Just don't know what to do!

[WhatamIthinking1]

Hi, (sorry longer post than planned)
I posted for the first time a couple of weeks ago & really appreciate the replies from that post. I'd just like to try and ask for some of further words of wisdom if that's at all possible? Hand hold needed please.

My situation is still the same with regards not having a clue what to do about my 'relationship' with my partner of almost 4 years. One question I do have for anyone who has been in a similar situation is, how do you know when to let go or when to keep trying? I know no-one can tell me what to do, but some advice would be appreciated so make me try and see a way though the cloud im currently in!

To try and keep it brief (not my strong point!!) we have been struggling for months, in fact it has been getting worse for a good year or so. I struggle with my mental health & have just been signed off work again as struggling to cope or focus on anything! I feel completely cut off from everyone (seems a bit of a double edge sword with regards work as that means I see people, but at the same time it sets off anxieties and I feel I need to get myself to a point where I'm not taking everything personally and also not feeling totally different to everyone else - hence needing some time to try and build myself into a better person, for my own good and more importantly for my daughter!). My self-esteem is shocking, I have moments where I think I can take on the world and just change my life around, but then reality hits and I just feel trapped, lonely, constantly angry, sad, lots of resentment and I hate admitting it but being jealous of everyone! I know jealousy and envy is 'the thief of joy' however I can't seem to tell my head and heart that on an everyday basis and I hate it.
I've just finished CBT which was extended but didn't seem to work and now have to wait to re-refer for a different type of therapy. Sadly I can't afford private therapy, I wish I could!

Back to the question of not knowing what to do. My partner absolutely adores me and is desperate for me to feel the same, however I can't cope with the neediness and clinginess - it just make me distance myself even more, which he doesn't seem to understand. I have been honest I'm struggling for a long time and keep thinking things will get better as I know he's a good man and I'm probably more harsh on him than I should be at times, but I can't help it as almost everything he does irritates me and I just snap at him for so much - that's my fault I know. However, I do feel like I've explained the issues so many times but as nothing changes, I just get more frustrated.
He actually wrote me a letter yesterday to express how much he loves me, how we can have the best life,, how he would do anything for me, take on extra work if needed, how we could have a lovely home (own together and a i've got huge visions for the house, but not got very far lol), how he wants us to go on holidays and make memories etc, etc.
How he knows he ruined things in our few months by ending things in a crappy way, just before our 1st xmas together due to being pulled back by his ex, with regards the kids and how he promised to spend the rest of our lives trying to make up for how he broke me.
All of the lovely things he has said I know I should be super grateful for and I guess I am, as I suspect not many men would do this (or those that would are already amazing husbands to some lucky lady), apologies if I'm wrong with that generalization. He also said he knows I don't feel the same and he wishes I would, how all he wants is to be loved etc and if I don't want him then I should let him know so that he can find someone who does. This of course is completely natural and what I want too, I just don't know why I can't see what's in front of me and why I don't feel the same towards him!? I worry I'm going to let go of a really good man, who will look after me (I guess something I'm craving for too) - however I need someone who does that but I can also have a laugh and have fun with too as just feel like we don't get on most of the time.

I can cuddle him now and again when asked as I love cuddles, but don't enjoy kissing him or being intimate with him and haven't for a long time - this I have communicated with him and been honest with how I felt. However as he craves a lot of intimacy, he has made me feel pressured a lot and gets turned on but the slightly of cuddles and is always saying he wants to make love to me.
I was busy yesterday morning with a couple of tasks and he was just hovering around, I asked him if he was going to watch me get dressed and he said 'probably' to which I had a go at him about and said why and he's acting like needy child. He advised it's because he missed me, loves me and just wants affection from me. Am I wrong to think this isn't a normal way to behave and that he needs to stop moping about and putting more pressure on?

My daughter gets on with him most of the time (typical 13 yr old), he has 3 sons, 2 of which we see, but I've never been able to bond with no matter how much and what I've tried. My daughter struggles with them too due to their behaviour and attitudes over the past couple of years. I know blended families are hard work, but I never expected it to be this hard and all I've ever wanted is a bigger family, I'm desperate for that family I've never had. Obviously I know my daughter and myself are a little family (if just us, which we were for years!) and I'm grateful and thankful I have her, but as she's growing up I'm struggling with that too, she's like my best friend and little side kick.
He suggested us all going on holiday this summer to try and build bridges, but I just worry it would be stressful, it would be them and us as we often now have to do things separate as the kids are just so different to each other. Plus my daughter has said she wouldn't go (no she's not spoilt & I'd make her try as don't think she gets to call the shots, but at the same time, I want happy fun times and feel I need to respect her too).

The letter he wrote of course made me cry and made me think am I the horrible, wrong person in this. But at the same time it just feels like it's all about him and his wants and yet again he just isn't listening to my wishes. I don't know if I'm just totally scared of ending things or if I do have deeper feelings (obviously I care for him) and I've just made a complete mess of it all.

Sorry just realised this is much longer than I wanted it to be and it's only skimming the surface, so will leave it there as feel i'm just waffling!

TLDR: how do you know when to end a relationship when you live together, you know he's a good man and he's trying? Is a man needing so much affection clingy/needy and a turn off or am I wrong? Am I horrible for feeling like it's all about his wants and feel like he's telling me what I want to hear, but actions don't follow? I don't know if it's my own self-esteem/MH issues getting in the way. How do I build myself up? Can things between kids in blended families every improve?

You don't need to improve yourself. Self acceptance is self respect.

You're not happy, so if you want to be happy, you have to make a change. There's no 'right' or 'wrong'. Who would have the authority to judge?

Oh, and your mental health issues aren't what's causing the problem. You are feeding them by judging your feelings as 'wrong'.

I’m struck by how little you have written about your feelings for him. Your actions (avoiding intimacy, getting irritated) reveal something about your feelings.

What are your feeling towards him?

Let him go. He's asked you point blank to let him go if you can't return his feelings. You're keeping him hanging on and you're wasting his time and your own.

I'm not getting why you're still together, you can't bear for him to touch you and find him an irritation.

' ... he promised to spend the rest of our lives trying to make up for how he broke me.'

This is not a good basis for a relationship, let alone as complicated a situation as a blended family.

Agree
Had to re- read ti make sure I'd not missed something.
You don't seem to even like him, let alone fancy him.
Doesn't matter how kind , generous, hard working etc he is.
No wonder you've got mental health problems. You're trying to force a relationship that doesn't exist. And spend time in the company of someone who seems to make your skin crawl ...
Remove him and see your mental climb and started living your best life.
The right partner will come along - if that's what you want?

you are being very unfair to him and ironically making it all about you, let him go and lt him find someone who appreciates hi.

Thank you for the replies,

With regards to my me not writing much about my feelings for him, I felt I had written enough and tbh was trying not to make it just about me as aware there are two sides however clearly from @mirrensidhe has written i've come across as it's all about me, so feel I've failed in this post.

To address my feelings for him, this is what i'm struggling with as I just don't know. I've been open and fair with him for a while, we've talked loads I've even said I'm done a few times and asked for space but as we live together and neither of us can afford to move out and he has nowhere to go to give me space, things just carry on and I can't seem to get the space I've asked for to give me that time to figure out if it's my issues and my own mental health issues affecting things, if I really have deeper feelings for him and just need to take a step back and space to see what I have or if we do just need to call it quits.

@BeachRide I know and I guess I've always thought this, but then i tell myself he's trying and that's important isn't it?

The intimacy side is something I've struggled with for a bit, however I again have tried to explain how I feel to him but just feel I'm ignored and not respected, which in turn hasn't helped at all and has made me back off more. For example, he cannot cuddle me without getting turned on, if I don't give him the attention he needs he ends up sulking and he has even admitted to realising he has done this over the past year or two, therefore there has been many times I've just given in as know he has wants and needs but I've often ended up in tears afterwards (sometimes he's been aware, sometimes not). I totally get he has wants and needs and that's why I try to be fair, but I've felt pressured so many times because its easier than the sulking. This behaviour just hasn't helped with attraction at all and surely most would feel the same?

With regards @mirrensidhe comment, I appreciate what your saying, however I have tried to be fair and ask for support/advice for myself, so of course it's going to seem a bit about me. I've no-one to talk to, no close family and I'm really struggling. One reason I've held of posting on here for so long is due to fear of being shot down. Like I said I appreciate what your saying and I do agree he needs to feel wanted and appreciated too. I do appreciate him and I've told him that, he knows that, he even said he knows how much I do for us all etc, he just wants a lot more physically than I can give him at the moment and sadly no amount of me trying to explain my feelings and wishes to him seem to have been heard as funnily enough it's actually all about him!

I appreciate everything he does for us and that's why I'm really struggling and lost, hence the title - not knowing what to do! I know no-one can tell me and I guess I need to get a thicker skin with replies and understand I'm not going to get replies that just agree with me (otherwise that would be pointless wouldn't it), I guess I just hoped there maybe others who have been in a similar situation and can advise from there. Not everything is always as simple as split up and move on.

As I think I explained in my initial post, I'm so torn as I know he is a good man, he is trying and for that I should be super grateful for that and I am.
I do appreciate what he does for us and I do find him attractive at times. However his behaviour/sulking, can be very manipulative (I've seem him be like this with his ex too when dealing with things with the kids), I don't find he makes me laugh etc that much, can't feel fully relaxed anymore around him, we don't seem to have much in common when it's just us added to the fact I'm longing for a family and unfortunately it still isn't the case with his children, just makes it all so much harder. I know nothing is easy but i don't think it should be this hard should it?

I'm actually crying writing this (again) as know deep down, I'm so unhappy yet I should be!! I've never had a 'normal' family/home life and I'm craving it so much. However well aware I also need to actually like myself and feel happy to maybe achieve this, sadly depression makes this so much harder!

Sorry I'm rambling and should probably just delete this reply, but feel it's best to try and explain a bit further. x

I forgot to add that I'm just feeling so lost, lonely and hate myself as well as hating thr fact I can't just be happy as well as being angry at everything (which i know is a separate topic) . I know I need to work on this and I guess I just want to be able to get a handle on life.
I just feel I'm good at looking like I'm happy, playing family life etc, when actually I feel so far from it deep down, which means I'm living a lie, I just don't know if that's down to the relationship as I've struggled on and off for years or not.

Sorry probably irrelative but wanted to add.

At best, this relationship has run its course and, notwithstanding two good people with good intentions, it needs to end - he is needy and clingy and you need space. Also, the relationship probalby is doomed if you really don't like his children and it's not fair on you, him or them.

However, there are quite a few red flags in your post.

The fact that you've told him that you're struggling with sex and intimacy and yet he won't give you any space, turns every cuddle into a sexual moment, wants to watch you getting dressed etc etc? That is awful and really, the whole, "I'm trying so hard|" thing is complete BOLLOCKS becuase this one is very easy... he wants to rebuild intimacy with you he has to stop treating you like a sex object and refusing to understand why you are struggling.

Sulking = total manipulative tactic to force the other person to back down and give in to what the sulker wants. It's completely unacceptable.

I'm also wondering why he only sees two of his chidlren? Does he have a "psycho" ex who keeps him away from the third?

Thank you for your reply and for pointing our some very valid points that I guess I know deep down isn't correct behaviour and not fair for me to accept.

I also really appreciate you saying it's not fair on either of us and I guess deep down maybe I k ow it's run it's course, but I guess I also wonder why it hurts so much and what I could have maybe done differently to stop it as I feel I've tried to communicate and be open about things.
I'm not saying I'm perfect and I'm not somewhat to blame, but I also feel I've tried to explain a lot for it to feel ignored and feel his needs are more important. It's made me feel like a horrible person tbh.

With regards only seeing 2 or his 3 kids, he does see the 3rd, but he's older and when we got together was a very difficult older teenager who had no interest in getting to know me, had his own life going on (as older teenagers do) & tbh his mum really didn't help the situation as she didn't want her ex (my partner) but clearly didn't want anyone else to have him and caused nothing but problems and drama between myself/partner and theirs kids from the off. I've tried not to get involved and have never messaged her etc as won't do that, but it's certainly made things more strained than needed that's for sure.
I'd been a single mum or a good few years and have had to deal with split parenting and my daughters dad getting a new partner twice/moving on etc, but her behaviour and nastiness towards me when she has never met me has been a lot to deal with. The younger two were tricky ages when we got together (7 & 10) so you can imagine as they've got older it's even harder, however as they are younger they had weekends with their dad.

I think the bottom line OP is that someone can be a very good man, the best man even, and still be the wrong man for you.

It’s not “one size fits all”, this one isn’t for you. That’s not necessarily your fault or his fault, it’s just one of those things, but you do need to let go so that you can both find YOUR person.

My mum always tells me you can be the biggest sweetest peach in the world, but there is still going to be somebody who doesn’t like peaches!

He might think he is showing his love, but he is putting the most enormous pressure on you, isn't he? He 'loves' you and wants 'affection' (ie sex) from you all the time and he never lets up.

Have you ever wondered whether he might be largely the cause of your mental health difficulties?

I'd been a single mum or a good few years and have had to deal with split parenting and my daughters dad getting a new partner twice/moving on etc, but her behaviour and nastiness towards me when she has never met me has been a lot to deal with.

If you've never spoken with her or met her, how do you know her behaviour was bad? If it's all from him, then I'm afraid it's ANOTHER red flag. I know a man who will tell anyone who will listen how impossible his ex makes it for him to see his DC. Funnily enough, I've had to pick up his DC on more than one occasion because he just hasn't turned up, usually because he's punishing her for some imagined infraction......

I'm not saying I'm perfect and I'm not somewhat to blame, but I also feel I've tried to explain a lot for it to feel ignored and feel his needs are more important. It's made me feel like a horrible person tbh.

This is another red flag. But even if you take it at face value, it comes back to the original point - this is not the relationship for either of you. You shouldn't feel like this in a relationship.

It does rather sound to me though like you're fully aware on some deep level that he's behaving badly, but somehow, he's convinced you that YOU are the problem? Pretty classic behaviour. Lots of DARVO and gaslighting. My favourite (not really) is when you are upset because of THEIR behaviour but if you dare to raise your voice, or say even ONE thing that isn't carefully considered that's it... you're the bad guy for days/weeks and the original issue is quickly and immediately forgotten in the shock and horror at your behaviour.

Ring any bells?

Thank you, this makes a lot of sense tbh.

Your mum is very wise, you are lucky to have her. I think every time I see a peach, this will xoke to mind now 😊 x

I was going to reply to each reply, but thought maybe best to do it in one, rather than multiple replies (sorry if that's not the best way)

@leeverarch You are right, it's put a huge amount of pressure on me, which has made me back off but he doesn't understand. Just keeps reminding me he has wants and needs too - which I've said I know he doe, hence the times in the past I have just given in. I'm just not anymore!

I guess in a way in may because contributing to my mental health as it just makes me feel even more invisible than I already do, feel like my wishes and thoughts don't matter and then it makes me look even more at everyone else and even though I know no-ones lives are perfect and what you see on show isn't always the truth, I just can't help feeling even worse about life etc.
I guess it doesn't help I've distanced from friends and have no close family so guess it's just really hard accepting just how alone i am

@NotLactoseFree it is mainly from him, i had one nasty message from her when we first but I ignored it. The rest has been via messages between the two which I've been told about and in regards the kids. There has been times however he's told me things about what she's said (not about me) & I've told him I understand where she is coming from tbh. She's just made it very difficult with the kids and when he used to advise about their behaviour at ours, she didn't care and never wants to listen, just shuts the door in his face. I try and keep out of it, but it's made me feel awful.

@IdLikeToBeAFraser that actually rings a lot of bells tbh!! He doesn't seem to understand that I get more annoyed and lose it with him, when as you say it feels like it's being deflected or I've had to remind him to look at the initial reason for a disagreement etc, but he can't.
I've told him recently he's manipulative and wondered if I was wrong in this, but I don't think I am.

You are right, deep down I know his behaviour isn't right, certainly isn't right for me and as a fee poster's have said, I guess it's a case of we are just not right for each other.

it is mainly from him, i had one nasty message from her when we first but I ignored it. The rest has been via messages between the two which I've been told about and in regards the kids. There has been times however he's told me things about what she's said (not about me) & I've told him I understand where she is coming from tbh. She's just made it very difficult with the kids and when he used to advise about their behaviour at ours, she didn't care and never wants to listen, just shuts the door in his face. I try and keep out of it, but it's made me feel awful.

I am not saying she's perfect. But, to use the example of the woman and her ex I mentioned originally where this could happen as you've writtten it, I've inserted HER view:

i had one nasty message from her when we first but I ignored it. - the woman I know wouldn't send anything I THINK. But there are two scenarios I can easily imagine a message going out. 1. for a long long time after they broke up, she still was suffering with her own trauma bond (still is I think) and has a weird habit of believing everything he says. So if was telling her stories, she MIGHT blame the new GF 2. The message isn't as "nasty" as you remember - it could be a warning that is really aimed at him but comes to you.

The rest has been via messages between the two which I've been told about and in regards the kids. - have you even seen the messages? Or heard any context. eg we know that he tells people that she has said he can't see their DC at time x or y. I also know that she HAS sent him really rude and unpleasant messages eg, "you can't just turn up whenever you like, that's not parenting. You're usless and unreliable". What might not be so obvious if you haven't seen the history or previous messages is this happens after he has just not turned up for pre-agreed contact time or, he's demanding times that are simply not practical or are unfair because of pre-made plans. This is particularly problematic as she has never managed to get him to commit to a set or consistent contact schedule and he truly believes that he should be able to turn up at her house to see the DC whenever he likes.

There has been times however he's told me things about what she's said (not about me) & I've told him I understand where she is coming from tbh. In my experience, this is a further sign of massively disordered thinking from men like this. They tell you a story from their OWN perspective and you still think it sounds dodgy.

She's just made it very difficult with the kids and when he used to advise about their behaviour at ours, she didn't care and never wants to listen, just shuts the door in his face. Honestly, what is she spposed to do about their behaviour at your house? It's up to HIM to parent his children. I bet she's not interested. she's probalby fully aware that his kids are upset, unsettled, confused by his behaviour and he's not a particularly good parent. she may also be dealing with the kids' behaviour day in and day out and be less than sympathetic. Again, in the case of my friend, he has been known to totally lose it with their kid and blame her. She is on her knees with their younger DC's behaviour, seeking support at school, investigating possible ND but fully aware that a bit chunk of it is trauma ... she's completely uninterested in his whining about his one 2 hour slot every fortnight being ruined.

He may be a good man but that doesn’t mean he is the right man for you. The relationship sounds absolutely toxic for both of you.

he promised to spend the rest of our lives trying to make up for how he broke me

This is totally the wrong foundation for a healthy relationship. You obviously cannot regain your feelings for him and he shouldn’t be made to spend his life repenting for a poor decision early in your relationship.

You need to go your separate ways and release each other from this awful situation.

@WhatamIthinking1 Yes, pretty classic. Along with whinging about "it's not fair" or "I can never do anything right" or "I have needs too".

At the end of the day though, he seems to think that you should be having sex with him whenever he wants, that he should be able to grope you whenever he wants and, if you resist, that YOU are somehow infringing on his rights? Ick ick ick.

You sound incompatible OP. Your relationship has run its course and the pressure he is putting on you, plus the continual pestering for sex and attention is negating what you say about him being a good man. A good man would listen to you and stop trying to get you to change to suit his needs.
I think your mental health will improve and you will feel much better if you part ways. He has made if plain what he wants and you can't provide it, so best for both of you to end the relationship.