AIBU to resent my partner spending so much time with his friends?

[Kathleen995]

Hi all,

Some background: I’m currently 7 months pregnant and have an almost two year old. My mental health hasn’t been great recently (which my partner knows about). I feel completely exhausted, have basically no local friends and just feel really overwhelmed with everything. I had prenatal depression in my first pregnancy and feel completely shit in this one too.

My partner and I ended up having an argument a couple of nights ago because he casually mentioned he and his friends are now planning to get together every two weeks for a midweek dinner to catch up as it’s “important” for all of them to keep up contact etc. He already goes golfing with them probably every second or third weekend, and sometimes will meet them for a drink during the week. He’s also going on a golf holiday in November, when our newborn will be around 6 weeks old and I’ll be left alone with the toddler and newborn (hoping my mum can help out.)

So I questioned why this fortnightly dinner catch up was such a priority for him when our own relationship seems to have been on the back burner for quite some time. I admit I’ve not been the best at trying to put energy into it because I am so flat out with my pregnancy, hormones all over the place and running around after a 22 month old while working full time and freelancing in the evenings to help fund maternity leave (thanks again, SMP!).

However, I feel I would absolutely LOVE if my partner was to suggest we do something every couple of weeks just us, if our relationship was the priority in the same way his friendships seem to be (a bit of context, he’s always been very very close to his group of friends, who he grew up with, to the point where it has caused a few arguments between us over the 10 years we’ve been together as he seems to prioritise them a lot, while I never go out in the evenings or weekends because
I have no local friends to do that with. I acknowledge I’m probably a bit jealous of his situation and wish I had a local friendship group, too.)

His defence is that if he cut back on spending time with his friends, his mental health would suffer and he wouldn’t be able to support me as much. (I don’t feel particularly supported emotionally I should add, but we do split childcare and housework fairly equally.)

I feel that part of the problem (which I have communicated to him several times over the years) is that our love languages are different. He receives love by me showing it - ie by cooking a meal or cleaning the kitchen or encouraging him to go out etc, whereas all I crave is for someone to just make me feel special - a spontaneous hug or kiss, a note, an unexpected gift, a date night arranged. Despite me making an effort to speak his love language, I feel he makes little effort in speaking mine. He’s never once left me a romantic note or given me a spontaneous gift, he never ever compliments me and doesn’t ever just send me a text to say he loves me, he appreciates me, I’m doing a great job, etc. I’ve communicated this to him several times and he hasn’t made an effort to change, so maybe I’m insane for continuing to hope. Even on my birthday recently, he bought me a couple of nice but average gifts and hadn’t organised anything so I had to ask my mum to look after our son and then booked a restaurant for lunch myself on the morning of my birthday…

It’s got to the point where I feel like our romantic relationship has pretty much broken down (we rarely have sex as I have no desire for it and am too uncomfortable - the last time was about 6 weeks ago) and I feel kind of like we are flatmates. He knows I’ve been struggling with my mental health but doesn’t check in with me to ask how I am or send me supportive or loving messages. He also expects me to take it in turns getting up with our toddler in the mornings, which I haven’t contested yet but given I’m more tired than I’ve ever been in my life, I feel like it would be a nice gesture for him to offer to do more of the mornings or tougher parts of the day like bedtimes etc which are quite physically demanding for me now. Just to make my life a bit easier?

Basically, I feel like our relationship now revolves around childcare arrangements for our son; I feel emotionally unsupported and like the emotional and physical burden of being pregnant (with a toddler to run around after) isn’t being fully appreciated by him and he doesn’t seem to really want to support me or do anything thoughtful for me. He seems to get most of his enjoyment from spending time with his friends (all childfree I should add) and playing golf, instead of spending time with us.

I just feel really lost and alone and feel like things are just going to get so much worse in a couple of months when the baby arrives.

Am I being unreasonable to resent him prioritising these fortnightly catch ups with his friends while he’s never once suggested something similar for our own relationship?? Can our relationship recover from this, and will he ever be able to emotionally support me in the way I need, want and crave? I feel so lonely and like I’m just stuck in a relationship that’s become void of any romance.

I don’t think the issue is really him seeing his friends; I don’t think it’s overly excessive how much he sees them and is similar to how much I see mine and I’d be resentful if my DH expected me to limit this.
i think the issue is more about how you feel about the relationship and that’s completely valid: how does he show his love for you? And if you said that you feel unsupported how would he respond? The way I’ve understood love lanaguage aren’t that he needs to change how he expresses his love but for you to know how he does so you can recognise it.
Also I’m now coming out of the other side of the baby and todddlef years with two DC and it’s so hard to keep sight of your relationship in that time due to everything you’ve said

I'm sorry you find yourself in this situation, and think you have every right to be upset and feel the way you do.
Totally ridiculous to need a fortnightly dinner with friends given he already has regular catch ups with them.What nonsense. Is he planning on carrying on like this when the baby arrives?
Don't get me wrong, it is of course important to look after friendships but this is over the top and not fair on you.
No wonder you are tired working full time and freelancing on top whilst pregnant and with a 22 month old. Urgh I'd be wrecked.
He needs to step up and prioritise you a bit more. No particular suggestions I'm afraid but wanted to show some sympathy and support!

His friends - by extension YOUR friends - are all you will have to support you through the ups and downs (and childcare) of life. DH stood by me throughout my pregnancy but I encouraged him not to become like some of my friends who would throw fits if their DHs dared to leave them alone at home preggers or with a baby. In one case, one husband stopped being invited out and my friend regrets her actions. They were not invited to several weddings and he was not made godfather to any of the other children.

As much as I get on with them, they’re not ever going to be “my” friends. And I wasn’t talking about him not seeing them, the post is asking if a few times a month seems a bit excessive given I can’t remember our last date night…. I think he’s doing pretty well for himself seeing them basically once a week while he has a heavily pregnant partner with poor mental health and a very active two year old.

The thing that stood out for me in your post OP was that he said his mental health would suffer if he cut back on spending time with his friend's.
Well you weren't asking him to cut back on meeting his friends: you were asking him not to introduce more socialising with them on top of the socialising he already does. That is totally different.
And what about your mental health that would suffer if he does increase his socialising? That is obviously not important to him.
It sounds to me as though he is not investing much in your relationship and his friendships and the lifestyle he has with them is more important than you and his family.

I know what you mean and how you feel now, but over time my DH's friends married, had kids and 20 years on my DC go on holiday with their kids. One friend of DH that I never particularly rated married a lady who is probably now my best friend and we do lots together as a four.

Why are they her friends?

Doesn't appear they are - no mention of seeing them

But that isn't the OP's situation that she is in right now

So telling her to put up with it just in case friendships come from it (highly unlikely as she doesn't see them and there is no mention of partners) isn't especially helpful

I read a similar thread to this the other day. It doesn't sound excessive or unreasonable for him to meet up with friends on a fortnightly basis , on a weeknight too and not a weekend. The sport once every 2 or 3 weekends is also reasonable too. The issue is, what do you do? Where is your time, or hobby, why don't you have any local friends? Have you moved to a new area?.

I don't think you would be so resentful if you had your own things going on, it sounds like you are stuck at home all the time, and that's what you resent.

You can react to the present only or you can consider long term consequences. It's up to you how you want to lead your life. My advice is not to burn bridges. I suspect I'm a fair bit older than you and admit I have the benefit of hindsight.

I agree it would be beneficial for op to have her own friends.Op could join a mother and baby group for example.It is not healthy to be in a relationship with no friends of her own getting jealous of her partners friends.Op could get a babysitter and join her partner for golf maybe or arrange a date night herself with her partner maybe ?

He sees them around 3-4 times a week! That's excessive when you've a pregnant gf at home and a toddler.

Exactly, if it's not happened in 10 years especially whilst they had more time and were kiddie free, it's unlikely to happen now.

I would be having a proper serious sit down conversation with him. Say you don't care if he sees his friends etc but you'd like the sane effort putting in to your relationship, somedays you might be exhausted and it could just be he puts little legs to bed, you order a take away and watch a movie or something together. Or on a weekend have a family day. Or anything. If he can make the effort for his friends he can make the effort for you. Does he spend much time with the toddler? It sounds like to me it's all put on you and he doesn't do much with them either... how can these men just go away wheb the babies are here, if never wabt to leave my baby at that age for a minuet let alone a weekend

Him seeing his friends that much is not excessive and long term I think it is unwise of you to make an issue of that - lots of men completely withdraw into social isolation post children and it's a good example for your kids to see their father with an active social life and being a person in his own right.

It seems like your main problem is that you yourself are lonely outside of the relationship amd you're expecting your partner to fix that for you. If I were you I would join antenatal groups, learn a language or join another community even online - anything to broaden your social horizon. That will take the strain off your relationship being expected to provide that - right now it seems like you expect to have all your needs fulfilled by a relationship, when humans need multiple social relationships to thrive

You suffering in pregnancy is another matter - it sounds like your relationship is very balanced in terms of responsibilities which is a good thing, so he is probably set in the 'I do one morning, she does another' pattern. Have you explicitly asked him to take more mornings and explained how hard it is for you being pregnant? Men often need this spelling out.

All that being said, he should NOT be planning a holiday when the youngest is six weeks old and to be honest I think he will end up cancelling it once he realises how hard going from one to two is