Always something with DH - ADHD?

[Hellnawty]

Guilt is now making it increasingly hard to end this awful marriage to DH. If it is this, it might explain his addictive behaviour (drinking, porn, seeking out sex chat lines) , moody silent treatments, messing with my head when it comes to his forgetfulness or lateness, being insistent on the same family meals he cooks and not going out as it costs too much. Oh and no sex in an eternity!

I don’t feel happy, I’ve lost a lot of my fun self over the last few years. I’ve put up with a lot and felt like a nagging parent rather than loving wife. He’s happy to get lost in his own world of gaming nowadays.

I feel lonely but I’m now worried about his vulnerability and needs if I leave him rather than my own needs! I’m worried I’ll destroy him by leaving but I really feel like this marriage is beyond reviving! Does anyone have any advice? Thank you

It's unlikely to change. You can either stay together and focus on the positives whilst building up more of your own life (friends, clubs, see family more, find a new hobby, maybe a pet, whatever would make you happier)

Or you can leave if you feel like a loving relationship is something you need, which is perfectly understandable.
If that is what you need then don't stay hoping that things will improve.

Only you can decide what is best.

Drinking, porn, sex chat lines... Meanwhile he won't have sex with you? And no money for the two of you to go out!?

ADHD or no ADHD he is an adult and he is making terrible choices, on repeat by the sounds of it - and not addressing any of this.

We have ONE life, OP.

Leave 💐

You don;t have to stay with someone you are so unhappy with, regardless of whether he has ADHD or not. He sounds awful.

Thanks @SummerSnowstorm , I’m definitely staying because of guilt. I wish it would go away! I feel sorry for him as when he tries his best it feels like I’m kicking a puppy.

But despite numerous attempts to work on connection and wanting him to change, it never happens how I want it to be.

It's not a get out of jail free card, people with ADHD can still be manipulative..hence the 'kicked puppy" thing. If he really gave a shit about you, he would seek meds, therapy, or some sort of advice, to make life better for you both.. I speak as a member of a very ND household. He's choosing not to access those things. Not good enough at all. Not fair on you. Not loving.

You can leave, you are not obliged to be anyone's support human if it is destroying you. We each get one life .. Such a shame to waste it by not at least attempting to be more free, in my honest opinion. You can't save someone who doesn't want to be helped.

Does he have an ADHD diagnosis?

He's an unbelievable prick quite aside from any ADHD. Divorce him in a heartbeat.

This relationship doesn't have much chance of surviving long term Op if you're only staying out of guilt. If he can't, or won't, get help with managing his behaviour then it will always be more of the same. If you feel the need to divorce him then do it, guilt or not, or one day you'll wake up and the best years of your life will have been wasted.

My admittedly not detailed understanding is that ADHD makes you neurodiverse but no mention of it making you behave like an utter prick. It's not a free pass to behave hurtfully and disrespectfully to another human being. No one is responsible for his issues apart from him. You do you and be happy OP x

No it will not explain his bad behaviour and your generalisations of people with adhd are at very best, ignorant.

Exactly. We are ND but not horrible people with vile addictions and ways of treating people.

My relationship and what I’ve had to deal with regards to my DH behaviour is the issue here @Psychoticbreak . He has given me this insight following a discussion with his support worker who he still sees following his addiction. In no way am I deliberately or maliciously labelling those who are ND or ADHD.

I’m feeling guilty as if this is the case, it’s part of my worry that I’m abandoning him if he goes for an assessment. I have one life but I feel I’ll be judged.

Thank you for this insight into your experiences, I’m already feeling I have to do my research and understand him and his needs rather than my own. I always feel I get the bare minimum in return. Limited affection but it’s present for others. It’s hard dealing with the moodiness and issues he wants to talk about. I’ve tried to discuss my pain and feelings but I get shot down.

I have ADHD I could easily get lost in gaming and neglect a partner (if only I didn't have the responsibility of children!) but if it was raised with me I would care enough to address it. Does not matter if he is this way because of adhd or not you have the right to leave a relationship that you are unhappy in!

If you want to give it one last chance get couples councilling. And insist he quits all porn.

If you don't want to give it one last chance then have no guilt in leaving him. You have given this a good effort and you are worth more than this! No guilt assigned to you. Women need to stop feeling guilty for leaving shit men because of how the man will feel- what about you?

This. Don’t feel like you’re kicking a puppy. Boot it into oblivion for goodness sake then live your life. You only have one life to live and I certainly wouldn’t be spending it with an alcoholic who has a porn addiction.

You are NOT kicking a puppy, forget that right now, you are getting rid of a man who makes you unhappy,

Thanks @PurpleBugz it’s the care bit that is totally lacking. He gives the bare minimum affection to me almost always nowadays and then acts butt hurt when I’ve challenged him. Or worse, he’s got annoyed telling me I should be grateful that he provides for his family.

He just woke up and said, ‘I want you to know I cleaned the bathroom and put new sheets on the bed’. This would be expected for a partner but also considering today I’ve done five loads of washing, put out to dry, packed away, tidied downstairs rooms and kitchen, done the grocery shop. I don’t ask for a medal but he expects me to be grateful for what he has done. I am now going to bed racked with guilt that he has woken up like an enthusiastic child to say this to me and then got irritated when I wasn’t enthusiastically grateful.

You are willingly ruining your own life because you are choosing to stay with this loser due to completely misplaced guilt.

If I could physically shake sense into you, I would. I can promise you that your future self will be horrified and consumed with regret that you actually chose to stay with this man.

I’m grateful for your shaking because I really need it @Aquamarine1029 !! I need to get a grip!!

He’s an adult You’re not his mummy. You’re a partner who’s had enough 🤷🏻‍♀️

You’re no longer happy in the relationship. What you don’t know is how to break it to him and extricate yourself from him Does that chime at all?