to the children when going out the door to dad. They're too young to need them.

They are too young to need them, but it's a broken family. Perhaps the phones are a way for dad to FaceTime his kids when he's not with them?

Sure I get that but he doesn't get to decide what happens in her house. If she doesn't want them using them then he can't unilaterally decide they will.

Is the house in joint names? Are you both on the mortgage?
I think you need to register something with the building society/bank in case he tries to raise money by remortgaging.
I think you need some legal advice, because he could stop paying at any time, and drag your credit rating down with him.

I think the time he spends with them is ok but it depends if you are happy or not. My children did not do any overnight stays and I didn't want them to, I preferred them to be with me. They didn't want to either. They preferred just day times.

The trouble with the phone is that you should be able to have control over that and they will just use it for games and going online and get addicted. I would want to keep it away from them unless they are using it to call their dad. My son's dad bought him an ipad at a young age for facetiming him and my son got addicted to the ipad and wasn't that bothered about using it to talk to anyone.
It's a bit weird that she has this new woman as a contact but perhaps your daughter instigated that because she didn't know many people to add as contacts?

I'm not sure why they need clothes kept at their dad's house if they don't stay over? I also agree with others that paying for the mortgage might be more than you'd get for maintenance. However, without knowing how much your mortgage is - half of it, as he's still supposed to be paying towards it anyway - it's hard to know which is best as you do have 3 children.

I had a bikini as a child in the 70s so I don't have strong feelings on that. If you don't want her to wear it don't let her and talk to your ex about it.

In the nicest possible way it's best all round that the ow has a relationship with your dc, it'll happen wether you want it to or not, if she's blowing them kisses and they seem to like her then see it as a bonus. It would be a whole world of pain if she was horrid to them or they didn't like her.

As for the divorce, see a solicitor and kick it off. Also contact CMS to get child support sorted, it's better via CMS as it'll be accurate and mean it'll take away the emotional from it all.

It's difficult I know, been there and seen it, but try to take your emotion out of it.

Not really much wrong here other than it needs formalising.

so work out a proper childcare rota you both agree on and rules in place around major decisions like booking holidays etc.

you also need to get the finances sorted. You take on mortgage and pay him off, or sell house and split assets. Then work out maintenance etc.

with regard to ow. That’s up to him and nothing to do with you.

things like phones, if he is not seeing them often, then having a chance to call them is good for him and them so I don’t see a problem with that.