Fed up of family not making the effort

[CranberryHedgehog]

My family rarely make the effort to come and see me. They see anywhere as further than 30 mins away as "too far" and is more like holiday destination kind of distance. I live 3 hours away from them which means they never come and see me and I always have to go and see them. Even when I lived 40 mins away from them it was still too far. Their idea of a compromise is driving 1 hour and myself and DP driving the other 2 hours to meet in what they class as "the middle". My sister said she was going to come and see us but then said it was too far to travel. I know I shouldn't be surprised but it's still hurt to be told no it's too far and not worth the travel. I'm fed up of always having to be the one to travel and just wanting to give up if I'm honest. Anyone else in this situation?

Sadly, I think if you are the one who moved 'away' this is generally the case.

We live a long way from DHs family. Roughly 10 hours drive. They've been to see us once in 25 years. We always have to do the travelling and we do it 2 or 3 times a year to see the inlaws.

I also have adult DC who have moved away and rarely go to visit them. DD can come stay here if she travels up - whereas I have to do a 6 hour drive and stay in a hotel. It gets expensive.

Can I ask if you have a bed for her to stay in? My parents don't so it's sleep on their living room floor or pay for a hotel.

I feel like it's super frustrating for me that my DP and I work full-time so have to take annual leave / travel over a weekend to see them. My family don't work (long time unemployed) so can easily travel up on a Friday morning and travel back on a Monday if they wanted to.

I live 1.1 miles; 6 minutes from my parents.
They have been to my house 6 times in 13 years.

This year I finally had enough; after posting on here about other issues; people told me to stop making so much effort and distance myself.
I hadn't been over to see them in 3 months - when I did go over last week for something; my mother was sarcastic and said "oh I only have to wait another 12 weeks to see you all" (me and dc)

Honestly, I just give up because they can't see they make 0 effort so I have now stopped any effort of my side and they still can't see. It's down to them now.
The fact is they cannot be bothered and I'm not a priority to them - so I'll treat them how they treat me and that way I can't get hurt.

We're about 1.5 hours drive to relatives, and they stopped making an effort to make plans a few years ago. I still see them at bigger family occasions but have stopped trying. The ball is in their court. Admittedly harder when it's your actual parents.
I also read on here about matching the efforts of others, it was good advice :)

Just dont visit if you don't want to, no one is making you.

My family don't work (long time unemployed) so can easily travel up on a Friday morning and travel back on a Monday if they wanted to.

Can they afford it if they are unemployed? To be honest, 3 hours each way is quite a long way and not something that I would fancy doing very often.

You're not good with empathy or human relationships, are you?

These are HER PARENTS ffs.

OP - have you posted before? I recall a very similar post not too long ago, and that distance was also 30mins.

@Mum2GirlSs Unbelievable. They're either not bothered with you, in which case they're failing their parental duties, or this is some kind of weird power game they're playing with you.

I’ve been married 36 years and in all that time inlaws who live 2.5 hours away have visited 4 times and sil and her family once.
Yes we do have room for them to stay but as another poster said when you move away you are expected to travel.

No, I've not posted before. First time posting about the relationship with my family.

and she is saying she doesn't want to visit them! its up to her, isn't it. Either visit or not, whatever you prefer,

I think my parents might have visited me around 3 times in 30 years. I visited them 6 times a year. I didn't have to. I chose to

I'm so sorry @Mum2GirlSs that's rubbish 🙁

Thinking about it, I used to live about 10 mins drive away from them with an ex partner and I don't think they visited me much then either. I didn't drive at the time so it was a lot easier for them to come to me than vice versa.

That's good advice @YearsofYears. I think if I matched their efforts I'd see them once every few years.

Not sure @Valid8me on the expense. I think so. They've been abroad a few times recently so I don't think they're too badly off. I know they've definitely got savings as they've discussed it with me before.

See I don't view it as my responsibility to travel all the time, not when it comes to immediate family relationships. I think those relationships should work both ways. I wouldn't mind if it was say for every 3 times we travel, they travel once. But with my parents it's we travel all the time and once in a blue moon they may travel for an hour. We have family on DPs side who live a few hours away and we both travel to each others town. We have a mutual desire to see each other so I can't imagine saying no we can't go and see them as they chose to move that far.

I think I just know that if I didn't visit them, I'd never see them. I just wish it was a bit more shared on the travelling and feels like they're just not bothered about making the effort. They suggested coming to see us once but then never responded when I tried to actually arrange dates.

@EarthSight - I honestly couldn't tell you which one it is - I'm beyond trying to second guess them

@CranberryHedgehog Yes, she's got a bed. The DC all had their own bedrooms, and since they've moved out/away we've put a KS bed in each of them so that they can come and stay with their partners whenever they want. I genuinely wouldn't expect anyone to come stay if they had to sleep on the living room floor/sofa. I wouldn't want to do that, so why should anyone else?

They are all working and have more disposable income than we have now. We are retired/low income and don't have great health if I'm honest.

That's a lot more understandable @Hatty65 when you've got a bed but they'd need a hotel to stay. My parents see no issue with me staying on their floor and are somewhat offended when I try and suggest I want to stay in a hotel. Their house is freezing cold, even in the summer it's cold, it just doesn't seem to retain heat at all so I don't particularly like sleeping on their floor. Not that I'd be too keen on sleeping on their floor in the warm tbh but it's just an added reason why I don't like it.

3 hrs if quite long in the U.K, but can't they make it once a year? Is there a train they could catch? It's much nicer to spend your time watching a film or reading a book whilst travelling than driving in my view.

Hard agree. You can only do so much when you work too. My friend has to commute home but says the parents elderly (3 hrs train). Hard when its one sided though

To be fair I agree 3 hours is long but yes even if they made it once a year I'd hugely appreciate the effort and it would mean so much to me. They absolutely could catch a train but won't. I think they say because trains are much more expensive than driving then they won't do the trains, which I do understand but equally if they feel they can't drive that far, I'd rather them take the train less frequently than never come at all.