should I do anything?

[neverenoughsleep]

well, me and dh been together 10 years and 2 dc.
He has never been able to take his drink well and used to get ht verbally nasty when drunk but had not for several years.
Last night he came home really drunk, woke me by hammering the front door(amazing the dc did not wake)and subjected me to 3 hours of nasty verbal abuse before passing out. He also smashed a glass on the floor and kicked some doors/cupboards and really frightened me.

I am shocked as I thought these days were behind us long ago.

I went to bed when he first got home but he just forced me to come downstairs and lisen to him by shouting and banging around. I was terrified dcs would wake so had to sit and take it.
What do I do ? He knows it is wrong but says it is the only way I will listen.
I am terrified the dc will see it one day.
Will he ever be able to control himself and never do it again ?

My (d)p uses that excuse at times.

Perhaps it is true, perhaps it is the only way you will listen to him or at least the only way he feels he has got your attention.

He has obviously got a lot of stored up anger and that is a very dangerous thing in a man.

Having said all that what he is doing is simply not acceptable.

Either you both find a way to sort out issues when he is sober and feels he will be listened to so that it will put an end to violent drunken outbursts or you end the relationship.

As I'm sure you are aware this situation is no good for anyone in your family, your dh included.

I am looking to end my relationship as soon as we can sell the house.

My dp has done that before while he was under enormous pressure from work and having a tough time with ex wife, he just cracked up and came home blind drunk, falling about, blaming me for everything that ever went wrong and even pinning me to the wall and other stuff before breaking down and sobbing like a small boy. I was so shaken I fled to our neighbour and the next day I sat him down after him calling me the whole day asking me to forgive him. The only reason why I took him back is because he went to councelling and he could release the anger and bitterness he had stored up.

kitty is right: it is unacceptable, he needs help (professional help) and the situation is dangerous for your dcs and yourself. If he doesn't change you will have to report him. Maybe speak to your GP in confidence so know one knows but it's recorded somewhere.

Wishing you a happy outcome!

Does he know how wrong he is - this is not the way to sort out the problems ever.

Did something trigger this latest episode?

I know it is wrong and I feel like a crap mother. If the dcs ever got involved I would never forgive myself.
He is an emotional person and accuses me of being a cold fish.
I cannot speak to him when he is like that as there is no use trying to reason with a drunk.
He is still in bed so not sure how he will be when he wakes up. He is usually still pissed in the morning after such an episode so I wont talk to him until much later on.
It has taken a long time to build up trust again as he has not done this for a couple of years but now I wonder if it will ever change.
I just wish he was not like this when drunk. Sober he is great.

You are not a crap mother. You haven't brought ths onto yourself NES. I know how these situations make you feel, I have been there myself.

Somewhere else was a similar thread and one MN said something I haven't forgotten: it is the same man you are talking about, sober or drunk he is still the same, do not kid yourself into 'splitting him up'.

Do not let him get away with this. Record it at your GP, so someone knows!!! And it will be totally confidential. Then sit your dh down and tell him of the implications of his behaviour on your LOs and yourself. Say you cannot take it and if he doesn't seek prof. help he will have to leave the family to give your LOs and you a chance to a healthy, threat-free life.

Don't lose heart my dear. It's not your fault, it really isn't. Make him seek help!

Is he always like this when he's drunk ?

Were the issues he was trying to talk to you about valid ones?

He was totally out of order but if he is an "angry drunk" and he has managed to control it for two years, I think that is quite an incredible thing for him to have done. Maybe this is a temporary blip?

I'm not saying you shouldnt be concerned but if he's normally great, hopefully its something you can work through. As long as he knows it is not something you will put up with.

I'm probably going to get slated for taking this viewpoint but guess thats what mumsnet is for !!!

he has got up now and is actually being reasonable.
I told him I would leave if he ever did it again as I will not run the risk of the dcs hearing/seeing any of that.
He used to do this now and again but has not for the last 2 yrs.
His grandfather was a nasty drunk which broke up the fanily so I think there is a genetic aspect to his reaction to alcohol

nes has he appologised and admitted that his behaviour was unacceptable or has he tried to justify it?

Are the issues he was going on about serious ones that do need to be addressed and is ith the only way you will listen? Perhaps now you need to both sit down and discuss the issues in a more reasonably manner with both parties sober?

An apology and a promise is not enough. He needs to seek help for this. I would say he needs an alcohol abuse support programme and counselling to work through his anger and deal with his emotions. It's not enough to say 'I'll leave if you do it again', so he doesn't for one, two, five more years, then the next time he hurts you or even the children, even if it's an accident, drunk people can be aggressive and hurt by accident, especially if he's smashing things up. You have to be firm. It's @I'll leave if you don't deal with this', not if you do it again.

"He knows it is wrong but says it is the only way I will listen"

does he mean that him getting drunk and ranting is the only way you will listen? I lived with someone like this and I did leave in the end. I am not suggesting you do, particulalrly as you say he has not been like this for a long time, but I do think you need to sit down with him sober and without getting angry you need to tell him that him behaving like this is absolutley not going to make you liste. Explain to him how scarey it is for you and your children.

How do you think he would react if you did this in a calm way?