Do these men ever grow up?

[cocolabottles99]

I've met a 40 year old man who wants to date without pressure or expectation, he likes me, and wants to be open to see where things could go and explore his options. He hasn't had a serious, committed relationship in years. He smokes pot every day, in a job he hates, and isn't thinking about having kids yet.

I've made it very clear I am serious about meeting someone and starting a family in the next few years.

So why is he bothering with me? Wanting to waste my time, and his?

I'm annoyed by it. Of course, I will just say no and move on. But do these guys ever grow up? When they're 50 and infertile?

Perhaps he doesn't want them? Why would this be an issue?

There is a misandrist theme on this thread in that you only seem to think men have value or are decent if they want to knuckle down and have kids. Some women don't want kids ffs - but then of course you'd judge them too.

Kids take 20+ years out of your life. They're expensive and take up every last bit of your time. It's no surprise some people don't want that.

There is nothing wrong with a man not wanting to settle down and have children. Nothing at all. It is just different.

My partner never wanted children. He isn't a dead beat or an arsehole, he has a good job, hobbies, friends, family and me - he enjoys his life.

the very idea that just because men dont want a family theyre the type to watch porn or only fans and not have grown up yet is appalling.

When a man doesn't want from life what you do - end it, move on and find someone else who wants the same things as you. Don't take to the Internet slagging them off when they've been upfront about what they can offer. If what they offer isn't what you want, move on and fond someone else rather than running down someone who is different to you.

This guy in the thread smokes pot daily and that would be it for me. That aside I don't see anything wrong with him wanting to remain childfree etc.

They have a stream of younger girlfriends is what happens.

but also, I know lots of older men that haven’t ’settled down’. They travel, have good jobs, play sport, have wide social circles and are some of the most charismatic and interesting people I know, they just don’t want a married with kids life and fair play to them!

I also know many who have aged before their time, and spend their days alone, ranting on social media, reading the daily mail and mainly blaming women for letting them down. Your guy sounds like the latter.

I really think it's down to a shift in societal expectations. In the past, when my grandparents and parents were young, people just got married, settled down and had kids because it was the done thing. It was seen as unusual (even slightly deviant) not to do these things.
These days anything goes. I'm not saying it's a bad thing. It's liberating. However the pressure to settle down just doesn't exist anymore. Men can carry on living a carefree life as long as they want. They can still still have sex, often with more than one woman but they don't have the commitment of getting married and raising kids together. Obviously the same applies to women but I think a lot of women have more of a biological drive to have kids.

He's not the right person for OP who seems to want a stable long term relationship, however lots seem to be happy with a FWB type relationship.

He seems to have been pretty open on his expectations. Like others it's the drugs that would be the big no.

He thinks he's clever because he's not bright enough to realise the extent to which he is intellectually lacking 😄

So because he doesn't want you want he hasn't 'grown up'?

but I think a lot of women have more of a biological drive to have kids
@SallyWD
I think what you say may be true, but as we are aware birth rates are dropping in most parts of the world. Surely this tells us that the drive to have children tends to go away when women have a chance to appreciate the benefits of being financially independent of men.

and isn't thinking about having kids yet
@cocolabottles99
Perhaps he's going to wait until he's had all his fun and then he will settle down and have children?
In other words he imagines that when he's in his late 50s a young woman will want to combine her youthful fertile eggs with his knackered old man sperm. 🤣🤣🤣
Good luck with that!

A walking, talking Dunning-Kruger effect.

Not everyone has to want kids.

More responsible/grown up of him to not be telling you he wants kids while smoking pot every day and in a job he hates than telling you what you want to hear imo

Plenty of husbands with kids doing similar things, doesn't make them grown up because they are married with kids.

He wants his hole. That's why he's bothering with you.

He's a waster and he won't change.

Stupid question, but why does he need to grow up?

Presumably he's enjoying his life, not everyone has to settle down and have kids etc.

I say this as someone who has a spectacular man child for a father. The only problem is that he tried to settle down and have kids, and then continually cheated on my Mum.

At least this guy knows what he wants, and has been perfectly clear with you about it. If you're not interested in that, then all you have to do is say no.

Ask the right questions in the run up, then you don't have to waste time even meeting them😉

You feel people who are into FWB type relationships are dim and intellectually lacking? Quite a few MNetters in that category.

Where did I say that?

Why is it on MN that men who choose to stay single are labelled as losers but women choosing to stay single (at whatever age) are celebrated?

Not everyone wants to get married and have children.

Your previous post....

He thinks he's clever because he's not bright enough to realise the extent to which he is intellectually lacking 😄

Which is how you describe hom because he seems to be looking for a fwb style relationship.

Why is he crap? He's done nothing wrong (leaving the pot taking to one side).

Q-Where did I say that his lack of intellect was connected to his desire for an fwb style relationship?
A-Nowhere.
Conclusion-Your inference has no basis

I had I relationship with a guy that was 10 years older than me.
He had certain traits that at the start I thought I could change. I was blind at the start. But after 5 years I realised he would never change.

To answer your question I don't think he will change I'm only saying this out of experience.

Would you describe a woman who smoked pot, didn’t want children and had a job she hated as needing to grow up?

This man doesn’t sound like my cup of tea but he doesn’t seem childish to me at all. It’s perfectly reasonable to not want to settle down and have kids and to continue playing the field.

I’m really puzzled when women are upset because a man has been upfront about what he does or doesn’t want from life. Just move on to the next guy.

She said in her post, she will swerve this one

They get involved with women who think they will change….change as they get older, change when she gets pregnant… see it all the time on here!

A 40 year old without a wife and kids and who is honest about what he wants is not a "monster".

Honestly there are some seriously sheltered opinions on here

Yes. I'm a bloke in my 60s and have a couple of mates of my age who are like this. OK one did get married (briefly) and is now divorced, but the other is basically as he was at 19.

No partners in sight for either of them.