Friend told me he loves me

[alwayslemons]

A male friend told me last night that he’s in love with me, has been since we met, and has never felt like this about anyone else.

He was in a relationship for a long time but ended it a couple of months ago. He and I have been friends for years but didn’t see each other often (he’s notoriously flaky) and though we did have a sort of situationship a few years back when we were both single, I thought we’d moved on. There was a time when I had strong feeling for him, but he hurt me, it ended, we became friends, and I thought it was all fine.

I have a boyfriend whom I adore. We have been together a while now and are hoping to have a baby together. I’m also quietly hoping he proposes soon. Boyfriend has never met friend but is aware of him, knows he’s flaky etc. and that we catch up from time to time, but doesn’t know about the former situationship. Tbh I didn’t think it was relevant and thought it might make him unnecessarily uncomfortable about the friendship.

Friend has stated he’s “not going to give up” on me. Which is pretty rubbish as I feel like I’ve lost a friend now, I clearly can’t maintain contact while he has those kind of motives.

My problem is that I feel oddly guilty about the whole thing. My boyfriend and I have total trust and honesty in our relationship, and I really cherish that. I feel like I should tell him but I don’t know how to approach the subject, and I really don’t want him feeling uncomfortable or jealous or anything because of it.

I honestly think my friend is running on nostalgia for whatever we had years ago. He told me he had a “small breakdown” a while ago before he ended things with his fiance, and has been seeing a therapist. He’s a bit lost I think. Anyway I told him that I’m happy and committed, and asked him to stop. He made moves like he wanted to kiss me but I dodged it, and practically ran back to the station to get home. I want to be clear that even though I have fond memories of him, I am absolutely not in love with him.

I’m not replying to my friend at all and will not see him again. I might send him a polite message explaining myself before blocking him if he keeps messaging me (he hasn’t been hounding me or anything but he’s clearly keen to keep the conversation going).

I will see my boyfriend this weekend (long distance currently) but I feel like my window for addressing this is very small and I want to do it right.

What would you do?

It sounds like regret on the friends part. He had his chance and blew it? Maybe tell bf I think I would want to know if the other way round. But completely your choice obviously!

I wouldn't accept someone not taking no for an answer - that way stalking and harassment lie. I would tell my bf and let go of the friendship.

Tell your bf as he could find out later and it might seem like a betrayal then. It is not your fault that your friend declared love for you (though seems highly inappropriate given he presumably knows about your current relationship). You've decided to cut him off so you have done the right thing. He shouldn't be jealous of a situationship prior to you meeting each other, though if you have passed him off solely as a platonic friend, I can see he may be upset.

Friend has stated he’s “not going to give up” on me.

Cut ties and move on. He sounds unstable.

Cut ties, send a message first explaining then block. Tell BF your friend told you he is in love with you and you've blocked him. Keep it simple.

We were never lovers. We barely even kissed. But there were feelings. But this was a LONG time ago and we have been genuine friends since then (or so I thought).

If he was an actual ex, that would be different. I am good friends with a couple of my exes and I’ve been quite open with my boyfriend about those.

The ancient history isn't really relevant, is it? Nothing happened. We're not obliged to tell our new partners about every nook and cranny of emotion we felt before they came into our lives.

I think, though, if your relationship with him is good, you could just tell him. 'You'll never guess what Bob's done; he's declared he's in love with me and isn't going to give up. I'm terminating the friendship, it's really not on, him being like this, he knows I'm in a relationship. It's donkey's years since I had any feelings for him, and he knows that.'

What's he going to feel bad about? That you didn't tell him? Well, it wasn't deception. That Bob has feelings? Well, you're terminating the friendship.

My boyfriend and I have total trust and honesty in our relationship

You don't though, do you?

You've deliberately withheld from your boyfriend the fact that you've had a 'situationship' with this friend, and you even admit that the reason you've withheld this info is you thought it might make him unnecessarily uncomfortable about the friendship.

No, there's been a distinct lack of honesty.

I would tell boyfriend immediately.
Then tell your friend that you've told your boyfriend.(Both are Critical as it brings everything into the open)

Be clear absolutely nothing will ever happen and that if he continues to try and persue a relationship your friendship will be over.

I’ve already messaged my now ex-friend telling him quite bluntly that we can no longer be friends or have any sort of contact. Have blocked him on WhatsApp and all social media.

Not that it's the most important thing - but out of curiosity, did he even acknowledge that he was the one who blocked things between you and hurt you early on? Or was that all whitewashed away in favour of this "I have always loved you" narrative?

Yeah actually I did point it out and he acknowledged it. He said he was sorry and that he was stupid and that it was all just “bad timing”. But honestly it was like 12 years ago and we have been friends since then, both have had serious relationships since then. It never felt (to me) like it was relevant to the actual friendship. And the friendship was important to me. I still think he’s just lost and confused rather than actually in love, but I’m hurt at how this has all turned out.

Men! 🙄

You need to tell your bloke. I wouldn't hesitate to tell my husband. There's a chance he will find out anyway. Tell him you feel a bit sad to have fallen out with him but it had to be done.

Then if your friend pushes things, you can tell him you've told your boyfriend. It should end there

Agree. And this is massively disrespectful.

Do this.
Your ex friend is a twat that is using you as a salve for what fxxk up is going on in his head.
He sounds unstable.
Don't allow him to mess with your future.
You have done the right thing blocking him.

Sound's like your onto a good thing with your boyfriend, that other guy way to confused. Faze him out

His relationship has broken down and he's at a loose end. Block.

If he'd "been in love with you since you met" it Skye's never have been a situationship.

He also wouldn't have been so flaky that you've had periods of not seeing each other. If a man is genuinely in love with someone he wouldn't flake out on plans with them etc if the other party was agreeing to meet.

What a load of BS!!

You've 100% made the right choice sticking with your DP

Codswallop. Not going into detail about historic romances isn't 'withholding information' or dishonest. There's simply no reason to put your current partner through all the details of your past encounters. If they ask, and you lie, that's very different, but choosing to talk about previous relationships is often viewed as holding an unhealthy attachment. Damned if you do, damned if you don't.