I'm not sure if this is the right place to post this, but here goes anyway:
I am a single mum. I had to escape from my abusive husband when they were small. Thankfully, the children don't remember the abuse as they were too young when I left. He was violent and also psychologically and emotionally and verbally (and you name it) abusive.
Leaving him was the best thing I could have done for all of our sakes.
Thankfully, I have not seen him for years. He now lives in Africa (where he's originally from, although he does have British citizenship as well, as he was married to me).
He has seen the children twice in the last 5 years, both times in a contact centre and they were escorted by some good friends. He is supposed to be seeing them this summer again, but I don't hold my breath as he had arranged for a visit earlier this year and cancelled at the last minute. The first time, he arrived an hour late, and the second time he left half an hour early. Also, when he lived with us, he barely bothered with his children at all. He was so unbelievably selfish and self-centred. When he got a week off work after the birth of our dd2, he spent 99% of the time out of the house and with his friends, not with us at all. Despite all this, I know that he considers himself to be a good dad. He is deluded on many levels.
I'm just trying to paint a picture of his character. I know that many of your know just the type.
The children really enjoy seeing him at the contact centre. He's really fun with them there and loads them with presents.
But the thing is - he is now banging on about taking the children out for the day (i.e. not seeing them in the contact centre). This is such a scary thought for many many reasons. I don't trust him not to become abusive to them, or to his new wife in front of them. I don't trust him to drive safely (when he is in a rage, he thumps the steering wheel and yells and speeds, and there was a time he was driving on the moterway with one hand round my neck in the passenger seat).
But most importantly, I don't trust him not to abduct the children. Not that I think he could be bothered with them, but he has the notion that they 'belong' to him. He hates not being in control. He has specifically threatened to take them from me (in his rages, 5 years ago). If this happened, I don't know how I would ever find them again, as he lives in a country that is not bound by certain agreements with Britain.
So, I have various questions that I hope someone can answer:
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Any idea how likely he is to ever get them unsupervised, based on his history and the fact that he doesn't live in this country (he is very very convincing and sweet when he likes)?
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I want to try to think of ways to prepare (subtely) the children for the eventuality that he does try to take them out of the country. I am floundering because I don't want to scare them unnecesarily (sp), or say something that they may repeat to him. I just want to wise them up to the fact that some adults are not what they seem. That they can enjoy his company, but must absolutely NOT trust him, that they don't have to obey him if he is asking something that they know is not right etc. etc. I want to give them tactics (e.g. pretend to go along with him, but then go into the loos at the airport and get someone to fetch help or something). Do you know what I'm on about? I just want to do a course of 'stranger danger', but relating to someone who is not a stranger. Are there any childrens books or films that might help to make the point? I'm scared because he can be SOOO convincing, and I really really want them not to be taken in! Not to believe that he's ok, or if he says he's changed or whatever. Goodness knows what he would say or do to gain their trust, and then lead them away.
By the way, they are 5 and 7.
Sorry for waffling. I hope someone has some good suggestions. Thanks in advance.