Am I in the wrong?

[justme111]

Hello. .

I'm 20 weeks pregnant
Before my partner was with me, he had a 12 year relationship with a woman who had a son. (They had none together)

They split up 7 years ago. He hasn't spoke to her or her child (who is now 20) since the day he left.
He took their family cat with him.

This cat died this year. His exes son messaged him on FB sending condolences about the cat he hasn't seen for 7 years and said don't tell my mum I've messaged you (apparently)

This was months ago, but my partner only told me tonight he'd received contact.
I said why didn't you tell me till now and he flipped defending the lad, saying the cat was his family absolutely exaggerating and called me a fukin idiot the whole lot. He's told me my reaction is awful to question anything about this contact.

I'm upset. And even more upset that he's totally dismissed my feelings and told me this is all my fault x

I'm guessing your husband had put up a post about the cat dying and the son had managed to see it and sent the message?

It was just the son messaging and nothing bad was said.

Hmm he shouldn’t be speaking to you so rudely but I also think you are probably in the wrong - you seem to be wildly overreacting to a brief condolences message with a person who was a child when your partner was close to them. Ignoring the very worrying idea that he cut off contact with this child despite being a step parent to them for many years, having a little bit of perfectly normal interaction shouldn’t be a problem. It makes me wonder what about it is upsetting you? Does it feel like he might get in touch with the ex and then that scares you? You need to do some work on your own feelings and sort out what feelings are occurring because of your own issues (we all have them, this isn’t meant rudely) and what feelings are about an actual breach of trust by your partner. Maybe have a google and read about attachment styles.

I think this is ridiculous. I’m sure he didn’t put the post up expecting to hear from the son.

It’s nothing to do with you really is it?

Why should he have told you?🤷‍♂️

I'm not sure you've explained the whole story as there seems to be a gap

• a 20 year old offered condolences re a cat - that's fine, isn't it?
• your partner didn't mention it for months - the message was quite a trivial thing, did he need to tell you?
• you said why didn't he tell you sooner - ok
• he started to DEFEND the lad??? Did you criticise the 20 year old? I feel like there's a gap there?
• all of a sudden he is swearing at you - personally I wouldn't live with a person who called me a f**king idiot, which I would think a much bigger issue than a brief civilised contact with an ex's son

A wild overreaction. The cat was important to both of them, and it was a nice gesture from the ex stepson to send his condolences.

As your partner didn’t tell you at the time and you are angry at him ‘defending’ a kind gesture from someone who was his family once, I’m guessing you have form for being insecure and jealous and are hoping everyone tells you he’s done a terrible thing and if they don’t you’ll use being pregnant as an excuse for being unpleasant.

Before you all jump n make me out to be the baddie... he has contacted this ex whilst with me so yes I am insecure. He calls me names etc. so yeah I am

No one is saying your the 'baddie'. He's stupid if he's been messaging his ex but the son hasn't done anything wrong.

You said in your first post that he hadn't contacted the ex since he left, but now you're saying that he HAS contacted her??

There do seem to be issues in your relationship OP- him calling you names and getting angry when you asked him why he hadn't mentioned the message about the cat is not acceptable behaviour. And if he has contacted his ex during your relationship even though you aren't happy about it shows he doesn't respect your feelings.
I think the condolences about the cat is a bit of a distraction.I don't see the young guy did anything wrong contacting your partner. But I think there are definitely things in your relationship which don't sound healthy.

I'm not surprised you're having problems with him Op and feel insecure in his affections. A man whose capable of walking away from a relationship, taking the family pet with him and never speaking to the DC he lived with for 12 years ever again, well, let's say he's not a man who thinks of others, just himself. I'd think again about this man Op, I can't see a happy future for you

Ok so the only one not an idiot is the 20 year old

I fear for your dc. Two immature parents.

He had a 12 year relationship. They split 7 years ago. That makes 19. The young man is now 20. Something doesn't add up.
He hasn't been in touch with her, but has also made you feel insecure messaging her.

I don't think you should have challenged him on why he didn't tell you immediately. But also, no he shouldn't be shouting at you and calling you names. It doesn't sound like this is a healthy relationship on either side.

This! Especially him ‘defending’ the 20 your old.

also he called you a WHAT???

The 20 year old isn't his bio son

Youre not insecure, you are being abused. Leave before the baby is born. It will be much easier

It doesn't matter why he was upset, it's never ever acceptable to call you a fucking idiot or any kind of insult.

Your problem is you. You have tolerated a shit man who verbally abuses you by calling you names and who still engages with his ex. Why would you settle for this? The boy and the cat are irrelevant.

It's not acceptable to call you names and you'd be well within your rights to leave him for that
But regarding the ex, on that issue I think you are being very unreasonable. Why would he have to tell you who he messages or who messaged him?
Unless the content of the messages was inappropriate? In which case again, this is something to leave him due to.

OP, you have said both

He hasn't spoke to her or her child (who is now 20) since the day he left.He took their family cat with him.

and

he has contacted this ex whilst with me so yes I am insecure

People reading and reply only know what you have said. No point in getting snarky if you've misrepresented the situation!

As for the other stuff.

I can't see the problem with the lad messaging him tp express condolences about the cat. It was very thoughtful of him.

It's possibly.something I'd have mentioned in passing but also something that's easily forgotten about. I don't think that's a big deal either.

My partner's ex has two adult daughters. His ex died a couple of years ago and he found out because one of the daughters messaged him. I know there were some back and forth messages at the time and he went to the funeral. I have absolutely no idea if they're ever still in contact ever now.

The real question is why are you with someone who calls you names and makes you feel insecure? Because that is likely to be why you have a problem with the son messaging. Your 'partner' doesn't value, respect or cherish you.

You're focusing on the wrong thing.