I told him I don't think I can go on like this

[Questionsandheartache]

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/divorce_separation/5043928-whats-the-plan?reply=134371258

Hopefully I've linked my previous post.

I haven't felt like I have a husband for a very long time, years.
We've done marriage counselling, marriage courses, both made promises. But I spend all my time wishing I wasn't with him.

I finally spoke to him a few months ago, after posting here. He agreed with everything I said, in terms of what I thought the problems were. And then nothing. We carried on exactly the same, with the exception of him trying very hard not to be short tempered with everyone.

I spend all my time waiting for him to criticise me for leaving a cup somewhere (I am a nightmare for it but always have a clear up after tea) or grumping at the kids for something minor.

I've waited for him to address any of the issues, either to speak to me or to go and get counselling, or just to DO anything, outside of the house. Nothing.

Any time spent with him highlights that I can't think of any conversation.

I've tried and tried to make it work. And I've stayed for the last 2 years out of a combination of fear that financially it would be impossible and through thinking the children won't cope with us splitting.

But is this really it, for another however many years. Always feeling judged, like I'm stuck in limbo.

He doesn't want to split up, and was talking about it in a way that makes me think he'd definitely frame it as my fault and he'd be powerless and couldn't do anything about it. But no passion or conviction in it, nothing different.

Oh what a shit place to be.

I found your post incredibly moving.

I can't really offer any advice, but i didn't want to read such a heartfelt post and not respond at all.

Who do you feel judged by?

He doesn't want to split up, and was talking about it in a way that makes me think he'd definitely frame it as my fault and he'd be powerless and couldn't do anything about it. But no passion or conviction in it, nothing different.

My ex framed our split as either my fault because I was “controlling, cold and hyper-critical” or “just one of those things, we drifted apart”. Both are nonsense; he was emotionally and financially abusive and had been lying to me about a hidden spending addiction (among other things) for our whole relationship before I discovered it (and it gave me the impetus to end things).

At first being unfairly blamed upset me, but at a certain point I just thought, “So what?” Anyone who knows me well has heard my side of the story and knows what he’s saying is nonsense. His family believes him and doesn’t really speak to me any more but they are pretty dysfunctional so I don’t mind. Probably some people he works with or some of his friends believe him but I barely ever see them, so it doesn’t have any real impact on my life.

Accept that you’ll be blamed and that it doesn’t matter. It frees you to move on with your life rather than keeping
you stuck in a miserable marriage. I’m infinitely happier now than when I was trying to make a failing relationships work because I didn’t want to “be the bad guy”.

Thank you both.

@ChimpanzeeThatMonkeyNews I worry about judgement from my family mostly, my parents. They don't see things like I do.

@CheekyHobson I'm glad you're happier. I can see that I would be too, eventually. It's a lot to think about and do, to get there.

Your parents however, are not married to him. Their judgment of you would be wrong because they’re supposed to support you. Are they really like your husband?.

Of course he does not want to split up because in you he has a ready made cook, cleaner and childcare person. He can therefore continue to swan about.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here?. It’s also because of them you should instigate a separation and divorce , they are currently learning damaging lessons about relationships from you both.

Divorce is not failure, living In unhappiness is.

Do you want to be happier? Or do you want to continue like this for 20 more years? Your children would no doubt be fine as children from many divorced parents are.

I know it's very easy for me to say, but it seems like you are thinking of excuses NOT to leave him. I am sorry this is happening to you.

It doesn't matter whose fault it is. It doesn't matter what others think. It doesn't matter if he's trying.

What matters is you. And whether you want this life for the next 5, 10 or 20 years.

Decide what will make you happy, or contented, or satisfied, with life. Take responsibility for your life and stop waiting around for others to make your life better. Start planning and make each step a small, achievable one, ie find all financial paperwork. Then check benefits/cms calculator. Look at rentals for prices and location, then adjust your expectations and look again ie further away, smaller garden etc. Find a solicitor to find out your rights. These are all separate steps that can all be broken down into smaller steps.

Btw your children will be fine. Children thrive when they have at least one happy parent, at the moment they have two unhappy ones. Nobody thrives in that kind of environment.

Thank you, that's exactly my thinking, I can't face any more years like this. It'll work out, somehow.