I only attract abusers

[Kangeroosong]

This might make me sound ridiculous but I honestly just don't know what a normal, respectful, healthy relationship is like.

My two most serious relationships have involved abuse directed at me. My first boyfriend used to control me, tell me what to wear, cheat on me, threaten to kill himself if I broke up with him, cut his wrists several times when I told him I wasn't happy with him, used to sit outside my house waiting for me to come home, turn up when I was out with friends. Just horrible.

My husband has called me the most awful names, threatened me and locked me out the house in front of our children, physically picked me up and out me out the door, broke my phone, went through my phone, again, just awful

I finally realised what he was doing and I've left him.

I feel like I suddenly know all if this isn't normal. I deserve to be treated properly. There's nothing wrong with me.

But why have I attracted these assholes. Why does it happen more than once. I'm scared ill only attract men like this.

I hope to one day find a decent man who'll treat me properly but I don't know how.

What are your decent men like and how did you know they were good ones? What do your healthy, normal relationships look like?

I've been with my abusive husband for years and I got so lost in the marriage, I thought it was all not that bad until he really overstepped and now i see it all.

Forget about men and focus on your career and your kids.

I'd be wary of introducing another man into the house with kids there anyway.

my first real boyfriend punched me in the face when we broke up because I caught him texting a girl to meet up, 2 years later I met someone else who I thought was amazing and he turned around and strangled me one day while I was 8 months pregnant with his child, I was really depressed after these two incidents happened so close together and while I was very young, (18-21)

I thought I was the problem, like I was inherently unloveable that men wanted to hit me, luckily I realised that it wasn't true and my now fiancee is the kindest most gentle man I know, it's not you. It's not the men you choose in general. It's those specific men. Just be more vigilant at spotting red flags in future because I promise you, they're there if you really look.

my sons dad told me on our first date he was the most selfish person he knew. I should have believed him. 😂

I'm not going to go out and try and find someone now and certainly not introduce anyone to my children.

I'm talking about way in the future.

I don't want to be alone forever...

If you grew up in a dysfunctional household, dysfunction is your normal, and something you're comfortable with if you never had healthy relationships modelled to you. Is this the case for you?

That's awful, I'm so sorry that happened to you.

I feel an idiot now because when I look back there have definitely been red flags, but they were sporadic and I let them go because they didn't happen much and he was drunk or he'd make me belive it was me ect ect.
He just got worse and worse until the incidents were daily and until he went way too far. But I know I should have left ages ago.

I guess if you have a decent guy, there aren't any red flags to ignore...? I guess they show early on

Not really.
I had a very good/normal childhood I'd say.
My dad had an affair and parents split but other than that nothing too out of the ordinary.

Can't really remember my parents together but no abuse or violence or anything..

OP you didn't have good boundaries, you didn't spot the red flags and you probably come from an abusive background so their behaviour was very familiar.

It's so common so go straight from one abusive relationship into another. A predator can sniff vulnerability a mile off and your self esteem will have been on the floor.

Abuse also tends to happen gradually over time so before you know it you're a prisoner. Abusers rarely say hi and punch you in the face.

If you come from an abusive background, you often miss red flags others would run from such as controlling behaviour you might interpret as care.

I recommend you do the Freedom Programme in a group setting. It helps you navigate relationships and teaches you healthy behaviour. I also suggest you get some books on boundaries and assertiveness and read up on red flags. You might also find counselling helps, specifically counselling for trauma or survivors of abuse.

We all attract abusive men. We're in shark infested waters and some of them look like dolphins.

Some things you can work on:

Not actually wanting a BF. You don't need one. Make lots of female friends, as many single woman around you as you can and fill your life.

Spotting the little signs early and acting on them. You know when people on here say 'MNers are too quick to say "LTB"'? Be that MNer. No letting little things go.

Very very good boundaries. No doing their housework or wife work. Expect them to be equal partners and decent humans. At all times, in all places, with all people.

Even then you aren't safe but you could be slightly safer.

For me I think the biggest and most obvious indicator sometimes of whether someone will be abusive is how they handle conflict/disagreement.

Obviously this isn’t fool proof, but when you have your first argument after the honeymoon period I do think there are often signs which we overlook because “we’ve been so happy up to now, he only shouted at me/swore at me/ignored me for a few hours” etc, it’s always subtle but it’s SOMETHING and that something escalates over time.

My husband is kind, gentle, he adores me and I adore him. Even when we’ve had our biggest fall outs and arguments he has always been respectful and never given me reason to think he doesn’t love me.

I kinda feel the same way so stayed single .

i do suggest you look at the freedom program . It will help you notice the red flags .
well done for getting out

I too was in a very abusive relationship and when that ended I had a short relationship with another man who wasn’t right for me.

I do come from a dysfunctional family and I realised I was settling and putting up with things when I was worth more,

I then had to support my eldest son in an entirely different environment (connected with his work), this environment was very alien to me and I’ll be honest I was out of my depths, but, as mums do - I braved it through and whilst helping my son - I met a man I’d never have met in my previous lifestyle and 10 years on we are still very happy and never did I think my life would be like this.

If you always do what you’ve always done- you will always get what you’ve always got.

i have not read all the comments, but i went through what i call my 'dark years' abusive relationship after abusive relationship.. some were bad, others were really really bad. even when i got out of my worst violent relationship, i ended up with another controlling and violent man, and then another.

a friend said to me one day 'if you always do what you've always done, you will always get what you've always got'.

you have to think about it for a while.. and i did.. i decided to stop chasing 'my types' and dismissing those who were not my type.

the man i met was so far from what i would normally go for... and we've now been married 11 years.. i tell everyone this story... sometimes WE have to change

I sometimes think my empathy is too high.
I always tried to see it from their point of view and excuse their behaviour. Like my husband having an abusive dad so it's not his fault ect. I know that seems mad.

Even now he's messaging me asking if I love him still and I feel guilty for leaving. Which again makes me sound so weak and ridiculous.
But I think that's why I've found it so hard to leave. I should have gone the very first time but I excused the behaviour for years because I loved him and I felt sorry for him and wanted to help him.
Absolutely insane when he clearly didn't care for me at all.

I have empathy for sharks. They are beautiful and misunderstood animals.

I don't take baths with them and I don't offer up my leg as a chew toy.

Empathy is a fine thing. But you have to start with care for yourself.

Your behaviour is so unbelievably common to survivors. Most survivors rationalise and make excuses for the abuse and, worst of all, think he'll change. They think if they make themselves, smaller, quieter, different he'll suddenly see sense and stop but he always moves the goal posts.

Survivors exhaust themselves bending themselves out of shape and coming up with excuses for his behaviour. It's the drink, it's stress, depression, childhood and so on. Abusers abuse because they want to maintain power and control and they do what they need to do to achieve that

Abusers are just out there in the population, so anyone who is single can come across them. The key is to spot them early and move on, don't hang around to be abused. Have clear boundaries, it could start with name calling - unacceptable. Being accused of something you haven't done or said- gaslighting , also unacceptable. There's a lot to abuse other than physical- obviously unacceptable.
Somehow, some people wait till the next day after abuse has happened, waiting for an apology or to see if they will be extra nice to them - nope, just don't do it, zero tollerance.
It would be nice if you never came across an abusive man again, but that's not realistic, you are only ever going to get to the good ones by being willing to dump at the first episode, anything less is time-wasting.

I would agree that with a decent guy there are no red flags. My DP has never sworn at me, has never shouted, has never given me the silent treatment, has never left me to do most of the housework, has never been disrespectful in or out of bed.

Sure, there are disagreements and differing view points in any relationship, but a red flag should never be ignored.

It can be difficult to build strong boundaries though and to see things clearly. Would you be able to seek counselling to work on building healthy boundaries? Do you have friends and family you can trust? If my sisters don't like who I'm dating then that's a red flag in and of itself...

Very fair point. Thank you

What were your parents like, growing up?

Yes. I guess this is what I've found hard. Excusing things and putting up with things when I should have said no straight away. I should value myself more than that.

And he had been 'normal' for a while so I let go of the bad stuff and just hoped it would never happen again. But of course it did and it ramped up and we have children now which means zero tolerance. Now he's done things infront of them, that's it for me.
But it should have been it in the first place. I should have valued myself better.

My mum was always amazing. Very loving and caring and has always been there for me.
My dad and I haven't been very close but were a bit closer now than we used to be.
I think he was more involved when I was smaller but since they divorced we drifted a little.
I remember him getting angry over small things so he had a temper but I wouldn't consider him abusive at all.
He has been there for me as a grown up.

Thank you for this.
My mum is telling me now that she noticed red flags years ago and didn't like things he did but she didn't say anything to me at the time.
But she said it was things like him not being supportive to me/not helping with the baby and when I was exhausted ect. Not necessarily abuse because I never told anyone that until now.

Contact Women’s Aid and do their freedom programme. As a pp said, forget about men and put yourself and your DC first.

Thank you
I'll definitely look onto this.

Yes I have no desire to go looking for a man now. I am absolutely focusing on my kids and moving forward.

I'm just struggling I guess because I thought I'd found my happy ending and it's just been the complete opposite of what I thought it would be.

I always wanted a husband and kids and a family. It was just always how I imagined my life and I thought I'd found it.

And now it's gone because of who he is and it's hard to accept.