How to earn back trust and manage my anger

[Mamma1456]

I've had 2 meltdowns in 2 months. The second one came about through a combination of illness, pregnancy, SEN child pushing my buttons and unable to leave me alone, all of which I can normally manage, but DH was making demands on me too which was the trigger both times. But I do understand that any loss of control is still on me.

I wasn't physical with them, but the first time I screamed at DH and slammed a door on him, and the second time was directed at DS' room, though the anger I was feeling was at DH rather than DS. But I know I scared the life out of DS. His tears snapped me out of it and I was able to comfort him. I know I set a terrible example to DS of how to manage anger.

I suspect I am ND too, which is not an excuse, but some of the strategies I use with DS, I use on my myself too, in terms of trying not to let things escalate to dysregulation and meltdown. I spend a lot of time using gentle parenting to manage DS' anxiety and helping him feel safe. I also spend time on strategies when I feel angry and frustrated, so I can manage my own feelings when I'm with him.

But I don't know what to do on the occasion when everyone is pushing me and I have nowhere to escape to and the rage takes over. It only takes one incident to destroy all the trust I've built with DS. DS seemed fine soon after, though I'm aware that any emotional damage I've done to him may not be evident right away.

I feel like I've lost DH's trust. I don't know how to make amends. He says he's only seen me like that twice in the years we've been together and it scared him. We tried to talk it through but he keeps saying he doesn't know what to say and I found that upsetting, so I've walked away.

Please be gentle. Any advice is welcome.

But I don't know what to do on the occasion when everyone is pushing me and I have nowhere to escape to and the rage takes over.

You have to recognise these feelings developing and step away before things escalate. There is a point when stepping away becomes very, very difficult because adrenaline takes over and you have less self-control.

The key is de-esculation and catching the feelings early, to step away.

It's a good idea to mutually agree a dual plan with DH what one spouse will do if they spot the other spouse escalating. You need a safe phrase, or behaviour, that the other knows is meant kindly and with no judgement, but means "step away and let me take over gor a bit - I'm still on your side though. I got this"

I think I'm also worried about when we have a new baby as we both struggle without sleep, and managing the needs of SEN child on top of that.

I did recognise I was dysregulated but I didn't feel I could ask for DH help in the moments before because he was ill too, and he tends to be more snappy with DS. As it turned out I snapped in a much worse way than DH did.

We actually do have a plan, with a phrase to swap over when we recognise the other is not managing. I think on this occasion he could see I was struggling but he was still making suggestions that triggered me further.

Part of me wants to say to him "it's your fault for not sticking to the plan and making demands on me" even though it's not fair or right.

I can tell from your phrasing that you're looking gor validation and to be told its not your fault, implying the blame us shifted to DH.

I do understand why you feel that way. I've deliberately stepped away from doing that thought because developing a blame/shame culture within parenting doesn't achieve anything positive. Instead focus on your own behaviour to your son, and separately your own feelings and behaviour in your relationship.

If you feel that your DH didn't have your back, that's an important conversation that is needed. Maybe you need to revisit your mutually agreed de-esculation plan.

Having a child with additional needs and a baby is going to be hard. You need to support each other through that. Do you think DH will support you?

I'm not looking for validation - I already said that part of me wants to blame DH even though I know that's not right. I feel ashamed of how I acted but I don't know what to do about it.

I actually want advice on

1. What I can do to stop this in the future. Anger management course? I feel like in terms of planning for dysregulation that I've done everything I can think of! DH mostly has my back. But there's the occasion like the most recent one when we're both tired and angry. Often DH being the irritable one makes me more aware and of the need to stay calm. But I think I was too far gone this time.

2. How do I make amends to DH.

3. Do I need to do more with DS. We spent most of yesterday and today cuddling and he seems happy enough now.

Instead focus on your own behaviour to your son, and separately your own feelings and behaviour in your relationship.

He's verbal but very delayed with language. I've apologised to him for being angry and that I'm not anymore.

Having a child with additional needs and a baby is going to be hard. You need to support each other through that. Do you think DH will support you?

Yes mostly, but I think tiredness makes us both pretty grumpy people. I'm very worried I'm going to be a much worse mum to DS. It's not too late to terminate even though it's a much wanted baby.

Have you a place in the house you can escape to eg bed with a weighted blanket so you can go there and curl up for a few minutes to calm down. You have a lot on your plate at the moment so it's important to be rested as much as possible, eat well, take some vitamins and iron anything that makes you healthier and stronger. Do things when you can that fill your tank: walk outside/ spend time in a room alone..you know what helps you most. Your ds will be OK but it's not good if it happens too often. All you can do with dp is apologise, take ownership and leave it. As you feel you may be ND maybe go for a diagnosis as those around you may have more compassion and understanding if they realise its your autism that may be causing the stress.