Hi, idk if it's the right thing to seek some advice here but here we go.
I 37f am an Indian, after completing my masters I married my husband (42m) and stayed here in the UK with him. We have been together for 7 years. I come from financially okay family in India who lost most of their savings paying for mine and my brother's education here. We never had a plan to stay here and my brother left to build businesses and support my parents in India.
My husband has been financially irresponsible. I don't know if that's the term for it but he's had debt before he met me which he defaulted on. He's never really been serious about getting a job that pays well - that would allow him to take care of himself, build some savings, get a car etc. He's doesn't have a full driver's license, has never had any savings and hasn't even thought of anything else (car, house, vacation etc). Any savings that we had was from my income and since last 4.5 years I have been struggling to reach the same income levels too; first working a job that paid very little and was very far away and then tech crunch where finding a job has been very difficult in the last 2 years for me. I have a part time job but that doesn't pay much. We have been struggling to pay our bills and rent, in fact we have been in arrears with most of our bills and only since last year we have started paying our monthly usage for most things.
Our one child, my DD was unplanned as well. Last 7 years with him have been full of arguments and attempts to get him to take a career seriously that could bring reasonable income in the household and we can start living a life with basic amenities without so much stress day to day.
Even when he's trying to get a job that could stabilise us, he has to be pushed again and again. Same is with household chores and cooking. When he does these things it's because of ultimatums. It's never that he gets the sense of responsibility that he should pull his weight in all these areas. It's a daily thing of waiting or having an argument where he's dismissive of his responsibilities most of the time. As an example, he had to go to work on 3rd day I was back from the hospital with our newborn because we didn't have enough money to front rent. He had a chance to earn earlier, in fact I was gone for 2 months but he didn't put the hours in. He's a delivery driver for deliveroo so he can choose his hours.
This has been wearing on me hard all these years. I obviously had very different outlook on this relationship otherwise I would have never got with him. I have been so angry thinking about how I was when I got into this relationship, the money my parents spent on my degrees (£100k) and where I am now, obese, depressed and penniless. There's nothing between us sexually either. He has something against heavier folks but he also tells me that he finds me attractive yet shows absolutely zero affection unless I ask for it. In fact after my daughter was born for 3 years we didn't have sex. He's maintained himself and is really proud of it.
A little background: he comes from a poor family where his mum was a single mother and always struggled to provide for basics. He shows disdain for people who earn money and have careers as if they have sold their soul to the devil. I have a history of CSA and abusive boyfriends so his energy felt 'safe' and 'normal' to me and I didn't do my due diligence before marrying him.
Now I have been in intense therapy (EMDR) for past year and I'm progressively feeling fed up of this relationship. I can also see that instead of working on myself and achieving my goals I just go in a corner and eat my feelings. I have been doing this for such a long time that I'm in bad shape. I feel like I have made a huge mistake and I just keep hanging on hope that he'll get it even after seeing that he obviously wants different things from life.
The straightforward line here probably would be to leave him and start over but I'm not financially strong enough to find my own accommodation and start over. Another MAJOR thing is I want another child. I'm afraid that at my age, I gotta try to conceive with him and at least do the first 2 years with him too to be able to get some sleep. He says he wants another too but his general attitude is the same.
I hate watching him picking up stuff half hearted and having to be reminded of the most basic things.
Now for the positives, he is my only support system here. My family didn't show up for first child, in fact I took my DD for three weeks recently (she is 4 years old now) to India and then they got to see her. My husband didn't go coz there was no money to finance that. In fact my brother paid for most of our tickets and everything else during the trip. They don't really see me as a serious member of the family and being in this marriage and how it's turned out means they don't have much respect for me. Husbands mum (dad's not in the picture) wasn't even bothered to come and help during the newborn phase. He did the night feedings and then co-slept with our toddler when I wanted to give up breastfeeding in the night around when she was around 2. He takes her out almost daily and if I need extra sleep or rest, I rely on him to be able to so. Same goes for work, if I have important work, I rely on him to look after her.
I want to leave this relationship and build something of my own. I feel angry that I should be able to focus on myself in this relationship but I also feel that the burden and anger I hold around him doesn't let me which is a negative because in the future if I find someone similar, would I not be able to just continue my own trajectory? Am I being unreasonable being so angry with him?
Tldr: husband isn't financially responsible and it's wearing me down. I want another child and don't know what to do..