Lost all my confidence. Can anyone relate?

[TheseBootsWereMadeForStomping]

I'm going to bullet point this because otherwise it'll be really long!

1. I'm a primary school teacher. I'm really busy/tired in term time so I've always waited for the school holidays to catch up with friends properly etc. Last summer holidays, I met up with one friend once and its looking that way again this year. I used to keep in touch by text during term time but it began to feel like we were seeing each other out of habit more than friendship and always being the one to make contact and always being the one to suggest meeting up took a huge toll on my confidence. So I all but stopped. I've not heard from anyone in over a year now. And any messages I have sent suggesting catching up or going somewhere haven't been responded to until the date for what I was suggesting had passed.

1. I was also diagnosed with HFA a few years ago so I've always found these things difficult to some degree but it's got so much worse. I've always had fairly low social energy but now I've just completely lost my confidence too.

1. I'm now at the end of the first week of my summer holidays. I've caught up on all the household jobs and stuff that needed doing but I realised that I haven't actually left the house/garden. I used to go out for day trips to places and do things with the children when they were younger but now they are working, too. And, more than anything, I'm not bothered. I feel safe at home.

1. I have a partner of three years. Fiance now really. We're going out for the day tomorrow to a one day festival and I'm dreading it. We're going out with my family on Sunday and I'm dreading that too. We've got something planned next Friday and are going away for the week on the Saturday and I'm not looking forward to any of it. I mean, I am in a way. I'm looking forward to seeing and doing the things we have planned but the thought of actually being there and around other people and navigating it all socially is making me feel very anxious.

1. I'm going into work for a few days next week and I'm really looking forward to it. It's like school and home are the only places I feel 'safe' nowadays. In my own room, in my own space, making it just how I want it. I love my job and I wouldn't change it but I do feel exhausted by the end of the day.

1. We've been invited to my partner's friend's birthday party when we get back plus a couple of big nights out and I don't want to go to any of them. I will know people there but not very well really just enough to say hello to. I'd feel much happier being at home knowing he was having a nice time. He doesn't know. I'm pretending to be looking forward to it and ignoring all the worries but I know from experience that that's the wrong thing to do. If I force myself to do something, I'm likely to not be able to cope (have a meltdown) which I'd rather avoid. He will go anyway so I'm not worried about that. He knows that sometimes I feel I cant do something and he goes anyway.

1. I used to always make sure I went out on a Saturday night so I'd done something fun during the week but I realised I hadn't really been enjoying it for the past few months and, when work got really busy towards the end of term, I stopped going. I haven't missed it and I've actually enjoyed being at home more.

1. I'm also finding daily reasons to beak up with my partner. Not because of anything he's done but because I've lost all my relationship and sexual confidence too. We've started to think about wedding plans a few times but the thought of being visible is causing me worry and I don't actually have anyone to invite.

1. I did have hobbies but now I don't seem to be able to find the time or energy for them now. Given the choice of going out and doing something I enjoy and staying in, I'd prefer to stay in. I haven't lost interest in them but my ability to be around other people has dropped massively. I find myself feeling irritated and overwhelmed by the other people instead of enjoying it.

I feel like a boring waste of space and a burden.

Can anyone relate?

It's still long. Sorry.

I think you might actually be suffering from some mental health difficulties which are causing you anxiety and leading towards agoraphobia like tendencies. I think you need to speak to your partner about how you feel so he can support you and you need to speak to a mental health professional. I don’t know if you’ve had some traumatic experience which has lead to these feelings of only being safe in certain spaces but if you have, you might want to seek a therapist who is trauma informed. CBT is a very good mode of therapy for things like social anxiety and agoraphobia. It might be worth looking in to.