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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I regret getting married

24 replies

Regret00 · 28/07/2024 22:31

We’ve only been married 9 weeks and I deeply regret it. My DH has turned into a bit of a nob who really doesn’t care about me.

I’m crying in bed alone as I write this. We had yet another argument tonight so I came up to bed to leave him to it and he doesn't even follow me to sort it out, even though he started it. I just feel as if he doesn’t care about me or my feelings anymore now that we’re married.

OP posts:
yhk · 28/07/2024 22:34

What was the argument about?

He wasn't this way at all before you got married?

Regret00 · 28/07/2024 22:36

@yhk um not really getting into what it was about as it’s irrelevant, but he was a lot more caring before marriage.

OP posts:
CherrySocks · 28/07/2024 22:38

How long did you know him before the wedding?

Lurkingandlearning · 28/07/2024 22:39

So are you going to leave him?

NotStayingIn · 28/07/2024 22:40

If you really think you’ve made a mistake I’d get out. Staying in a relationship to save face is a huge mistake. Sorry you are going through this. But it’s not your fault. Sometimes things don’t work out how we’d like or expect, but it’s not the end of the world if you own it, deal with it and move on.

BlueScrunchies · 28/07/2024 22:40

Without knowing anything about your relationship and assuming it has been generally good up until now… the only advice I have for you here is talk to him about how you are feeling, you have left the room and expected him to follow you, he might be thinking you need space to cool down so has left you to it. Communication is absolutely key, also don’t be afraid to ask him why his attitude towards you has changed since marriage. Some people do pump the brake on the effort once the certificate is signed, he needs to know you won’t accept that.

Garlickest · 28/07/2024 22:42

Oh, I'm sorry Flowers My advice is to quit now. If you're arguing and crying through your 'honeymoon period', it just isn't working. You're not alone, it happens more than you think!

I thought about quitting mine on my wedding day (he was being an arse) but stuck it out for a couple of years. Nothing improved,

Catlover1705 · 28/07/2024 22:44

It's very early on so maybe you're both adjusting to the marriage commitment. The first year can be hard.

Regret00 · 28/07/2024 22:45

It’s not that easy to just end it. It’s my second marriage and I have a mortgage with him and DC from my previous marriage who have been through enough 😞

OP posts:
CandyLeBonBon · 28/07/2024 22:46

Regret00 · 28/07/2024 22:36

@yhk um not really getting into what it was about as it’s irrelevant, but he was a lot more caring before marriage.

Of course it's relevant.

bossybloss · 28/07/2024 22:48

I remember my marriage being like this in the beginning. We had dated for five years, no issue. However when we got married it seemed the pressures piled on. 30 or so years later and we love each other to bits. I could never imagine being without him.

Cherryana · 28/07/2024 22:50

Did you just move in together?

Merging actual living habits can be tough.
I hated how my husband thought his family way was the ‘right’ way for everything from cleaning to making the bed to washing up. It was a complete drain. We did find a common way in the end though but we had some arguments along the way.

coldcallerbaiter · 28/07/2024 22:53

It cannot keep happening or you will get fed up and you will know when you are just not willing to take it. But if it is just one argument, then those happen occasionally. I would talk it through.

Salome61 · 28/07/2024 23:09

I watched Queen Charlotte on Netflix recently and remember her saying something about 'deciding' to love someone, every day. Can you go downstairs and make it up with him?

Peachy2005 · 28/07/2024 23:19

Ask him if he thinks getting married was a mistake. Ask him does he still want it to work. If he says it was a mistake and he doesn’t want to make it work then you know what you have to do. You can’t stay with him just to avoid more upheaval for the kids. If he does want it to work, then does he understand that things need to change from how they are at the moment?

TheBottomsOfMyTrousersAreRolled · 28/07/2024 23:30

Regret00 · 28/07/2024 22:45

It’s not that easy to just end it. It’s my second marriage and I have a mortgage with him and DC from my previous marriage who have been through enough 😞

Exactly. Your dc have been through too much to live with a nob. Why do you think he no longer cares about you? Is he behaving differently now? Or the same but you expected different?

Thoughtful2355 · 29/07/2024 00:14

He may have changed because he regrets it too. Maybe he's feeling annoyed and angry that he feels trapped now so to speak like he's made a mistake and has to live with it.

You need to ask him about how he's feeling about being married. I'd be divorcing for sure though

DaniMontyRae · 29/07/2024 00:20

Why do you expect him to follow you? If someone walked away from me during an argument then I would leave them alone as they've clearly shown they want some space. I think its more respectful that he hasn't followed you.

savethatkitty · 29/07/2024 00:23

You must have had some misgivings before the wedding...

I'm sorry sweetie, but if I were you, I'd end it now. Save yourself from more wasted years of heart ache, plus far easier to make a clean break before children.

If only I'd listened to my own advice....

Bettedaviseyes111 · 29/07/2024 01:15

9 weeks after getting married sounds like an issue… we’re you having problems before getting married?

My ex husband and I had problems with arguing etc before we got married and in hindsight we shouldn’t have got married at all… I think we expect marriage to be this big romantic event followed by endless happiness but actually it’s just still the same relationship.

That being said relationships do take work… so perhaps try and talk it through… it’s still early doors and if you think there’s longevity in it then try and work through it.

MonsteraMama · 29/07/2024 01:24

What you're arguing about is relevant. Bickering about household chores? Pretty normal, especially straight after marriage when the pressure suddenly piles on, and survivable with solid communication. Screaming and swearing blue murder at eachother because one of you cleared your throat too loud? More alarming. Context is important.

Can you go and have a candid conversation with him once you've both cooled off about why this arguing has started post marriage and what you both need to get things back on track? Because if you can't then you're probably right to regret being married. A marriage where you can't hash out your issues together is doomed.

DavidBeckhamsrightfoot · 29/07/2024 01:35

DaniMontyRae · 29/07/2024 00:20

Why do you expect him to follow you? If someone walked away from me during an argument then I would leave them alone as they've clearly shown they want some space. I think its more respectful that he hasn't followed you.

Agree. If you walked away then you ended the communication. Why on earth would he follow you?
If you wanted to continue talking you should've stayed

RawBloomers · 29/07/2024 01:59

You walked away and you wanted him to follow you? That sounds like you’re testing him, seeing if he’ll jump through the hoops you set (but don’t clearly tell him about) to prove he cares.

Why else do you think he doesn’t care about you now when he did before?

Is it sudden, or were there things happening before the wedding and you pushed them under the carpet, perhaps, hoping that it was just pre-wedding stress and things would be better when it was over? Have you been particularly stressed and, perhaps, not as reasonable as you normally are because of the wedding? Are there things about the wedding/wedding planning that didn’t go the way you want? That have made you a bit resentful?

Weddings are stressful, so if it’s just a bit of a post-wedding crash, approaching it in a calm way, not engaging in drama about trivial things, having some compassion for his stress and your own, etc. is the way to go. Talk about issues if they come up, but don’t push things. And plan some easy things you both like doing together (like binging a TV show together or getting a takeout you both love, regular things you used to do - not some big event or anything expensive or high pressured) to help get into a non-wedding routine you’ll both be happy with. Give it some time. Then when things have settled, go to marriage counseling and develop better communication skills between you so that future stressful events don’t go the same way.

But if it isn’t just down to wedding stress, if this is really something that’s been growing for ages but the wedding has masked, or a new thing you didn’t see before that won’t get better, get out now. It may be hard. Mortgages and kids are not trivial issues. But it will be better than letting things fester for ages and then doing it in a few years (or, worse yet, not at all and just living with misery).

Leanmeansmitingmachine · 29/07/2024 07:19

Regret00 · 28/07/2024 22:45

It’s not that easy to just end it. It’s my second marriage and I have a mortgage with him and DC from my previous marriage who have been through enough 😞

If they’ve already been through enough, don’t put them through more by staying with this prick.

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