Family Trauma

[ItsFreedomBabyYeah]

Hi All

I'm very middle aged & I've realised I'm carrying around a massive amount of early/childhood trauma. It's heavily weighing me down.

I always thought I was doing ok & my past trauma didn't affect me, but I've since reflected it does, it has impacted heavily on my life & influenced certain aspects of who I am.

I never wanted to portray or see myself as a victim, yet I am. My question is; how do I heal from this? My abusers/perpetrators are still alive & I feel I will only ever be free when they are dead.

Who do I talk to? Who can help me unwind years of unhealthy, unhappy, toxic, people pleasing behaviour?

I hope this makes sense.

Sorry to hear that OP. I too had a bad childhood and I hate to tell you but you don't suddenly become 'fixed' when they die. Any bad habits or destructive behaviours will still be there along with the anger/rage at how you where treated.

So for me I have eating issues, destructive relationship problems, low self esteem, lack of confidence, inability to trust people, always expecting the worst etc

I think the only way to try to heal is lots or reading and/or therapy.
I don't know what type of childhood you had that has caused your trauma but I liked Beverly Engel - It's not your fault. She has lots of books but this is the one I started with.

Beverly was a victim of SA as a child but the book is good for anyone who has suffered any kind of abuse as a child and you will find is carrying lots of toxic shame about. I found her style of writing easy and straightforward and very applicable to me (I had emotional abuse, cruelty by a BPD mother and a depressed enabling father)

Unfortunately even with therapy and self help books it is a long, long road. I gave up on romantic relationships in my early forties when I realised I had to fix myself and I never really went back to them. Like you I didn't realise the huge impact my childhood had had on my life until I was older.

I find it hard too to think I was 'abused' as I always think 'nooo it wasn't that bad' which is a normal reaction to downplay it.

Anyway I hope Beverly Engel gives you somewhere to start your journey. I wish you well.

P.S. My mother told me she would haunt me when she was dead as she couldn't bear to lose her 'hold' over me even when she was dying. Still after a lifetime of 'you weren't worth the pain of childbirth' and 'you're a burden' and 'your dad wanted you aborted' and other such delights being threatened from beyond the grave was no surprise!

p.s. the only thing that helps a little bit is if your parents can admit to their treatment/behaviour and apologise but most don't/can't

Therapy helped me tremendously. I always saw myself as someone who wouldn’t benefit from talking about the past and bringing everything up. Until it came to a head. Actually therapy, a short solution focused 6 months or so, was incredibly helpful.

And taking power back. I set boundaries. I went NC with family. I started speaking up and openly about what happened to me. I had some people who cut me off for it, but I’ve had a huge amount of support for it. It’s no longer something someone else did to me. It’s about how I changed the narrative in my life and made something good come of it. It’s been incredibly empowering and I’m a totally different person that I was 5 years ago.

EMDR therapy has pretty much healed my childhood trauma and ptsd. I feel like a new person. I would highly recommend it. I’m in my fifties. I wish I’d discovered it thirty years ago.